Posted by seldomseen on December 23, 2007, at 7:53:44
In reply to So here's a question...., posted by muffled on December 22, 2007, at 23:17:35
Wow! I gotta say, yours is a problem that I've encountered myself. For years, I thought sex was a duty (and was even told as much). I never really liked it, it made me feel so vulnerable, so when the time came to satisfy my obligation, I would just white knuckle it, or drink. I was never really THERE during sex. Not very repsonsive etc... Just going through the motions.
It was sad really. Really sad.Well, I have a male therapist and we started talking about sex. I mean we talked about sex for years it feels like. I expressed my visions of sex and much like you, I thought it was a huge source of evil, but one I had to submit to because I was born a woman and that was part and parcel of our gender. I viewed it as bascially allowing myself to be raped.
It was like my therapist made a vow to me to change my views about sex. He challenged me to talk about it with my male friends, my boyfriends - I mean everyone in addition to him.
What I learned is that the overwhelming majority of men want the woman to be "there".
Yeah, they can get on top of anything and roll around (it's their nature, not bad, not good, just who men are hardwired to be), but it is much better for them with a happy partner. The majority of men indicated that they would pass on sex completely with a partner that just shut down. They weren't into the one night stands, and that sex was amazing in the context of a loving relationship.
In short, they don't want a woman who feels obliged to do it, but who wants to.
I took a huge chance in my latest relationship and talked about sex with my guy. I talked about my past and told him specific things that he could do, and that we could do to make sex better for me - less fear inducing and that it may be a good while before we could do it.
He understood and for the first time in my life I had AMAZING sex.
Now I don't know about your DH, but it certainly sounds as though he is willing to meet you where you are and that means a lot.
I don't think you are obliged to do anything except to try - and not for him - but for yourself.
Trust me. It's worth the effort. It really REALLY is.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:802166
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/802198.html