Posted by direstraits on March 15, 2003, at 18:19:51
I am only 5'10" tall, and I weigh almost 400 pounds. I haven't always been this way. There's more to me than this, but nobody has the courage to see it.
I take that back. I am unlovable. Full of such hatred and rage. I take a small portion out on those around me, but the majority of it is internalized.
Every single aspect of my life is in shambles. Each day, I scrape up some small portion of what is known as the will to live and try to make it as long as I can with that miniscule nourishment. My ration rarely lasts an entire day.
Oh God, life wasn't supposed to be like this. I've spent my entire life finding someone to be my number one priority, throwing everything I had into pleasing them; yet; I have never been anybody's number one. My love is unrequited.
I spend a lot of time and energy making myself undesirable. I eat like there's no tomorrow. I create wounds on my body, so that I can pick the scabs for months until the scar is so unsightly, I know it will never fade. I pick at the acne on my face until it scars.
How can I long so badly for love, while at the same time, work so diligently to keep it away. There is this guy I met in college (I am gay.) that I was so attracted to. I don't know if he was/is gay or not, but he was so sweet and innocent. I was too afraid to spend a lot of time with him, for fear of being hurt if he got tired of me. Now (a few years later), I can't stop thinking about him. I love him. I always did. I'm now 100 pounds heavier. I live in Washington; he in Tennessee. There is no possibility of there ever being an "us," but he is all I think about lately. Not in a dangerous way, but in a "That was my only shot, and I chickened out. I wonder what could have been." kind of way.
Why can't *I* be my number one priority? I will be alone until my parents die, and then I will kill myself.
I hate God.
poster:direstraits
thread:209458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030308/msgs/209458.html