Posted by onceupon on December 23, 2008, at 9:47:25
In reply to Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:02:09
Great topic, Witti. Mostly it got me thinking about memory, and how mine works (or doesn't work as the case may be). I seem to have a very poor memory for things that happen in my therapy. I suspect it's because I'm usually hyperaroused (in the anxiety sense) while I'm there. Makes it hard to focus and remember. Knowing that people who are depressed tend to have a negative bias to their memories also makes me wonder just how accurate my negative memories of therapy are.
At any rate, one of the most memorable things from the past year was trying to talk for the first time with my therapist about feeling suicidal. I've always felt the need to present myself as well put together, and thoughts about suicide, well, they contrast with that persona. So I might have been my minimizing my distress, but I most remember feeling "dropped" by my therapist in response to bringing up the thoughts. She asked minimal follow-up questions and then seemed to change the topic. I brought it up again in subsequent sessions, but never talked with her about how I perceived her response.
And that brings me to milestones. Just last week I was able to tell my therapist that I felt angry in response to something that she suggested. (I plan to start a separate thread about this.) Up until then, I mostly idealized her and figured she could do no wrong. So telling her I felt angry felt important.
Witti, the moments of silence you describe sound wonderfully rich and full. I'm glad you've had the chance to share these with your therapist.And I'm glad to hear that you've become more engaged in studying again. If you could pass some of that my way, I'd appreciate it :)
I have also attempted suicide in the past, twice. I was seeing a different therapist at the time, and I had the distinct feeling that she was angry with me for a long time. Whether that was my own perception, or the truth, or a little bit of both, I'll never know. I regret having not talked with her about the effect of my attempts on our relationship. She was a pretty strict CBT therapist, though, and I'm not sure how open to that kind of conversation she might have been. I hope that you have the chance to revisit this with your therapist if you continue to have uncertainties about it.
poster:onceupon
thread:870249
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870449.html