Posted by leeran on April 15, 2003, at 11:03:58
In reply to question about our futures, posted by mmcasey on April 15, 2003, at 9:02:01
“Do you guys really think that someday, through medication, therapy, personal growth and development, or whatever else... that SOMEDAY we will all truly be okay??
Hey, mmcasey, I think about this quite a bit, too.
I try to think back to when I wasn't "depressed" and I realize it was when I did aerobics all the time (obsessively) and was married to my first husband (we were miserable together) and I made a lot more money.
Hmmmmm, then, I think about that and say, "wow, I thought I wasn't depressed but I probably was."
Then, I think - okay, what about when I was in college, way back when. I was happy then, right? Then I remember a lot of dark moments when anything my boyfriend (became my first husband) did could send me under the covers (and not in a good way) and anything anyone said could hurt me for days. Well, darn. I must have been depressed then, too.
Okay, so I rewind the reel a little further back. High school. I was such a geek, and I don't say that lightly. It's true. I knew it then and I know it now. I didn't know how to fit in and didn't want to try too hard to do so because it might end up that I would get hurt. Well, examining that era didn't work in my favor - same result.
Junior high. Even bigger geek. Had a "progressive" shag haircut and this jerk called me "helmet head" every single day in math class (and punctuated it with hitting the back of my chair with his desk) while the teacher just looked at me like "you idiot, aren't you going to defend yourself?" Somehow, it bears mention that after a year of college the word got out that he thought I had really gotten "cute" but by then it didn't matter. The damage was done. Even now, knowing he lives out here in California and about 15 miles from here makes me want to go up there and either kick his butt or ask him if he remembers so clearly the things he said that made every day a living hell or if I'm the only one who remembers (I know the answer to that one :-).
If I walk down the memory path to grade school I remember feeling like winter would never end and hated gym class because I was always the last one chosen (not kidding, it's true - my father was a p.e. teacher/football coach at the high school but I was like the guy in "Best in Show" with two left feet). I also greatly resented the fact that I always got the sticks in music class and never got the tambourine (was this the beginning of PMS - poor me syndrome?). Oh yeah, and math made my head spin. I had a psychic moment in third grade when I thought "oh no, we will start multiplication today" - and we did, so I felt my doom was pre-destined.
There was second grade - when I wrote, "I hate my mother" on a little piece of paper after she had gone to the basement for a week and wouldn't come out. She found it a month or so later and wouldn't speak to me for weeks. That pretty much ruined a good portion of second grade.
In first grade a kid threw up all over the four pushed together desks where I was sitting and my absolute fear of vomiting kicked into full gear and I developed an intense fear of going to school for fear of someone puking. My parents called the school, they called a social worker, my dad spanked me with a yardstick most days before school because I so adamantly didn't want to go, and then finally, the principal of the school (a very old woman from the “old school”) marched me down to her office by the nape of the neck (after about a month of my shenanigans) and told me I would go to school and I would like it and that would be the end of it. To add insult to injury, my parents made me give her a bottle of perfume at the end of the year because, as they put it, "Old ________ (her name), put you in your place and got you straightened out."
Hmmmm again. I suppose the grade school years, in general, weren't so yummy - considering I developed an OCD "thing" where I would have to touch the foot board of my Jenny Lind bed, then the windowsill, then the Jenny Lind foot board again - then lay back down and do it all over again just so things would be "okay" (whatever the heck “okay” was).
Yuck, this is the opposite of "the ten things I love about today" - but I guess, in a way it is the ten things I love about today because so far, it's 9:00 and the worst thing that's happened is that I've eaten a donut and a half and haven't yet taken a Xenical.
So, my "onservation*" is this: I guess I've always been "this way." Something in my DNA says "hey, you - you can't be happy because something bad might happen if you are."
The comfort I take from all this is that I'm evolved enough to realize it! LOL! Actually, my observation has been that most people on the PB boards are very evolved, intelligent and creative individuals.
I spend a lot of time alone during the day and I have plenty of time to reflect on things and realize that I truly am a work in progress. I've had plastic surgery in an attempt to try to fix all the things I thought were broken, three marriages - trying to find that one person who "gets it," one child, a few dogs, one successful career that somehow lasted 19 years, and a few good friends I've known would always be there for me (and vice versa). AND, I recently found this board and read one paragraph from an old post that I basically waited my entire life to read!!! Light bulbs, fireworks, and an entire brass band section started up at the same moment when I read that single paragraph. It may sound ludicrous, but that one paragraph in that one older post somehow validated my life to this point (am I glad I found this board or what?).
So, do I think I will truly be okay? No. Probably not. Either because it's neurologically impossible or because I'm just too much of a perfectionist to ever say, "hey, everything IS okay."
That said, I can go through all the good things I have in life and try to appreciate them the best way I know how:
1) A wonderful 15-year-old son who is one of the funniest people I know and who seems to have a really good head on his shoulders thus far.
2) An unbelievable husband who has never once in 5+ years been mad or upset with me, despite all my pain in the butt ups and downs, hormoneless moaning, career loss, etc. - and who is the one of the other funniest people I know.
3) Parents who are still healthy (and also funny, despite their own flaws) and who rarely tell me how unhappy they are with each other anymore because I moved 2000 miles away and they are usually on the phone at the same time when we talk.
4) A dog who is a constant companion and is apparently destined to be with me, considering I tried to find a new home for her three different times (she was a stray).
5) The "luxury" of working at home after years of stress, and a husband who doesn't expect me to be the major breadwinner.
6) A view of the ocean and a beach within five blocks (who cares if I wouldn't dare put a swimsuit on and sit my behind on the sand? It's still there if I ever get the courage to do it).
7) Material things that make life easier (I list those last because they are, after all, just things when it's all said and done, but their presence does free up time for other things).
Somehow, I think this board could possibly be one piece of the confusing puzzle. Knowing you're not the only one grappling with . . . yourself somehow makes the journey seem less daunting.
P.S. If we are ever okay, how will we know it?
P.S.S. I just re-read this, sigh, and realized that I’ve had lots of happy moments throughout all these years, so perhaps, if I could just detach my ego from all this “stuff” I hold on to I could be one step further in my journey.
*This was a typo from one of my email friends and I decided it was too good a word not to add to my vocabulary because it can mean "ongoing observations," something I'm continually making.
poster:leeran
thread:219511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030414/msgs/219536.html