Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 20:42:20
In reply to Re: Rough holiday » deirdrehbrt, posted by sienna on November 29, 2003, at 19:16:39
Hi Sienna,
I LOVE the idea with the dishes. A friend of mine was in an argument with her fiance and he called her a b****. She very calmly told him that She wasn't being one, and to illustrate the diference went to the cupboard and threw every single dish across the room. That relationship didn't work out.
I try to figure out why it is so hard for me to deal with all of this, and it seems so difficult. Part of it is because I don't remember all of it. I have X-rays that say something happened, but I don't have the memories.... or at least I don't have the memories available right now. The incidents that I do remember are either minimized, or I blame myself for them. I think that is the part that is so dangerous to me. How can I heal when I blame me?
I look at the things that I write like this, and I say "It should be SOOO easy". I know what I have to do, but for some reason can't do it.
I grew up knowing some really screwed up things. Being angry is bad. If I do something wrong, it is because I don't like, or worse hate my parents. Expressing anger is very bad, and there is no healthy way to do it. Defending yourself against an adult is bad. Education isn't all that important. I shouldn't expect my parents to show up for something that I think is important.
Well, that's a small sampling. I know now that most of what I learned as a kid was just plain wrong. I know that I need to re-learn a great deal of it. I just don't want to have to do that going into my fifth decade. I guess though, that I don't have a choice. If I'm going to remember and understand all of the abuse that I suffered while I was young, it probably makes sense to know first what lessons I shouldn't have learned, and replace them with the healthy ones. Then, at least, I'll have a good foundation, albeit a new one, upon which to start working.
I guess that being over 40 isn't too bad. There are people older than I who are working on the same issues. I didn't choose this, but at least I have the chance to deal with it. I'm going to give myself some permission.
I have permission to scream.
I have permission to cry.
I have permission to take naps with my bear.
I have permission to eat all the chocolate I want.
I have permission to be angry.
I have permission to sleep all day ocassionally.
I think this is a good start.
Thank you all again. You guys are great.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:284871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/285112.html