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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PanicFreak on February 8, 2003, at 12:14:52
Well, I don't know what the next 24 hours will be like, but I have a bad feeling.
Let me introduce myself. I am a 36 year old male from California, USA, who has been suffering Panic Attack Disorder for 19-20 of those years. I was just sure it was insanity, so I drank booze and was able to "function" a bit. It didn't take long for the booze to destroy my body, and leave me bleeding out of every hole in my body. After doing the "kick booze" thing, this damn panic thing came up out of the dark past. I tried to ignore it... but it drove me to the point of breakdown and staying locked inside my home for months on end. That was the first time I saw a doctor about it. He refered me to the Pdoc and I knew the jig was up. I was crazy and now I was caught. I decided to let it all go and let the chips fall where they would. So, this Pdoc says I have Panic Attack Disorder with Agoraphobia and starts me on Xanax and Serzone. The dose of Xanax got up to 8mg a day before the panic was gone... but the Serzone did nothing but give me some bad side-effects. The same set of effects (more or less) that the SSRIs gave me in the following year or two. After going through all these SSRI medications, the Pdoc decided that was it. He just told me he couldn't help, go find someone else and that was it. That was my first experience with what I found out later was benzo withdrawal. For several weeks I was a mess. Totally house-bound and screaming for ambulances. The dizziness was so intense that I knew I was dieing. Anxiety became a 24 hour thing. I finally got out of the mess by buying a trunk full of booze and sat in my house. I got through it and wasn't too bad off with the booze... until one night I discovered the DTs. That was worse than the benzos WD. Just a complete mess. They told me to seek help and I stopped the booze and sought out another Pdoc. Again, it was a benzo (clonazepam) and the SSRI "merry-go-round" I had done before. He told me it would be safer with clonazepam vs. xanax... and it seemed to work. He scribed up to 3mg a day, but I got by with 1-2mg a day. After we began to run out of the SSRIs to try, and he started talking about some "older AD's" I decided that I had it figured out! All I needed was the clonazepam and I was free of the panic and agoraphobia. This was the case over the last 8 years of my life. The dose did get to 3mg a day, and I was going to Mexico to get as many as I could. Then 9-11 happened and I wasn't going back to Mexico or anywhere. I had I large supply, so I didn't worry about it. I thought I could find a Pdoc and work on the PAD before I ran out. Well...
Here I am with ONE MILLIGRAM left. I was trying to cut back, but the rebound of panic and outright insanity was bad. It came to a head yesterday, when I decided to skip the noon dose and go one in the AM one in the PM. I went to sleep at 1 pm and woke around 4 pm. I was in mortal fear. I knew I was going to die, but I was not sure I could wait. I was in total insanity. I could not tell if I was awake or real. I was crying and screaming. My "safe person" who has grown VERY tired of my situation was "going out" and I knew I couldn't make it. I made this person take the pistol out of the house and took 1mg of Clonazepam. I had never really felt suicidal... but in that instant, I didn't know what I would do... or if I would have control.After, 30-45 minutes, I was MUCH better and decided that I was in BIG trouble. Today is the day. It's a Saturday of course, so I suppose I will need to go to an emergency room at the local hospital. I don't know what else to do. I can't even THINK of going through another episode like that. I am so scared, so scared. I don't want to die, or end up in a mental hospital.
So, that's me today. Getting ready to step off the end of the earth. What a mess. So, how are you doing?
PanicFreak
Posted by mikhail99 on February 8, 2003, at 21:44:19
In reply to Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 8, 2003, at 12:14:52
PF, get thee to the hospital ASAP!! I don't mean to sound as if I'm making light of your situation but you sound like you are in a very scary place and it doesn't need to be that way. You don't have to do this alone. PLEASE go get some help and let us know how you're doing. I'll be worried until I hear from you.
Take care,
Mik
Posted by bozeman on February 8, 2003, at 21:53:53
In reply to Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 8, 2003, at 12:14:52
Wow. I am really unsure of what to say that would help you. I suspect you are right, that you may need medical intervention before the weekend is over. Assuming you haven't already had to, seeing the time of your previous post.
There are many here who have taken the same meds as you, and some of them can verify that the withdrawal is real and terrifying. Please go to the emergency room if you can't make it through the weekend. I don't know if in your area you could see a pdoc on Monday (which is the latest you should wait) unless you go to the hospital in the meanwhile.
Hang in there best you can . . . and keep us posted, OK? Best of luck to you --
bozeman
Posted by kimm on February 8, 2003, at 22:05:10
In reply to Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 8, 2003, at 12:14:52
it's 11pm as i write this. i pray you found a way to a hospital. you shouldn't be by yourself. there is a new day around the corner, don't give up hope.
Posted by shar on February 9, 2003, at 1:56:56
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!! » PanicFreak, posted by kimm on February 8, 2003, at 22:05:10
PF,
don't know if you'll see this, I hope you are in a safe place, getting help. A hospital sounds ideal because it should be pretty safe and they should help with the clonazepam situation. So, you won't have to worry about serious withdrawal.So, if you DO see this and you're not in a hospital or other safe place, please make haste to one right now. It could be that you won't need much medical attention, but you probably need some level of it, and shouldn't wait.
When you can, please post again. You are not alone on this board when it comes to these issues; we're just one, big, ... family.
Take care,
Shar
Posted by PanicFreak on February 9, 2003, at 13:25:35
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by shar on February 9, 2003, at 1:56:56
Well, I just sat here at the computer, yesterday. Just sat here. A bit sweaty, BP a bit high, but I'm still OK. I've decided to hold out until I know I won't make it. I have someone here that can call if there is a problem. I've just been to that ER sooo many times in all these years of PAD, that I feel like I couldn't face them. Also, I scared to death of going outside ;-) So, for now, I'm going to sit on my hands and see. I know Clonazepam is "long half-life" but I've always been a "fast metabolizer" too. Not sure if it's going to get MUCH MUCH worse... or just a little. I'll probably jump out the door and have my "person" drive me to the ER, if it gets real bad. I just wish I had bought "Doctor" Gavalan's "Librium". He said it would help if I stopped. Oh well. 24 hours down, ??? to go.
Posted by kimm on February 9, 2003, at 22:41:57
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 9, 2003, at 13:25:35
hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
Posted by PanicFreak on February 10, 2003, at 14:09:51
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!! » PanicFreak, posted by kimm on February 9, 2003, at 22:41:57
> hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
-----------
Not good at all. Alive, and barely able to keep my hands on reality now. Not sure if anything is real anymore. Visual halucinations started, yesterday i think. I just keep telling myself what is happening to me. I feel as if I let go... I would be gone forever. Horrible. Still alive, I think.
Posted by kimm on February 10, 2003, at 19:42:48
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 10, 2003, at 14:09:51
> > hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
>
> -----------
>
> Not good at all. Alive, and barely able to keep my hands on reality now. Not sure if anything is real anymore. Visual halucinations started, yesterday i think. I just keep telling myself what is happening to me. I feel as if I let go... I would be gone forever. Horrible. Still alive, I think.
Hey, were you able to get a hold of a dr? hope your not home alone. the hospital is still there, no matter how many times you've been there before.
if the night gets worse i hope you seek thier help. i know you said you've been there several times before and don't want to face them, but they are there to help YOU. don't let those feelings get in the way. have you been able to sleep? eat? i have never had halucinations before. some other funky things but not that. i almost let go several years ago. it was hard to get back. that i understand. anyway, hope you make it through with help. let me know. my prayers are with you. kimm
Posted by PanicFreak on February 11, 2003, at 11:20:28
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by kimm on February 10, 2003, at 19:42:48
> > > hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
> >
> > -----------
> >
> > Not good at all. Alive, and barely able to keep my hands on reality now. Not sure if anything is real anymore. Visual halucinations started, yesterday i think. I just keep telling myself what is happening to me. I feel as if I let go... I would be gone forever. Horrible. Still alive, I think.
>
>
> Hey, were you able to get a hold of a dr? hope your not home alone. the hospital is still there, no matter how many times you've been there before.
> if the night gets worse i hope you seek thier help. i know you said you've been there several times before and don't want to face them, but they are there to help YOU. don't let those feelings get in the way. have you been able to sleep? eat? i have never had halucinations before. some other funky things but not that. i almost let go several years ago. it was hard to get back. that i understand. anyway, hope you make it through with help. let me know. my prayers are with you. kimm
>==========
I'll need them. This relative I am staying with seems like she has wheeled 180 degrees on me. She says there is no withdrawal, that I'm dreaming. She is tring to make me insane!! I can't remember anything now, but being here. I'm sweating horribly and try to avoid seeing her. Maybe she is just a hallucination... I am lost. I need to figure out how to call someone, but who? I don't know what to do!! I'm so scared.
Posted by kimm on February 11, 2003, at 12:56:45
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 11, 2003, at 11:20:28
> > > > hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
> > >
> > > -----------
> > >
> > > Not good at all. Alive, and barely able to keep my hands on reality now. Not sure if anything is real anymore. Visual halucinations started, yesterday i think. I just keep telling myself what is happening to me. I feel as if I let go... I would be gone forever. Horrible. Still alive, I think.
> >
> >
> > Hey, were you able to get a hold of a dr? hope your not home alone. the hospital is still there, no matter how many times you've been there before.
> > if the night gets worse i hope you seek thier help. i know you said you've been there several times before and don't want to face them, but they are there to help YOU. don't let those feelings get in the way. have you been able to sleep? eat? i have never had halucinations before. some other funky things but not that. i almost let go several years ago. it was hard to get back. that i understand. anyway, hope you make it through with help. let me know. my prayers are with you. kimm
> >
>
>
>
> ==========
>
> I'll need them. This relative I am staying with seems like she has wheeled 180 degrees on me. She says there is no withdrawal, that I'm dreaming. She is tring to make me insane!! I can't remember anything now, but being here. I'm sweating horribly and try to avoid seeing her. Maybe she is just a hallucination... I am lost. I need to figure out how to call someone, but who? I don't know what to do!! I'm so scared.
>
hi, your relative for one doesn't have the right to tell you what is wrong with you. she obviously doesn't know what to do. i'm in ny and don't know where in ca you are. if you look up www.dmh.cahwnet.gov/faq/hotline.asp
you should get a 24 hour crisis hotline list in the state of ca. maybe there is an office nearby. even if there isn't, you could call and get advice on what would be the best thing for you to do or go. it sounds to me like you are going through terrible withdrawals. hate to hear that you are suffering. give it a try??? kimm
Posted by kimm on February 12, 2003, at 17:23:21
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!! » PanicFreak, posted by kimm on February 11, 2003, at 12:56:45
> > > > > hey, glad to here so far so good.(good may not be the best way to describe it:) hang in there.
> > > >
> > > > -----------
> > > >
> > > > Not good at all. Alive, and barely able to keep my hands on reality now. Not sure if anything is real anymore. Visual halucinations started, yesterday i think. I just keep telling myself what is happening to me. I feel as if I let go... I would be gone forever. Horrible. Still alive, I think.
> > >
> > >
> > > Hey, were you able to get a hold of a dr? hope your not home alone. the hospital is still there, no matter how many times you've been there before.
> > > if the night gets worse i hope you seek thier help. i know you said you've been there several times before and don't want to face them, but they are there to help YOU. don't let those feelings get in the way. have you been able to sleep? eat? i have never had halucinations before. some other funky things but not that. i almost let go several years ago. it was hard to get back. that i understand. anyway, hope you make it through with help. let me know. my prayers are with you. kimm
> > >
> >
> >
> >
> > ==========
> >
> > I'll need them. This relative I am staying with seems like she has wheeled 180 degrees on me. She says there is no withdrawal, that I'm dreaming. She is tring to make me insane!! I can't remember anything now, but being here. I'm sweating horribly and try to avoid seeing her. Maybe she is just a hallucination... I am lost. I need to figure out how to call someone, but who? I don't know what to do!! I'm so scared.
> >
> hi, your relative for one doesn't have the right to tell you what is wrong with you. she obviously doesn't know what to do. i'm in ny and don't know where in ca you are. if you look up www.dmh.cahwnet.gov/faq/hotline.asp
> you should get a 24 hour crisis hotline list in the state of ca. maybe there is an office nearby. even if there isn't, you could call and get advice on what would be the best thing for you to do or go. it sounds to me like you are going through terrible withdrawals. hate to hear that you are suffering. give it a try??? kimm
>
>
hi, haven't heard from you. hope your in a safe place. kimm
Posted by PanicFreak on February 13, 2003, at 22:05:05
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by kimm on February 12, 2003, at 17:23:21
>
> hi, haven't heard from you. hope your in a safe place. kimm
>
>I guess today was the breaking point. I remember trying to stop a panic attack that wouldn't stop, then I was in an ambulance. I had my book and was able to tell them what I thought was happening. But my perception of time is lost. I thought it had been a month or more, but the numbers say 4 days. I got some NaCl (salt) water IV and they hit me with some Ativan a couple of times in the IV. It brought me around to being able to answer some questions, then I was told to leave. So, I got back "home" now, feeling almost as bad as before, but with an appointment to see a Pdoc in a town 15 miles up the road. Not sure how I can get there, but I guess the doctors thought I could/should. This is *the* worst thing that has ever happened to me. Be careful out there.
Posted by proud mary on February 17, 2003, at 9:52:36
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by PanicFreak on February 13, 2003, at 22:05:05
Panic,
I read and read about everyone having terrible withdrawals or reactions to drugs and remember back to MY days of total panic and being so anxiety-ridden and freaked out that I didn't like to be left alone with my three young children for fear I would hurt them.
Many people have definately dropped the ball for you and I hope by now (2/17/03) you have gotten some REAL help. It sounds to me like you might need to spend a week or two in the psych ward to so that you are constantly watched and they can tinker with some med therapy to try to get you functional again. Is this a possiblity? You would also get alot of therapy there, too, and hopefully can get 'grounded' again.
Please do not give up...there IS someone or some facility out there who can help you. Call every number in the book, call every crisis hotline, tell every person who will listen to you. I wish we were closer so that I could take you by the hand and help you out. I have BEEN there and KNOW how hopeless it feels. If anyone would have told me that I would EVER feel normal again (at the time of my crisis/living in crisis) I would have been hard-pressed to believe them, but I DO feel normal (most of the time) and now I know enough to know exactly what is going on with me and it's not quite so scary when things are a bit skewered.
Let us know how you are, even if you can only manage a line or two...
Mary
Posted by PanicFreak on February 17, 2003, at 11:48:46
In reply to Re: Hello, just dropped in to say HELP!!!!, posted by proud mary on February 17, 2003, at 9:52:36
Oh, I'm not doing well at all. I try to drink water and take a vitamin and eat something... but my mind has completely colapsed. I am so confused that it literally scares the %$## out of me. I am going insane, I can feel it. I will never be like I was, but just SOME RELIEF of this is all I pray for. Seems that the doctors can't help me (for some reason) and I just have to sit and wait until I die or loose all control... i don't know. I'm scared
This is the end of the thread.
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