Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 10:07:34
I was urged to take some action by one person in the live's of two other people. I didn't know what I could do, but I tried to help the situation.
I knew the couple was having a hard time and started off w/ humor in an email and then moved into inviting one or both to come visit and maybe get a serious situation checked out & Mayo here.
I thought I'd done my best to help the one person in her inquiry about the couple. I patted myself on the back. I'd been a good child. I'd done my best in an awkward position.
I had a smile on my face and even tho' I didn't feel well, I had their love, and I have your love, so I was pretty well actually.
Well a little too much time elapsed between sending the email and their 'we're laughing email response'. I grew worried. Had I mispoken? So, I emailed again to be sure they'd understood part of the email was a joke and part was not a joke. Finally the next day I heard from one of the couple how I had hurt one of the two person's feelings w/ my humor.
That was yesterday, 2hrs before I was planning to go to my g-daughter's b-day party. I immediately started to cry and feel those awful failure feelings again. I'm a failure because no one but me in my FOO makes these kinds of blunders.
I'd looked forward to seeing my g-daughter and being w/ my fam' here for an evening but instead I allowed one person to pull my mood down so far I couldn't even think of being around anyone. I loved this one person. Do I love this one person too much. Why did it not occur to me that my children were my first love, and her sort of love a second love now? I am an adult now. I must have been sick and missed that class!
The punishment begins right away. Do this. Do that. Get busy and be somebody and do something right.
Upon awakening this morn' I thought first maybe something good would happen. I was feelin' cozy and sexual. Oh h*ll .. I suppose this new atyp anti-psych is going to put a damper on this now. This wasn't working; not sure if neuroleptics shut down this.(?) Crying. I begin the day of punishment. Usually takes me about two days to pay for my mistakes. Bad self talk. Everyone ignore me. They're mad at me because I wasn't strong enough to go to a beautiful little g-daughter's b-day party because one of my FOO had told me I was bad or wrong or crazy, and I'd hurt he/she.
It had meant so much to me to have a close relationship w/ this couple. I almost felt like I had a family again, like when our father was still here. And the person who asked me to become involved in their situation, well she's my mo*ther! But it 'had been none of my business'. In fact, she should intrude if her intention and not ask me to do for her.
But do I get this and do I see I have been hurt. Oh hell no. No, because, in my FOO now, w/ father gone, everything is ALWAYS my fault.
I will stay inside today, cry, think of how I could have gone from very socially well-rounded to the likes of this, never really understanding what one thing or more were the cause and effect of this difficulty w/ interpersonal relationships I now possess. Oh, and, 50steps backwards in the go back to PT work mindset. I'll tell ya', you gotta' have some skills for this one. They'd just about begun the interpersonal relationship module in DBT, when the group disbanded. I don't see my T for a few wks and she really only say 'uhum' and 'oh' and sometimes, once every 3mos of so, she'll speak 'a winner' .. 'something which hits home and helps'.
I'll do what I can to make myself pay for my misbehavior. Other than this, I can't change myself. I can't figure it out. It's beyond that. My intentions are misunderstood and when they are, my FOO* jumps on me like they're all assigned to grab a specific appendage to put into one part of the straight jacket. They are feasting on my failure and I feel deserving of being sacrificed.
I've trusted so much and been burnt so much, I'm I'm chronically untrusting and burnt. When I error, I think bad, feel bad, and probably look bad too.Any1 else have child-like tendencies? I knew where the line was between them and I. But I allowed another to push me into crossing it in attempt to earn her love. This is a person I'm to be greatly understanding and supportive of at this time, the one of the parents still w/ me.
I don't wanna' cry all weekend and wonder if I'm going to continually mess up every relationship which comes my way, leads to these 'abuse myself until I do something to prove self worthy again' rituals, but it's what I do now, and it started some time ago, some time ago when 'I changed somehow'.
Once I was the person people would come to for support and advice. Once I was thought very highly of by the people I'm speaking about here. But this has lessened over the years, w/ every failure of mine. Then following my father's death, as he was really the only one who would never allow me to punish myself. He had a way about him. He could make me see things in a totally diff' way w/o speaking a complete sentence. I guess it was because he loved me so unconditionally. I guess it was because he loved me like this, that maybe I thought they did too. But boy have I learned they are different. They don't intervene if I seem 2b punishing myself.
Anyone1 else do this kinda' crap?
w/o protection, 5f
*fam of origin
poster:Fivefires
thread:784463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070827/msgs/784463.html