Posted by akc on January 1, 2002, at 9:20:37
A new year . . .
For several months I have been determined to "turn my life around" so to speak. To "live" life, instead of just trudging through. But of course, it seems at times that life won't let me get up long enough to learn how to do things differently. And now we come upon a new year. While today is just another day, it does give a reason to reflect and plan. I gave up resolutions many moons ago because they were just another way I failed at life. But to "plan" somehow – well, that seems different in my mind!
I am trying already to do some things differently in life. I have started to get up and go straight to the exercise bike each morning, no excuses. I am turning off the tv for a few moments each day (oh, the silence – not good with that one). But the big thing I am trying to work on is my attitude. A big phrase I hear in AA and Alanon is faking it until you make it. I have become so convinced I won't make it. The episodes of this past year, there were three of them, they were very painful. And because of them, I think my spirit has been broken. Any faith I had in a higher power was broken. Any faith I had in others' ability to help me through this, no matter how talented I believe they might be, I lost. Any faith I had that I might get better, I lost. I realize I have got to overcome this fatalistic attitude. I think there is a lot of truth in that what you believe, you often become.
Since you cannot just all of a sudden believe differently, that gets me back to faking it until you make it. I've got to start acting the way a person would act if believes she was going to get better. So many times I don't do as my therapist asks because I think "why bother?" But I need to trust, and just do. This will be difficult. Inertia is hard to overcome, and I have some serious inertia to overcome. And it will be very difficult when I go through my episodes – I'm sure I have not seen the last of them.
Will this work? I am not sure. But it cannot be any worse than what I have gone through in 2001. I have just got to try something different in 2002. I'll keep you posted.
poster:akc
thread:16096
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/16096.html