Posted by antigua3 on February 12, 2009, at 10:35:46
Just thought I'd start a new thread instead of adding to the old one.
I'm still trying to get my head around what has happened in therapy over the last two days, with two very different therapists.
Part of it is that I can't remember everything that happened because I disassociated so much. It's very annoying, but obviously my mind is protecting me, which I can accept for now.
My pdoc was first. Surprisingly, he was waiting for me when I arrived. Usually he's late and it takes us a while to get going, but he was obviously ready to go. I was impressed that he had made the effort.
He brought up my letter right off the bat, which was nice because I thought he would wait for me to bring it up. He had it in his hand, which made me cringe.
To say that he was thrilled that I had written to him is probably an understatement. He told me how great it was that I could articulate myself so well and how clearly I understood the process and could see what was going on (transference).
Those of you who have followed my rantings over my pdoc's extreme CBT orientation will get a kick out of the next part.
He tried (I stopped him because he didn't need to waste the time) to explain to me how important/wonderful it was that I was experiencing this new-found transference with him and how it was vital to my therapy, that I had to go through this w/him in order to "work through" my issues with my father to arrive at a better outcome and hopefully heal.
I was floored. Isn't this the guy who says we have no relationship and doesn't believe in transference? Either I've been reading him wrong all along, or as my T likes to say, I've taught him a lot.:) I think the misunderstanding arises out of his belief that the transference isn't actually about him; he's really just a vessel, or a means to an end. I know that this transference isn't necessarily about him, the man, but about what it stands for. So I think I understand him better, but I certainly was taken aback.
He actually read the part where I fessed up to my transference and that was really difficult for me to hear. I couldn't bear to hear that I admitted to having strong feelings for him, partly because I didn't want to be rejected for having those feelings. But I wasn't rejected, which felt good.
I couldn't stay with him. I had to keep asking, "What are we talking about?" because my thoughts kept flying out of my head, probably because this was all so difficult. We talked about my feelings about my father a lot, and the shame I still feel, and the shame I feel having transferred these feelings onto him. He assured me that these feelings were OK and he could handle them (I asked him several times to be sure). I do know that it is safer at this point in therapy to place the feelings onto him rather than deal with the horribleness I feel about the real feelings about my father.
A lot more went on, but I can't remember it. Except I do remember talking about why I'd been feeling so badly since I'd last seen him--intrusive thoughts (to put it mildly) and a flashback that has returned. It's only a fragment, but it has been very distressing. Has happened twice so far in the past week).
But I remember the end. I did muster up the courage to ask why he hadn't called me, knowing how I was feeling, and as was pointed out by several posters, he thought since I had written, I had displayed that I was strong enough to handle this on my own. And, as I thought, he didn't think it was in my best interests to call. I knew that--that's his style and I mentioned how important he thought it was that I don't become too dependent on him. We argued over how strong I actually was, that I think he thinks I'm stronger than I am.
Then we degenerated into our usual argument about his "style" of therapy and the unequalness of it, that he has all the power. He asked me a lot of questions to show that he has been there when I've asked (but still doesn't get how hard it is for me to actually ask).
I knew he would ask what I wanted to hear from him if he had called. I'd thought about this a lot, and I said, "reassurance." Reassurance that he wouldn't abandon me after I admitted having these feelings, and reassurance that these feelings were normal. He gave me that reassurance, repeatedly.
There's more, but I can't remember. Except for the ending when we were "disagreeing" about the level of caring he displays toward me and the level I think I need, and whether his style was really right for me, that I often think of it as abuse, clear and simple, when I feel like I'm being ignored, etc.
Then he pointed out something that I wasn't aware of. He asked if I realized that I usually left in anger, that it was easier for me to separate if I left that way, that I couldn't accept leaving w/thoughts of a caring pdoc. He was right, and I hadn't noticed that pattern before.
I have to say that I'm left more with feelings about the session than what was actually said. I do feel cared for, and while that's really hard for me to admit, I'm going to have to accept it. I do know, however, that unlike some other types of therapists, he draws boundaries that may be too strict for me. I may need more that he can't/won't give me and that may be an insurmountable obstacle for my therapy w/him.
Yesterday, my T was back to her usual self and wanted me to be sure that I understood that she would have called me if she had received the letter. (She did find it before I came, and had some good comments on it, but she's scatter brained at times, but that's part of what makes her her, if that makes any sense.)
We spent the session talking about my session w/my pdoc, so there wasn't much time to talk about anything else, but she does want to delve into why I picked this particular pdoc.
Oh, and she wanted to focus on the flashbacks. For me to try and concentrate on how different parts of my body feel when it's happening so we may get a better understanding of the fragment. Interesting to me was that she said that something about my letter and admitting my transference was triggering the flashback and she wants to explore that.
Why isn't there ever enough time?
All in all, they were two very good sessions--a landmark with my pdoc and the usual, supportive one with my T.
I'm not going to nitpick what my pdoc said to death right now. There's a lot to work on, but I'm going to accept what he had to say at face value and continue the discussion of whether his approach is the right one for me. But I'm in this pretty deep and that scares the h*ll out of me.
But I am so happy to be rid of the obssessive ruminating over this that had consumed me for two weeks. I feel like I can go back to my life for the time being.
I can't thank everyone enough for all their support in listening and responding to me as I've tried to work through this particular stage of therapy. It is incredibly painful.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:879619
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879619.html