Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 15, 2011, at 19:35:35
This is what is tormenting me.
I have a session tomorrow morning. Before a session, I know that I have the power to make it good or bad-- to leave, as at times have been the case, in hope, or all too usually, in despair. I can't afford another case of coming in, wasting 45 minutes, and waiting another week for the cycle to repeat.
There is so much I want to share. Each week, I begin preparing for the session well in advance. But the preparationc consists of me planning out what and how I am going to say what I need to say. And I end up having about 50 ways to do this, so when I get there, I completely go blank.
Or feel paralyzed.It is a situation of being aware of being aware-- and not being able to shake that awareness. Of watching yourself talk, play a role, "perform." But there is no real connection. I feel like I have yet to truly *see my therapist-- I just see my projections of him. And he has yet to see "me"-- he just sees my various performative roles and images. All like clouds over an empty void. I need a real encounter.
But how to prepare? I tell myself to just not think about it. Get in the room and just be. Let go. But then I feel like I am not doing the best I can to be ready for this.
Just like being aware of being aware-- it is a case of reflecting upon reflection upon reflection upon reflection to infinity. Nothing is real anymore.
And the problem is-- that my very act of coming onto this board and typing is a perpetuation of the problem. I am planning. And won't be able to incorporate.
I just *can't afford to f*ck up tomorrow's session. I have worked myself into a situation of chaos. Absolute and utter chaos.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:979368
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979368.html