Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 17:40:19
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
on the one hand 'it is always something'. i hear that, loud and clear. 'it is always something with you'. 'if it isn't one thing it is another'. i don't suppose it is any voice i've internalised from the outside. just like how my 'good' voice isn't any particular voice i've internalised. it is more a curious blend of different aspects that i've simply picked up over the years. i get this other voice too. no i don't think cbt will help. but thanks for asking.
so yesterday afternoon sometime a girl rocked up. and so they have put her in the room next to me because that is the only room they have left now. only it is not just her. there are two girls in there. and they are trying to be quiet. i can hear them trying to be quiet. i can hear them say things like 'hey lets be quiet' and stuff. and they are talking quietly. incessantly. they don't stop.
half past twelve i moved into the lounge to get sleep. moved back around six as people started to wake up and being noisy... then they started up again around eight. noise noise constant stream of noise. i can't hear myself think. all i do is hear their innane prattle about whatever the f*ck they are talking about... massive thought interrupting device.
so i'm sleep deprived... and i'm feeling angry. and i'm feeling violated and invaded. and who knows whether they have moved in permanently or what. and i start fantisising about getting a gun and shooting them because i think that is what it would take to make them stop (I would never - but i do feel extremely angry).
and hyper... from lack of sleep. my mind is going nine hundred billion miles an hour and anyone talking makes me really really really f*ck*ng mad. i walked into the park before. and there are people. mostly in pairs. chatting and talking. and i manage to get myself positioned into the quietest place there is... then along come some really f*ck*ng noisy people and they scan around for where to put themselves.... and they put themselves right next to me. who has work spread out all around who is obviously TRYING TO THINK. they put themselves their noisy f*ck*ng selves right up as close to me... when there is the whole f*ck*ng park. of course they do. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS????? and if i say something... like 'oh hey, if you want to listen to music how about you get some headphones' to the person listening (quietly!) to music on their phone... or 'i'm sorry is my working getting in the way of your talking' to people who come righ tup next to me (of course they do!) in the library... people look at me and... smirk. like they are teasing me or something. like they are funny.
and i start thinking about peeling off part of their skin one day at a time with a potato peeler or something... something... so they understood how i really felt about tehir presence.
what the f*ck is wrong with me?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1047868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130914/msgs/1051532.html