Posted by JayMac on September 28, 2008, at 18:15:38
In reply to attachment, posted by turtle on September 28, 2008, at 13:48:50
Turtle! I can so totally relate!!! Where do you live? We need to hang out! Lol.....
I've been having a real difficult time with "attachment" lately. I know what the theorists say about it. I know what my T says. But it's still soooooo incredibly difficult to define. I feel like to capture the depth and meaing of the relationship would be like capturing the depth of the universe.
Let me share something with you, I just realized this yesterday: There is a difference between being open with someone and being attached/connected to someone. Being open with someone does not guarantee an attachment/a connection. I entered therapy thinking that if I just told her most everything on my mind, that I would become closer to her, but really and truly, that's not how the process works. The attachment/connection is emotional. For example, do you ever find yourself liking someone, being drawn towards someone for no obvious reason? I think it's kind of like that. Developing *that* sort of feeling is sooooo incredibly special that it takes a long, long time.
The whole process of therapy is painful. I have a very difficult time with the pain, with the hurt. Not too long ago, I wanted to stop therapy because of the pain.
Honestly, I second guess whether or not I'm attached to my T. Sometimes I feel so attached that leaving her office is like taking away my life source. Other times I feel myself (at first unconsciously) rejecting her comfort. I feel myself finding excuses to be mad at her. Then, I'll come crying back to her. I get angry at myself for being mad and angry for not maintaining the attachment. It's been a cycle. I'm so grateful she's patient, she understands, and she's there. I do think it takes time, I just wish I knew how long.
I've also struggled with the fact that I feel like I'm only a "patient" and it's more of a business transaction. She told me that our relationship is real and she's a real person. I began to think of our relationship as a friendship and mother-daughter relationship, but here and there I get resentful that I feel like just another patient. It's a struggle.
In a way, the sort of relationship that is cultivated between therapist and patient is unexplainable, scared, and life-changing.
I don't know how helpful I am, but that's a glimses of my experience and knowledge.
Take good care. Peace.
poster:JayMac
thread:854628
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854655.html