Posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 20:12:13
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers!, posted by lucie lu on October 13, 2008, at 21:35:02
> I think the important thing about cutting (yes, I had done it when I was in my teens) is to try to figure out what, besides pain relief, the gesture is really saying. There are lots of motives and possible meanings.
I'm in the middle of figuring it all out.
> I could be way off-base, Jay, but somehow I sense that what happened with your BF and what you've been feeling about your T may be interconnected in some way.
You definitely hit the mark! I am/was trying to demonstrate how hurt I am and that I want them to notice.
With regard to the guy I was seeing, I kept trying to push him away. He was patient. But I kept going and going and going. I wanted to drive him away. Then, once I realized that I really did drive him away, and he didn't want to see me anymore, that's when I when into panic mode. That's when I decided to cut.
When we first started seeing each other, he kept going on about making plans for the future and all that romantic type stuff. I got scared. I started scaring him off by telling him that I had way too many issues and I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship, nor would he be able to handle me (as I have in the past).
I basically wanted to confirm my childhood belief: I am not loveable, no one will ever want me, nor should any one want me, my needs are too great for anyone to handle, and I am simply too much for anyone to handle. It's interesting because I was totally aware that I was driving him away. I was totally aware that he would want to leave me. In the end, I was the one to call it quits. But, he did not hesitate to suggest that maybe we are not the best fit. I was the one to put that into his head though. When he verbalized that he was having second thoughts, I started apologizing for my behavior, so that I could get him to stay. But when I realized that he was upset, I told him we were done.My T pointed out how it relates to my childhood and my mom. She also said that I've done it with her as well. In a few subtle, and this time, not so subtle ways, I've let her know that I didn't think she could handle me.
>Your cutting yourself may have made several statements, possibly including an unconscious commmunication to your T/mother, "see what you made me do (by not being here for me)" as well as anger turned inwards.
It was an act rooted towards showing my mom that I am/was in pain. I'm pretty sure I was neglected when I was little.
>I am sure there are others, and it may take you time to identify the underlying feelings. But I do think you really need to try to find out what the powerful feelings were beneath the behavior.
Yes!!! There are many, many underlying feelings, meanings, reasons for why I did what I did. I'm trying to figure it all out with my T. I'm sure I could write about some of it now, but I'm still in the middle of understanding.
You were/are totally dead on Lucie. I feel like you really GET me. Not too many people can understand and empathsize as much as you, and others here on babble, can. Thank you for your support. Even though this is an online, community, it's a community nevertheless.
Thank you for posting!
Thank you for the hugs.
Thank you for the love!!!
poster:JayMac
thread:857146
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857477.html