Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 23:31:49
In reply to Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46
> It took me years to discover that my intense feelings were coming from "little girls" inside who were driving some of my destructive behavior.
OMG Antigua, this post is freakily like me...
I didn't know bout 'emotions', I'd lost mine, but I have sorta found them some and can now even often recognize the emot I am having. Not always, but more than before. I used to think I was evil or something, cuz I had such 'bad' inside me. It was all just emotions, I just didn't realize it.
As for my 'people' it was just all headnoise and confusion and crazy feelings etc. I had no idea.
>
> I had a young, 4-yr old who was a miserable mess; she contained all the sa and the all the feelings about it. When I discovered her, I hated her and wanted to kill her off. She was like a dirty, messy, disgusting blob on the floor.* I still don't really understand exactly what comes from who precisely...
But I too have a child who I would describe EXACTLY as you have described your 4 yr old. I think mine is quite young too. I want her to die too. She is disgusting. I want NO part of her. She cannot, and IS not me. We are not connected.
> The second child was a 9-yr old who was more assertive and powerful. At the time of discovering her, the 9 yr-old rejected the 4 yr-old as so weak and disgusting. The problem was, however, that the 9 yr-old wanted to make moves forward but she couldn't because the 4-yr old controlled the body. The nine year old could be impulsive and I realized she was responsible for much of my self-destructive behavior.*mine didn't seem to all know bout each other at first. But other than that one kid, I think there is more knowledge. I met my Ikid(who INSISTS! that she's muffled too!) and we fought and fought, cuz I couldn't understabd that she was a kid, it didn't make sense. But now she is great! A good kid. She has her moments but really likes to help. She kinda wants to be in control and she IS very smart(and I fear cunning?????mebbe smarter than me :-(
Its kinda freaky though, cuz *I* am the adult...I just kinda wonder though...she's not an angel, and I don't know her all that well...
anyhow.
> There was a third child, very young (before anything happened, I think), who just peeked out from behind the chairs under the dining room table, just watching w/big bold eyes. She was watching everything, and I knew somehow that she contained my soul before anything happened, and that I had to find a way to save her--she was the important one.* the first one I met was my BABY!!!!! It was SO cool!!! SO wonderful!!! And somehow I understood that she was ME! IT WAS HUGE. Cuz she was not tainted. Her emotion of joy was so pure and untainted, uncluttered, clear and simple. I loved her, and she was me! I dunno how I knew that? Anyhow, she kept popping in to see me ans OMG, my face hurt from smiling! But then she came less often...
> It took me a long time to get the 9-yr old to accept the 4-yr old, even to the point of helping to clean her up, shore her up, and encourage her to speak. (like I said, I hated the 4-yr too and really thought she needed to die; but over time, I came to realize how important she was--she contained my creativity and so many good things, but she was mute. She still is mute, I can't get her to tell us what happened, and I do spend time comforting her. When I find myself buying M&Ms, I know she's the one who wants them!
*mine doesn't talk...I don't think? But one time I asked Ikid to try and reach that kid, and Ikid even said she was gross like swampweed.
But she has tried again, and I think something went on between them, that was a good thing, but which I am unaware of(which is WEIRD), but there may be some connection there, that kid seems less upset. I still cannot personally reach that kid.
>
> These were significant ages--my abuse started about 3-5, and my father left the home when I was 9 and the abuse stopped (I think). But the 9-yr old is not as self-possessed as she presents herself. She needs the other two to survive.*ya, I got no memories, so I dunno. I had bad asthma..?
But we have learned that all of us have our good and bad points, but we are all human, we are all real. I no longer deny.Ya, I do NOT want to lose any part of this thing that is me...cept mebbe that kid, but...mebbe not. I dunno.
> So I spent a long time dealing with these girls, basically trying to get the blob off the floor, cleaning her up, comforting her and encouraging her to talk. My T and I worked on this a lot. At first I thought it was silly, until the images of the girls became so clear.*ya, I feel silly. I feel ashamed to show my T my people :-( And my T not experienced w/this stuff, but she has the trust, and open mind. I think T is a little uncomfortable with her lack of knowledge, and we of course take ANY sign of hesitancy on the part of T as being discomfort at the weirdness, but I think mebbe she just feels al little inadequate. But she never dumps us, no matter whats been pulled.
> Eventually, the 9-yr old accepted the blob and tried to incorporate her in fun activities, and while sometimes i can see that 4 yr old having fun outside playing, or drawing with the 9 yr old, the block to the feelings underneath is still there.*This is the part I felt was especially weird in that I am using my Ikid to reach that kid, just like you have used yours.....
Is the block to your feelings a prob, or do you think you can live with it?
> Sorry to be so long. My point is that I had these three distinct little girls. but they are under the control of the adult me. They are inside me and no longer separate entities I viewed as outside my self (outside my sense of responsibility for myself, or what they would do, my pdoc said, and that that I needed to integrate to put the adult in charge so she could deal with impulsive actions, for example, in an adult way).*I have always felt vehemently responsible for all actions of this body.
> As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. They are within my control now, but that doesn't mean their feelings don't erupt to the surface and have an effect on my behavior, but now they are tempered and I must admit that I feel safer.* ya, thats good :-)
> Lately I've been dealing w/another girl--she is pure id; I think she's the core of my idealized love of my father that I've been working so hard to deal with.
8sounds like you doing good work.
> So, integration can work in many ways. As I said, it may have been too early for me, but it has worked out pretty well.
> Just a different take.
> antigua* thanks , this is helpful to me too.
M
poster:muffled
thread:786857
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786979.html