Posted by antigua3 on February 17, 2008, at 8:41:52
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
I'm the type who overanalyzes everything to death--I always want to know why something happened, and although I've learned sometimes things happen for no reason at all, things that come out as a result of therapy, usually have a trigger. It usually bugs me until I can figure it out, or if I decided that it's not something I'm destined to know at this time.
So why did I break that particular day? I've put all my therapy resources together, includng carrying what my T says to me always, and ths is what I've come up. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I had my pdoc session the night before, explaining to him how numb I felt despite the good things going on:
1. I now have the full time job of my dreams on my own terms: it's w/in walking distance of home and the environment is very flexible, given that I still have many kids things to do every day. I can work from home or in my incredibly nice new office--with a window! Things I've always wanted. I'm working with a start-up venture in an area that I am passionate about, and I'm the boss for my area. No more whacky publishers or editors--I get to play that role if i want to. I have a piece of the new venture, and the guy I'm working with is very strong in the financial aspects I'm not.
2. The venture is based on a print version of what I tried to start 11 or so years ago with two other partners. But my main (male)partner moved away and I was devastated--felt so abandoned and helpless, and hopeless--and couldn't find the financial resources to move forward. so like any good avoidance device, i had a child instead, and all my plans were put on hold. There was a lot of shame involved in not moving forward--I have a huge fear of success, but I didn't know what to do.
I had a breakdown that lasted for years, dealing with the abandonment issues. I couldn't work, and that has been a huge source of anger and disappointment on my husband's part, and he never made it easy. He threw it in my face for 10 years, that I wasn't fulfilling my potential, had failed him financially, etc., although I was usually working on some type of freelance work, but nowhere what I'd been involved in before. (Poet knows: I had identified myself too much with my stronger image as a working woman, and I just lost all confidence when that was taken away).
3. One day, my husband put me together with this guy who was looking to start a new venture. He took to the idea immediately and had the startng capital to give this a chance to go. As my partnr says, my husband gave me my dream on a silver platter, and he did, and it has changed our relationship immensely. He is involved as well, but not on an FT basis. I couldn't believe my good fortune and was well enough now to get back to work.
4. Meantime, as I like to point out to others, all that time I wasn't working, I was raising my kids and keeping up with what was going on with my interests over all these years. My kids are all doing really great right now and are in good places, so I have to remember that the time wasn't for naught.
Professionaly, I was always learning something; I just wasn't getting paid for it, ergo arguments with my husband. I tried getting full time jobs but I always found fault with them when they were offered, because in my heart I knew they took me away from my goal.
The only thing of substance that my pdoc had said the night before was that I mentioned I was going to visit my mother the next weeked (so I could spend some time with her before work got too crazy) and he said, "What do you want to tell her?" That threw me for a loop because I had no idea what he was talking about. He mentioned that I was enjoying the revenenge I felt about my husband (I own more of the company than he does) after all the years of grief he'd given me, but what about my mother; what did I want to tell her? I didn't have a clue.
The next day when I felt cracked in two, a couple of thoughts came to me--logically or illogically. The sense of feeling so utterly alone was tied to my pdoc. He takes me places in therapy and leavesme to find my way out, to clean up the mess so to speak. He values independence above all, and he will offer corrective measures if he sees that I need them, but it's all business. So feeling like I was absolutely alone was a terror for me. Iknew I couldn't call him; he wouldn't have anything to offer in the way of the healing. he's very pragmatic, but of course when I went to see him this past week he was actually esctatic over what had happened, a huge breakthrough he called it, but the pain was somewhat discarded as a necessity to go through.
My T was away when this happened, so I couldn't call her in my mind.She was out of the country w/her daughter and I wouldn't have dreamed of intruding. Still, I couldn't figure out what had really happened. The week she came back, on my way out to see her, the little thought popped into my mind that maybe her being gone had something to do with it.
Bingo. My mother was away the first time this happened to me as a young child, and here my mother therapist wasn't there to help. I was dealing with the same issue, directly, w/o the help I so wanted back then.
I feel better knowing. My T picked up on it immediately, and how my parent therapists (with her being gone) had played their original role and I still hadn't figured out to deal with the original pain. But, I did. I held myself together, and while everything has changed in my world with the break, I have to find myself a way to pull myself back together. with her help I will. She wanted me to express anger at her being gone, but I can't do that; she's too important to me. But we will work on it, because these things happen when she's gone. I thought after all these years, I was handling her being away, but I was smacked in the face with the fact of how attached I still am to her.
As to my pdoc, he is the epitome of the cruel father in many ways, but he also shows me the way out, to deal with things on my own, w/o having him to shore me up, by being independent. It's still a difficult and painful situation, but it works for right now. Dealing with some of these issues back to the original trauma is painful, but hopefully will be healing, just by knowing an understanding them. Would love more support from him; it's just that he provides it in a different way. still puzzles me, and will discuss this again with my T. Where is the border between abuse and help? It's a scary one with him, but there has been a lot of good to what he has done for me.
So, feeling stripped of my tattered coat of self-defense, and self-destructive defenses, I feel like I'm starting over. But I'm starting over from strength rather than weakness; I hope I can steer the course. I have to be careful that I don't obsess over the work, and be prepared for it not to make it. But until then, I will give it all I have, knowing that I've been so lucky to be given this opportunity. The coat isn't gone yet, and my soul hasn't really come forth yet, but I feel it happening. I so don't want to hurt her, having finally allowed her to emerge, and it's hard to trust that I do have the resources to make this hapen.
Sorry this is so long, and pls excuse the typos! I can't seem to type this morning. My mind is faster than my fingers.
thanks for listening,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:812744
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/813256.html