Posted by SLS on February 20, 2009, at 7:58:16
In reply to Worse than ever, posted by TherapyGirl on February 20, 2009, at 6:40:39
Hi TG.
This is a very preachy post. It is a bad habit of mine. However, I feel as if I have gone through much of what you are going through now, and I learned how to thrive despite the well-meaning ignorance of others.
> My "best friend" and one of the people I consider family told me last night that she just can't get past what happened last month. She says she's forgiven me and she understands about the depression and thyroid stuff (she way doesn't), but she can't get past it. She will continue to be my co-worker and friend, but we will never again be friends like we were.
I am sorry. That is a great loss and must be devastating to your self-esteem. My years of depression have stolen many people from my life, so I understand the unfairness of it all. I accepted it, though, as being part of the trajedy of my having such an unfair and devastating illness. I realized that when the time was right, I would make new friends. The healthier I got, the more people I would meet, the healthier would be these people, and the healthier would be the relationships. I was angry with my best friend for abandoning me, but I learned that the loss was a casualty of the depression. Eventually, I forgave him in my mind and in my heart. Some people just don't know how to handle mental illness when it occurs in a friend. Now that I am feeling better, I have gone out of my way to reestablish the friendship, and it is going very well.
> She also told me that mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior.That is a difficult concept for someone without mental illness to grasp. They consider that all of their behaviors are well withing their psyche to control. (How silly). I don't know if they could make the same argument if they have ever been inebriated.
> I told my T that on the phone last night and she actually laughed.
Why?
There is nothing funny about this. Your friend is not the only person to believe the way she does about mental illness. This is a serious issue, and one you are going to have to contend with from time to time in your life. Understanding this reality has been crucial for me to maintain my self-esteem. It is a very serious matter that I think you might discuss with your therapist when you have your next visit.
> So this is how my life goes.
Only if you allow it. You can attend to this issue seriously and learn coping mechanisms. I learned how to communicate the truth about mental illness to the people around me. I am assertive in this regard. I don't let people "happen" to me. For those who for whatever reason are recalcitrant to understanding, forgive them their ignorance and move on. You actually don't owe anyone an explanation. It is up to you to determine how selective you will be disclosing something so personal.
> It feels like everyone around me, even those who feel a bond with me, are just waiting for the slightest slipup so they have an excuse to get me out of their lives.
I am sure this is not true. If these people wanted you out of their lives, they wouldn't be waiting around for an excuse. They would be long gone already. Think about it. They remain with you because they care about you. They like you. They might even find something loveable about you. Maybe.
> Just like my mother.
I wouldn't know about that.
> There is not one part of me that can continue to do this on any level.
I wouldn't know about that either. I would hope that your current state of mind will pass, even though the real problems persist. You need to begin to deal with the world around you as it exists by changing it. That includes changing yourself. This is what therapist are for, I believe. You really don't even have to focus too much on changing the world, you will find that it changes all by itself as you change and become healthier yourself.
> (Not a suicide threat, just reality.) I am clearly completely unloveable
That is considered to be a core belief in CBT, and is all but impossible to change overnight. In the meantime, is there any way you can be convinced that you are indeed loveable, despite, and allowing for, your feelings that you are not? The messages of childhood can be sabotaging to one's sense of self and self-esteem. I read your stuff. You don't seem unloveable to me. I'm a hard sell, though. You would have to be a truly evil person for me not to love you. Evil is not a behavior. It lies in the heart (or lack of one). Nothing you have done is evil. Whether or not you are happy with your behavior is something you can discuss with your therapist. You are not doomed to remain the same. Hard work with proper guidance will bring you to a better place. You will be happy, especially if you are willing to take risks like the one you took here by posting your about your behaviors and true feelings.
> and undeserving of friendships and second chances that seem to just happen for other people without much effort.
Yes. "How do they do it?"
:-)
You will too, but with just a bit more effort. You are not going to have to climb a mountain - just a series of hills.
> She really did base this decision on 3 days during which I was having a breakdown vs. all of the other days of our close and loving friendship. She even admitted last night that the behavior was a complete aberration from who she knows me to be. But it doesn't matter.
Of course it matters. Not so much to me, but it obviously does to you, or you would not be feeling the way you do right now. Educate her. Present her with written material. It might be much more pursuasive than anything you can say to her. You can apologize to her for your behavior, if that feels right to you, and explain that you live with a challenge. Tell her that you would like to remain friends, but that it will be important for your relationship that she has an understanding of that challenge. If she still rejects you, forgive her in your heart and move on.
> And so none of this matters to me anymore. I just can't do it.Sorry. You will do it. Just not right now. You are burned-out. Rest.
Be merciful with yourself. You are a survivor. Has it ever occurred to you that there are others with your exact same challenges who are in much worse shape for not being as capable as you are at dealing with them, regardless of how capable you now feel that you are not? Believe it. You have my respect, even if you don't have yours.
Don't worry. People here won't give up on you or discard you. Please don't give up on yourself. Goodness comes bubbling out of your words. Good people like to see good people succeed. I don't know how good I am, but I would like to see you happy.
Rest.
Good luck.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:881247
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881266.html