Posted by garnet71 on February 9, 2009, at 3:59:46
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » Garnet71, posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 2:14:37
Hey Jade!! I'm still up. I just found the little piece of paper on which I scribbled my endocronologist appointment; it is today at 8 am, in a couple of hours here.
Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! But you know, I am not dwelling over N guy at all; I was being hard on myself for not preventing my life from falling apart (again). There could have been so much I could have done to prevent this, and it is probably more of a natural state of grieving than anything else. I had quit a very good paying job with great benefits, to complete my studies which entailed daytime classes. Had I not quit, my pension would be vested right now, and I would have lifetime medical benefits. It's not about him, it's about me.
Needless to say, I have not not answered his texts/calls/emails for a few weeks now. It takes a lot of self-discipline in doing so; if I talk to him, he would offer to pay my mortgage payments and give me pseudo comfort-not out of benevolence, but out of manipulation, sadism, and for ostensibly self-serving purposes. I had done this in the past and have paid dearly for it-emotionally. If I fall prey to that again, he would punish me by devaluing me in passive-agressive, stealthly ways..it's complicated. Although I had never given up my independence for THAT, I was tempted at times-when things were very good with us (when I was fullfilling his fantasy, his ideal soul mate). I have vowed not to make that mistake again and am standing firm--no matter what happens.
But yeah, the last statement there was very, very lame and indicates a bit of self-loathing. Instead of directing anger at myself, I've recently had 'luck' with processing it via more healthy means. Sometimes, however, old habits are hard to break.
I've met some great people here, but after spending a month or so hanging around, I've come to the conclusion this forum is neither a safe nor a healthy place for me to be.
Thanks for your concern and thoughtfulness. You are a strong and spirited woman!!
poster:garnet71
thread:878398
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090116/msgs/879055.html