Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2008, at 18:48:41
My therapist seems quite excited by the idea of working with me on desensitization. He actually referred to thinking about it outside our sessions in a way that sounded as if he really had.
He was pointing out all the things that I have described as arising from the phobia/obsession. I pointed out that they might have arisen from that, but that didn't mean that working through the phobia would reverse the rest of it, but he seemed undaunted. He gave me one of those answers he gives me when he doesn't want to argue but he's not giving up his idea either.
One of the things that he didn't quite say was *integration*. Which I don't even see as a beneficial outcome.
I see landmines everywhere. If he's the therapist who does this with me, I might lose my safe base. If I start associating him with vomit, will he be safe anymore? He says that when I've worked through my vomit phobia he won't be unsafe just because he's associated with vomit. But on the other hand, if he's unsafe because he's then associated with vomit, would he be able to help me through the desensitization at all? Plus, we're talking years. This isn't a phobia that can be ended in ten easy sessions.
If I go to a second therapist for this, I would have to cut down one session a week with my therapist. Again, we're talking years here. Plus I just don't like many people. It took me five years to trust him. The chance that I'll find someone else to work with, and find safe enough, and wish to work with for years, seem infinitesimal to me.
Then there's the fact that I'm not sure he can do it. There have been exactly two sessions in the thirteen years I've seen him where I really felt he's understood how big this is. How fundamental to who I am as a human being. Not only how scary it is, but just how BIG it is. And even then by the next session he started talking about it in hmmm.... not quite sure how to say it. Like it was a simple phobia. Making casual comments about things that just shouldn't be discussed casually, and that fill me with trepidation at the idea of his working through this with me.
He shares my concerns to some extent. But his eyes hold the fervor of a new convert. I think he sees this as a chance to *do* something with me.
I do know that therapy can't always be safe or feel good. But this seems like treacherous waters that might rob me of a leg in my support stool, and to no good purpose.
I *should* do this, I guess. A good girl would absolutely do this. But how? With him? With someone else?
poster:Dinah
thread:857976
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857976.html