Posted by wittgensteinz on May 19, 2011, at 14:51:35
My father just visited for a few days. My partner is away for a couple of weeks with work.
I get on well with my father - we are close although ordinarily don't have much contact (living in different countries, he's not much of a 'phoner' or 'emailer' either - and there is my mother who is normally very prominant - if I phone then it's her I get, not him). It was a rare occasion that he visited on his own and that we spent some time together, just the two of us.
First I found him more aloof than normal but after a day we started talking more. Last night we talked for hours - it was 2 in the morning when we finally stopped talking.
He started telling how the situation at home with my mother was 'worse than it had ever been'. I questioned this because I wondered whether my taking the brunt of her anger/aggression might have given him the impression things weren't so bad then. Anyhow, it's now just him and from what he described, it does sound worse than ever. He had bruises on his arm and described her as 'demonic' (not a word I've ever heard him use before).
On the one hand he's an adult and it's his place to decide whether he wants to put up with her rages or not. We talked about a 'middle way' i.e. getting her some help. But she simply isn't open to the notion that anything might be wrong with her. When I was a child, he just stood there and never intervened - when I talked to him in confidence, he would even often end up betraying my trust and telling it to her. So, why should I care about him now? The thing is I care deeply - I hate to see him suffering. I think he deserves better - I think he's a good person, albeit rather passive, accepting and enmeshed in co-dependence. I wish I could do something but don't know what.
He went home this morning. The fantasy entered my mind of inviting him to come and live here with me for a while to think things through and get some professional help. A crazy idea and unfortunately no solution. I guess I thought all of that drama had ended when I finally got out of that situation but now I have these vivid images of him standing in my shoes and that feels awful - watching on and doing nothing feels worse, in fact.
You hear about battered wives but battered husbands, where do they go for help?
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:985725
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/985725.html