Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 18:16:16
In reply to Re: F it to Hell, posted by pegasus on February 11, 2011, at 12:46:23
Thank you Peg and Annierose.
I actually had my make-up session today. Last night around 11pm I felt so ready for it that I thought I was going to burst. I took something to help me sleep last night and still could hardly get 4 hours of sleep. All day today I had this continual feeling of being dizzy, of feeling as though I was going to vomit, even tasting that vomit taste in my mouth. I had this feeling last night that I would have a breakthrough session today-- but I was disappointed. I spent so long putting every ounce of my energy and hope into this session, and I think for that reason, couldn't be present. For that reason, because I wanted it too much, it was ruined.
We usually start on the hour, but this time, started at 3:30. For some reason, I was thinking that we had more time-- like 15 minutes left-- but when I asked him, he said time was up. I felt a despair like the bottom of my existence had dropped out. Then nausea.
I left feeling so upset. I have just laid in bed for the past hour and a half since it ended. I feel so suicidal right now that I don't know what to do. An acquaintance had invited me to dinner, but I lied and said I was busy. I couldn't possibly go out right now. I don't know what to do. The thought of having to make it another week, and the same thing happening again-- time running out in a session and leaving, leaving with so many things unsaid, being there and not feeling present-- makes me feeling utterly hopeless. I hate the weekend-- Fridays are my most difficult days, because they signify a deep loneliness that is incosolable. I have so much work to do, but just feel like I can't make it. With these suicidal thoughts I feel a desperation. I don't know what to do.
Call a suicide Hotline? Write on here? Go see my older friend who I have shared much of this with before, but who is getting tired of it, I think? Reach out to somebody else? Distract myself? Sublimate? Attempt the suicide?
How to get out of this maze. I feel like I am stuck inside of an M.C. Escher picture. Dear f*ck*ng God. This is hell.
I feel hopeless. Personally. Ultimately. I want somebody to talk to with about God and hope, but I can't do that with most people. I view my therapist as my spiritual guide too, but we just don't have enough time to talk about everything. I don't trust most people in talking about God-- I think they are wrong or that often the hope they suggest to me is just not plausible or is often the case that is grasps to a false certainty. That is almost always the case.
My therapist pointed out a theme about going or staying.
I think about it. About life: I am so afraid of death and find it so hard to live with death that a part of me feels like I must run into death. I am so afraid of leaving my therapist and it hurts so much to leave him each session that a part of me thinks that I need to leave and terminate because the pain in so much. In both cases, the thing that I most desire is given up to that which threatens what I desire.
This is intolerable. I don't know what to do.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:979001
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979111.html