Posted by fleeting flutterby on August 11, 2009, at 10:35:55
In reply to Re: Disappointment or Relief?, posted by antigua3 on August 10, 2009, at 18:35:06
> flutterby-mandy--thank you so much. You've given me some new things to think about.
>----flutterby: You are welcome. :o)
> Yep, that's my mother, and it is a tough place when you've been a weak person who constantly covers hate with love. I can hear my psychiatrist suggesting that I look at the "gray" area and I'm really trying. It wouldn't be so tortuous if I could do that. But why do I have to love her so much? It's the same with my father. I layered love over hate so I didn't have to hate him. I still don't, really, except I do hate what he did to me.<<----flutterby: Oh yes, the "good" child. that is me too! I was the model child(yuk--I still am even as an adult) -- there was NO teenage rebellion from me. I held everything inside, my pain, my trauma, the abuse-- everything.
Why do you have to love her so much?---- could it be that you so so want it returned(love) and hope that if you love her THIS much that you will finally get it back?-- could that be part of it?? unfortunately-- love is not necessarily reciprocal. :o( I've found that out from my mom. Now I hold her in my heart as a distant aunt, one that I have to care for but not get too close emotionally.
> I think, stupidly of course, that I didn't want to inflict any more pain on her, but it didn't seem to faze her.<<
----flutterby: No no, not stupid at all. You are a compassionate person. Hats off to you in being so, you sure didn't learn that did you. I grew up learning that my mom was emotionally weak and so even as a child I focused on protecting her instead of myself, as she had to be as healthy as possible to take care of me.(if that makes any sense)>> She has a funny way at looking at the world, and I see now that it's always about her; she can't see/or chooses not to see that everything isn't about her. For God's sake, I wasn't blaming her for what happened--that's what I thought it would sound like when it came out, even though I said flat out that I wasn't blaming her. She just conveniently took herself out of the equation and turned it back on me.<<
---flutterby: Yes, what a disappointment for you, I'm so sorry. maybe keep this in mind-- it's her misgiving, not yours-- so in this instance it IS about her and not you. You don't have to own her inability to comfort you.
>
> I'm mad that I just blurted it out; I really didn't intend on doing that, but that's just how it happened. Given the argument we were kind of having, I think I wanted to hurt her, to get some sort of satisfaction. Isn't that a horrible way to be?<<----flutterby: I don't think so. You were hurting and wanted to be heard and validated- we all have that right. Maybe you just wanted her to feel pain so she could relate to you? maybe? or maybe you were angry, rightly so, and needed to get it out.
>
> I just feel overwhelmed at the moment. I can't seem to settle down and put my thoughts in any kind of order. I'm being hit by all sides by so many different types of awful feelings and I need to sort them out.<<---flutterby: Oh yea, "mental chaos" I call it. I can so relate. :o(
> Tomorrow should be interesting as I see both my T and psychiatrist.<<----flutterby: Oh, good luck! Hope it all goes well.
>> I kind of feel like they've lied to me. They promised me I wouldn't have to travel this path alone, a path I've never been down before, but I don't feel them with me. I don't feel secure enough to reach out to them.<<
----flutterby: could you be feeling those rejections from your mom here? maybe you see them doing the same?
>>They don't live this every moment of every day so it was stupid to trust them.<<
-----flutterby: heh, you sound just like me. trust is very difficult for some of us.
thinking of you,
flutterby-mandy
poster:fleeting flutterby
thread:911138
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090730/msgs/911549.html