Posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
...well, practically.
I hadn't seen my T in about a month. I was going every three weeks (my choice) b/c I felt that there wasn't much I wanted to work on (although much I'm sure she would say I needed to work on) and i felt like every appt was me complaining about my life and her asking what goals i wanted to set and me shrugging my shoulders. Once I did say I wanted help getting over my first therapist, but she seemed to have forgotten that when the next session came around and I didn't bring it up again. I've had a lot of family pressures: mom w/ alzheimer's, my dad's been sick lately first with a broken collar bone and now a kidney stone that is too large to pass, so I'm basically the one who goes back and forth doing things for them b/c my sis doesn't do anything to help.
So during this latest crisis with my dad I leave my T a message while I'm at the doc's. My T called me back last weekend, said she's booked during the week but would stay late yesterday (Saturday) to see me and I said ok.
First, she's never on time. Isn't that supposed to be part of the "therapeutic frame" or something, that sessions begin and end at a certain time? She's always running at least 15 mins behind, but yesterday my appt was for 5:15, I got there at 5, she didn't see me until 5:45. I had things going through my head, things i wanted to tell her: stuff about my first therapist, dreams I've had, my parents, work, eating, blah blah, but nothing planned-out in my head.
I walk in, sit on the couch, and shut down. Completely. It was like with my first therapist all over again. I've never been like this with her. She kept asking me questions, trying to coax a conversation. She started to talk soft, like my first therapist used to, saying how glad she is to see me but she can't read my mind and why won't I let her help me, blah blah. I start to cry. She hands me a box of tissues which I ignore. This goes on for over half an hour. I wanted to say stuff, I really did, but when I get stuck like that I can't get over it, and no one seems to understand that. The things I needed to say seemed so daunting, and useless, and took way too much energy. It was easier just to sit there. I thought she would be a bit more understanding, but she turned on me like my first therapist did. Although I doubt she'd put up with two years of this like the first . She asked if I wanted to go to the outpatient eating disorder program while I had a month left before I go back to work (I have the summer off), I shook my head. She asked, again, if there's anything I want to work on in the month I have before I go back to work. I shook my head, got up, and started to walk out. She followed me, asked what I'm doing, asked me to stay for a few more minutes, why am i doing this. I walk out the door, get into my car. The whole time I'm telling myself (in my head) that I'm an idiot, I'm blowing this AGAIN, what the hell am I doing, and I can hear her call after me but I block out what she's actually saying. I see her out of the corner of my eye standing in the parking lot but I don't look at her. I drive away.
As I walk in my door I hear her on my machine. She leaves a message, sounding kind of aggravated, said she thought we were going to have a good conversation b/c she hadn't seen me and she doesn't understand what happened and to think about what I want and to let her know when I figure it out. I crawled onto a chair and bawled.
So, yeah, I pretty much f**ked up another one.
Why do I do this? Why do I shut down when I need someone the most? And why can't they figure it out? And what the hell do I do now? Now what if something majorly bad happens and I need her? I'm screwed, that's what.
And I'm so completely pissy lately. And to top it all off this morning my cat puked on my rug and I spilled my iced coffee after I got home from the coffee shop. Argh!
I don't want to be me anymore.
poster:LibraryGirl
thread:907474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/907474.html