Posted by wishingstar on August 18, 2006, at 21:02:30
As some of you may (or may not) know, I'm currently going into my second year of a psychology masters program. It's a research/statistics/etc based psych program though.. not based on counseling or applied work. However, my goal is to do applied work. In fact, I really dont like research much at all. So how did I end up in this program? That's another story.. a stupid mistake made out of fear. Not important though.
I have a problem now. It's a 2 year program, and the frist year, everyone takes univariate stats in the fall and multivariate in the spring. I took both of course. Now this fall, some people take SEM (it stands for structural equation modeling..), and the remaining few take one of 2 other similar (and equally nauseating) classes.
I dont want to take any of them. I dont plan to be a statistician or a researcher and will never use anything from those classes after graduate school. They are known (SEM especially) to be incredibly difficult and time consuming.
So now my dilemma is this. Do I go talk to the director of the program (I know her fairly well.. there are only 9 of us in my cohort) and tell her I dont want to take any? In reality, it's an option.. the only downfall would be that my concentration (clinical) wouldnt be listed on my transcript if I didnt take it. This may be a problem because later, when I go to apply to counseling grad programs (what I truly want to do), I'm going to need all the help I can get in explaining why the heck I was in this program to begin with. The more clinical work I do now, the easier that will be. If I did drop SEM, I would take another class instead.. likely developmental psych or a couples/family psych class. Much more interesting to me, but a stretch for the degree I'm getting. The couples/family class would bring up a whole different set of problems (some of the requirements would be hard, given my family situation).. but thats another issue too.
The bigger issue when it comes to dropping SEM, however, is all me. I cant let myself drop it because... I just cant. I know I wont like it, I know I wont use it, I know it'll only stress me out... but I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I asked myself earlier, am I still just as good a person if I dont take the hardest classes? And the first answer that came to mind was "no". Logically I know that isnt true.. but all I've ever defined myself by has been grades, academics, awards, etc. Backing out of SEM just because its hard - (and truly, thats the biggest reason.. if it were easy I'd take it, even knowing I wont like it or use it) - is just unacceptable in my mind. And I keep questioning myself, what if one day I do work in the research field (which could happen) and regret not taking this? The program I'm in is one of the few that teaches it, and the professor is one of the best. I would be missing out on an excellent class...
The other issue is my depression. I'm struggling a lot lately, inbetween therapists... everything is very up in the air. The thought of SEM and all the mind-numbing reading I'd have to do for it makes me feel emotionally worse. I cant let a stupid class and my own pride cause me to fall deeper into depression. That isnt worth it. I'm already having to write my masters thesis this year which has the same yuck factor and dread for me...
My therapist would say that I need to accept what I can do and cant do, and be proud of myself for doing so well at what I am able to do right now. I sort of believe that. But I just cant let go of the feeling that if I drop SEM just because "I dont want to do it!", I'm somehow not as smart, not as good of a person, not as... something. The truth is, I can do it, if I make myself. I'm trying to make excuses for why I dont want to, but I'm an adult now (I'm 23), and adults have to do things they dont like. Right? I'm good at talking myself into things.. oh my depression, oh I'm busy, oh I wont use it... but isnt the bottom line that I'm just being lazy? Or should I really drop it?
I'm not sure that made sense. I guess I'm more thinking out loud rather than typing coherently. I apologize.
poster:wishingstar
thread:677944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/studs/20060709/msgs/677944.html