Posted by workinprogress on October 4, 2010, at 23:35:05
In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 4, 2010, at 22:44:47
Annabelle-
You are not alone. I'm glad you shared what you're feeling here. I know many of us on this board have shared many of the feelings you expressed here. And, we're here to "listen" so you're not alone in that either. You are alone in your room right now, that's real, we're all sometimes alone and sometimes deeply empty and lonely, but not forever. Here's a great poem I found yesterday:
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Rainer Maria Rilke
No feeling is final. It will change, just like the weather outside changes.
Have you shared what you said here with your therapist? Maybe instead of rehearsing and planning what you say, maybe you can just bring in what you wrote here. It seems like there's a lot of important stuff there that would be useful to talk through with your therapist.
Take some deep breaths and remember that these feelings are just feelings and they will change.
xoxoxoxo
WIP> Dear WIP,
>
> Thank you for your thoughtful words.
>
> I need somewhere to talk right now, so I will just talk right here. I feel so alone and it seems like the night will last forever. I go through my list of phone contacts, and there is no one to call. No one would understand. When I try to tell people what is going on, I cannot really find the words to explain how it feels, but from my attempts, they always say that what I feel is normal; they say that they have felt the same way, that it is part of being in college and that it is just a phase-- but I have felt this way my whole life; it has just intensified now to where I cannot control it. I feel like everything I have said is brushed aside. Sometimes I think people say this because it is more comfortable and reassuring to them. From time to time, I pour out my soul to people that I somewhat trust. It is always misunderstood and they brush it aside. It feels like an emotional rape. I am afraid to reach out anymore. It is so hard because I have so many acquaintances all around me, but no true friends. No one knows me, just the false mask that I wear all of the time. When I interact with these people, I feel more alone. Part of me wants to withdraw from them all and face my loneliness and start over again. But to do this feels like diving further into an isolated hell. I feel trapped with no way out.
>
> I do not see my therapist for another day and a half, and it feels like an eternity. Part of me feels that I cannot sleep until Wednesday afternoon. I live for each session, as it is the only thing that helps me get through the week. I am terrified that he will soon tell me that we can only meet every other week. I often think that I am not getting better because I am not seeking help correctly. I do not follow my urges because I am so afraid that people will get mad and I will be threatened and maybe will not be able to survive their attack. If I could follow my deepest urges, I would call my therapist on the phone between our weekly sessions, I would reach out to other people on campus, I would be more honest even though that will be embarrassing. I often have such rage against people but do not know how to express it. All of this is going on underneath the surface, and I do not know how to tell anyone. It is trapped inside, and I cannot contain it much longer. No one would believe me, and no one does believe me, as my interactions with others prove.
>
> I am so scared. I feel absolutely alone. I do not know how to make it through the night alone with myself in my room. Most nights I talk out loud to myself- sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and talk but often in front of the computer screen or in bed- I often carry on extended conversations with my therapist during these times, or with other people. Sometimes when I go to session, I cannot remember what I told him and what I did not tell him, as it is confused in my head. Talking to myself is like zoning out, like entering into a fantasy where all activity in the external world stops but where my mind becomes increasingly dragged into the chaos. I obsess about how to prepare for my session, and I think of all of these things that I have to say and I write-- but when I get there, I cannot remember any of it vividly and usually go blank.
>
> It feels like being disconnected from everything-- from every other person, from what I used to love, from God, from myself, and from life. I feel like I am not living my life and that it is being wasted. It feels like hell, and I just want it to stop. The harder I try to get my head around and understand what is going on, the deeper into the spiral I go until it seems like it will never end.
poster:workinprogress
thread:963658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100831/msgs/964728.html