Posted by raisinb on September 10, 2008, at 13:09:50
In reply to overfunctioning in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
Hi WS--
I'm so sorry--this sounds so painful. I love the term "overfunctioning." I just learned it a couple of months ago from Harriet Lerner's book--and like you, I got a light bulb moment from it.I was in a miserable relationship several years ago, one in which I was more engaged than him. I had a therapist then who would say (as I agonized over whether to end it or not), "whatever you do will be the right decision." I sure did hate it when she said that. But the fact is, she was right, because the only person who can make a "right" decision is you.
So yes, I think it's important, as Daisy says, to figure out what you can and will do. Barring murder and other horrible things, IMHO, there aren't any shoulds or rights or wrongs in life except those we set for ourselves.
This is a horrible decision to have to make and neither is going to make you happy, it sounds like, at least in the short term. I feel for you.
I also feel like you're taking on a huge amount of resonsibility. FWIW, I ended that former relationship, and I've never regretted it. In hindsight, I can see that so many of my own issues came out in it, especially the tendency to think that it's all on my shoulders to make something work. When I read your post, it seemed like you were feeling as if the whole thing is your responsibility, not a give-and-take. And it sounds like he's letting you--understandable, since he's having such a hard time himself. But ultimately, a healthy relationship, I think (not that I have that many! ;)) is one in which both partners decide what's best, what's working, etc., and both hold responsibility for the couple.
Anyway, whatever you do, I hope you can let go of some of the responsibility, and I hope you can eventually find some peace about this. Best wishes.
poster:raisinb
thread:851251
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/851349.html