Posted by tina on June 13, 2001, at 9:45:39
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Rach hunny
You could never disappoint me or anyone else at haven or lotl. I wish you'd let us know this before but I'm glad you are "letting it out" somewhere.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know where you are and I have been there many times. I too have the unending desire to cut myself or just generally do damage to my own body. I am in a self-loathing stage right now too. I lost my job a little over 2 weeks ago because of my inability to control this disease that I have. There are always other jobs sweetie but there is NO other Rachael and I truly love this one and don't want her to change one bit.
I know what you are going through is very hard. The road to recovery is very long but you have to give yourself permission to fall every once in a while. You won't stay down forever but the very nature of the illness that grips all of us is such that you may take a couple steps backward in proportion to the many steps forward. Give yourself a break Rach. No one is completely cured in a perfect way. We all just muddle through as best we can, slipping, sliding, tripping, and getting up when we fall. You'll get up again. Just give yourself time. i know you aren't on any meds right now and it may be time to try them again, I don't know. My dad's depression comes in spurts. He doesn't need medication all the time and only needs to take it when he is in a "down" period. This may be the case with you.
I promise you that if you talk to us at haven, you will get unconditional support. No one will be disappointed and no one will judge you.
You are NOT alone Rachael, hear this, you are NOT alone.
please keep talking.
love you
Tina> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
poster:tina
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6419.html