Posted by sunnydays on August 9, 2007, at 18:16:11
In reply to Connecting the unconscious dots - long, posted by DAisym on August 9, 2007, at 2:21:40
> If you'd asked me years ago, I would have sworn I didn't have an "unconscious." I still struggle with the idea of being motivated by something not conscious, it feels sort of out of control, which I hate being. But no matter how I feel about it, it is hard to deny when the dots get connected.
*** Absolutely. I was skeptical until I really got into therapy and saw that there are so many things I do and ways I react that I cannot explain by any conscious motivation. And I hate it sometimes how good my T is at pointing out those connections.
> It started last week. I had to call my therapist because I was running late and he'd changed his outgoing message to say "you've reached the office of Dr...." I almost wrecked the car -- "Dr."? I knew he'd been working on his PhD but obviously it was now a done deal. So I opened the session with that - "I noticed you changed your answering machine..." and he said yes. "It" had happened a "few weeks ago." I congratulated him on three years of hard work and we talked about his dissertation and it seemed fine. I knew I was sitting on those feelings of "this was a big deal happening to you and I didn't know it, since I'm just a client" but I managed to sort of swallow all of that and we had an OK session. But group that night went badly (we have a new person) particularly around an EMDR discussion.
**** I would have been upset too if my T had done something big like that and didn't tell me. I totally understand.
>
> I brought my feelings about group into my next session and we talked about EMDR. I said clearly I didn't want to do it and my therapist went down this long tangent about how he's read it is very effective and maybe it might help me and how it would be better if he could do it but he wasn't certified to do it but he could refer me, etc. I guess he must have realized how I was taking it because he also said, "it wouldn't change the work we are doing here, I'd still work with you, it would just be an adjunct and it might help with the nightmares, etc." Of course I said I knew that. And of course, I was really upset and felt sent away.**** I soooo understand that feeling. I get it all the time. My T makes a suggestion and I cannot seem to shake the feeling that he's really sick of me and doesn't want to see me anymore.
I barely talked to him the next session but at the end I finally, in tears, told him how upset I was knowing full well he didn't say "go away." So I was struggling with feelings that didn't match the reality.
**** Good for you for telling him. That can be so hard when you know what the reality is but can't make yourself believe it. I think it's something my T struggles with with me. He's not that experienced with transference stuff (although he's so good with it, it's hard to believe I'm the first client that's ever been willing to talk this deeply and openly about our relationship). But I think he really wants me to be able to believe him and trust him, but neither of us is sure how to make it 'stick'. I can feel it for a little bit, and then it's gone. So I know what you're talking about.
>
> I made myself tell my therapist how I felt after the session the next day. This is new for me because I don't usually say anything until I have it all figured out.**** Good for you. It's such a huge risk to say things without thinking them out. I am getting better at it, but when I started therapy I barely talked because I was dissociating so much and I wanted to make sure that everything I said was said perfectly.
And then it all got twisted up and I ended up saying I needed to cut back on therapy and that I was worried I wasn't getting through it all fast enough for him and that the need and connection for him was painful, not helpful. I wasn't very nice...:( He said he was sad to hear that I was hurting like this and sad that our connection was painful for me.
**** I've said that sort of thing. That it hurts to love him so much and not be able to be with him all the time. He always looks so sad when I say that, but he understands. Your T understands too. It's ok not to be nice all the time.
Today we looked at it all together. A very young part of me is terrified (hence the impending sense of doom) that since my therapist got his PhD everything will change and he will leave me. This is not based in any reality and I am just shocked at how the dots connect.
**** It makes total sense to me. I mean, if I think my therapist might be leaving because he had a pad of paper on his side table that isn't usually there (true story, happened last session I saw him, but I didn't tell him) then what you are saying makes total, total sense.
> So - I'm sorry I haven't been around much, I've been kind of a mess. And I'm sorry this got to be so long. (not that this is new for me.) Anyone else have one of those "ah ha!" kinds of moments - and how do you make conscious those unconscious pockets of crud?
**** It's ok to be around even if you're a mess, just so you know. :) Maybe we can help you. I know your posts help me so so much. I was thinking of you the other day wondering how you were. I wish I could answer how to make the unconscious conscious. I'm pretty sure you can't until something like this happens. And it's so so hard.
((((Daisy)))) You are so brave and doing such good work.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:774979
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/775112.html