Posted by backseatdriver on February 19, 2009, at 10:14:28
In reply to Re: Transference and Counter-Transference? » backseatdriver, posted by SLS on February 18, 2009, at 13:07:52
Hi Scott!
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for just one more post, and then I'll stop.
Here I am coming from: When it comes to relationships, I am the sort of person who rejects *herself* first, before giving the other person the chance to.
The long term results of this strategy have not been good. I have a pattern of relationships with people who are very safe, meaning very forceful, aggressive and direct in their expression of affection. In a way, this is reassuring to me, but after a while I start to wonder why I can't seem to attract anyone with any empathic sense, who knows how to pay close attention to my inner life, my shifts in mood, my perceptions. Of course, this is because I spurn anyone who is not coming on REAL strong. And people who come on REAL strong are often not the most empathic folk.
>How would it help the relationship with my therapist if
> I were to ask her if she had a crush on me?I don't think you can actually hurt your therapy relationship by saying anything. (*Doing* things - acting out - might be a different story, depends on the therapist. The older ones who've seen it all are more patient, I have found.) In any case, a good therapist -- and I think yours is good, otherwise you would not feel this way about her -- will not penalize you for saying anything. She will understand that whatever you say is, at the very least, important grist for the therapy mill.
>It could never be, so why encourage the thoughts and feelings.
This is where I get stuck, too. But I think if one *does* encourage the thoughts and feelings, then one gives oneself a precious gift: the opportunity to discover something important about yourself -- about what, and who, you desire. And with a therapist, you really can talk about these things.
Plus, for me anyway, it is important to fight against this first-order thought, which is that anything I desire is automatically not for me. I don't know if this is a pattern for you, specifically, but I thought I would flag it because it comes to mind when you say "It could never be."
I believe that because therapy is such an intimate relationship, Eros is always in the room in one way or another. And therapists are trained to deal with these feelings. Your therapist won't reject you. (If she does, I feel very strongly that you should walk away -- this is not a good therapist.) She will work with you to find a solution that works for both of you. Together, you will work out the problem. Eventually, understanding will take the place of disappointment. If your T is empathic, she probably already has a inkling of how you feel anyway. I think these feelings are hard to hide from someone who is paying attention (and hard to avoid having for that person - it feels so good to be cared for and attended to, how can one *not* fall at least a little in love?)
That said, I *do* take your point about timing. It is a serious question, when if ever to bring these feelings into the light. It might be wise to hold them, to keep them to yourself until you feel more comfortable. But if doing so will make you feel alone and isolated, I don't think the silence is worth it. In that case, I would heartily say: Seize the day! Chase it down! Clearly your T is special, and so are you. Why not take a really good look at what is right there between you and this special person?
I know, I know -- I'm talking big. I'm trying to live a bit larger myself, to be less afraid of other people, to be less sure that I am contemptible and worthy of rejection from the get-go. Forgive me if I'm being too forthright. I am a very shy person, trying to be less so. I'm grateful for patience. :)
Yours,
BSD
poster:backseatdriver
thread:880539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881055.html