Posted by wendy b. on April 26, 2002, at 18:46:49
In reply to Re: My Daughter's Psychologist Appt » wendy b., posted by Greg on April 26, 2002, at 14:32:16
Hi Greg,
Thanks so much for writing back. It IS great to be in touch, I have flitted in and out of Babble-land, according to my mood, yeah, mood swings, gotta love 'em. A little more hypomanic lately, so am posting more, it goes like that...
I know what you mean about the kids needing a confidential environment in which to talk. That's what it means to be 'safe' in those sometime difficult sessions. Who knows, therapy starting now may keep her from going through a lot of the denial that we went through. It's rotten to feel we have added to their load, but what would parents be if not imperfect and ill-tempered... < :-] (smile)
My daughter has seen a psychologist before, when there was a flare-up between her father and me. It was when she was about 8, around the time when she came home from her dad's and asked me how she could tell who to believe, daddy or you, mommy? Her dad evidently telling her about MY imperfections (which are many, but not the ones he rags on me for!). And it broke my heart to think that she thought we were putting her in that position vis-a-vis us. Like: 'decide who you trust more! daddy or mommy!' I did tell her it wasn't a matter of who was right or wrong, just a matter of how did SHE feel, what were HER experiences and feelings about whatever he was talking about. Try to tell an 8-yr old to distinguish between her own perceptions while at the same time feeling pressured to be on one side or the other... It's an incredibly difficult task for the child, but if anyone could do it, she could. Wise beyond her years...
I do try to teach her to call a spade a spade (aside: as an old fiend of mine might then add "and then, it's not so far from calling a spade a fucking shovel..."). She has been much more able to 'talk back' to her dad after the Christmas debacle... As in: I can risk acting like this becuase I feel safer. Maybe because she knows I won't let him hurt her anymore, since I brought us all back to court over the nastiness at Christmas. I guess she felt 'backed up' in a way. I tell her: YOU are in control of the situation, not him. If she is unhappy with her dad, the Law Guardian can be called and the issues addressed more easily now that the structure of the family court (she has the Guardian to protect her 'interests') is on her side. So while it's been hellish to go back to court, it's ultimately been a helpful thing...
Of course, my illness has only recently been addressed, really only in the past year since I was dx'd bipolar. So I also put a lot of unreasonable expectations on my daughter, and anger and irritability have been hallmarks of my particular strain of the disease. So of course, she would get some of that. It's better now, I have to say, and I feel glad about that.
The wineries: oh, yeah! What a lovely time of year! I think where you are the season is probably further along, we have been pinging and ponging back and forth between very warm and then very cold weather... Driving around here, in the Finger Lakes, it's amazing, like Little Switzerland. We feel so lucky to live here, just lake after lake after lake, each one spectacular in its own way! magnificent! I have been back at the tasting bar, pouring from time to time. Have had a lot of fun with it, even met a fella! (we'll see where it goes...) In the course of it all, have learned so much more about wine and pairing with food, etc. What a lovely way to live, elegant food and a fabulous bottle of wine to go with it! It don't get much bettern' this...
More later, and take good care of yourself, thanks for the hugs! and a mighty hug back to you, and a hug and a Medal of Valor to NaShay. It's hard what she's doing...
Wendy
> Hi Wendy,
>
> It's always good to hear from you! She does sound like she likes this woman and feels comfortable with her her. She also told me that she likes the idea of having an adult she can talk to that's not going to come running to my wife and I and tell us everything she said. I guess I can relate to that, I wish I would have had someone I could have trusted with my thoughts when I was a kid.
>
> The problems that you describe with your daughter's father is exactly why I feel so much guilt over this. My illness went untreated for so long and I put a lot of unreasonable pressure and expectations on the kids, and that wasn't fair. I can't change what happened, but it's in the nature of who we are that we beat ourselves up over these things (at least some of us do). I think you're a great Mom for trying to protect your daughter and you're right, if it was the other way around...It's never easy being stuck between a rock and hard place but she will respect you as long as she thinks you are doing the right thing. Really sucks that our kids always seem to have to suffer along with us doesn't it?
>
> On a brighter note...are your grapevines bloomin' yet? :) They just built a new road in town that goes thru to one of the main highways and it goes right thru the center of our best wineries. All the vines are turning green and it's drop dead gorgeous!!! At one point all you can see is green... I knew you would be able to appreciate that being a winery buff and all...
>
> Well, give that little one a big hug for me and yourself too. We need to write more often. I'll try to drop in on chat once in awhile even if it's just to listen.
>
> Be well,
> Greg
poster:wendy b.
thread:22639
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22679.html