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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 15:14:38
Sometimes i feel so lost and scared and i'm so filled with dread. I sit on my bed and sob, holding my knees in sort of a sitting up fetal position, and i just rock. and cry. I did it today after my psych appointment. Everything has just gotten worse since I started seeing a doc back in july. logic tells me to stop doing things that make me feel this bad and hopeless. that means I should stop going to therapy and thinking about all these things that break me down. I want to bury these thoughts back where they lived for so long in the back of my mind. I forgot these things on purpose, and it doesn't appear to be doing me any good to bring them back up.
I have never shed a tear in my pdoc appointments until today when there were just a couple. I don't think he noticed, which is good. It's so hard for me to explain to him how bottomed-out I feel sometimes. So i left his office today and I sobbed in my car until I could see enough to drive. I couldn't even go back to work so i went home and sobbed, rocking, then i sat in the tub letting the water run over me. As usual the feeling passed in about 20 minutes, and I've felt pretty optimistic ever since. But I do this all the time... I'll be so consumed by despair that i can't function and I can't imagine performing daily activities and doing things i love (running, lifting, etc). i pull my eyelashes out. i almost break up with my boyfriend. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and this year i just want to be alone. I'll tell my parents that i'm going to Bfriend's house, and I'll tell B'friend i'm going to my parent's place. I want to be alone. but i want help. i want out. i contemplate calling my pdoc even on the weekends so he can hear me and understand that I don't just "cry often." I feel like calling someone because i need to reach out to someone and not be alone, but there isn't anyone. i don't want anyone to know. i feel crazy. this is all so new to me. i don't understand who i am. what happened to me? what's going to happen to my life? Are these fits emotional breakdowns? what do i do?
Posted by karen_kay on November 7, 2003, at 16:06:03
In reply to what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 15:14:38
I sometimes feel that therapy is making me worse rather than better. Then I think that these are issues that I have to work through so I can truly be better. I really think you should stick with therapy and be honest. Let yourself be honest in therapy and allow yourself to cry. This is something I can't do. Just know that there is someone there and here who is willing to listen to you all the time. I'll listen to you hun!! Karen
Posted by justyourlaugh on November 7, 2003, at 16:50:35
In reply to what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 15:14:38
aloe,,
you are not alone..as far as i can see you are struggling,,wanting help but getting nowhere or even backwards..
does your therapist practice emdr with you?
mabe you need to spend alittle more time with the "closer aspects" of past memories..
i think crying in the tub is perfectly fine..
i just got out infact..then cried on the phone to my hubby...
you can still show up to mothers cant you? maybe dont tell them you "might" come so you dont have that social pressure hanging over you..
you can be anyone you want to be when you are there..and leave when you had enough,,even ifs its just for an hour..it might help..i like to breeze into social situations,,crack a few funnies..then exit on a high note..
ahh who am i kidding..i feel so out of place i get hammered and tell them all off...loli think its wonderful you can put your feelings into words..embrace your emotions..live them for a wee time and let them out to pasture..
you are important
as are every feeling you have ,,even if you cant justify them...
have another bath..read something just for women,,or some good old porn...
have a tea and call it a day..
be good to aloe
j
Posted by DaisyM on November 7, 2003, at 17:32:45
In reply to what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 15:14:38
I felt like you describe many times, especially right after therapy. It was (is) very frustrating to not be able to have all of these intense feelings in the moment when help is right there -- but I find that this is not usual. Many people here helped me with that, so you are writing in the right place.
Try writing down what you are thinking and feeling after and taking it with you to the next session. I know the "I want out" feeling -- fight back, and keep fighting. Being alone seems the right thing but really, I find I do much better when I Make myself be with other people. I don't hear my own thoughts so loudly.
I am a reader, and I have spent months looking for myself in every book. I finally found it -- there is a short paperback called "Undercurrents" which is a journal about depression. I felt better knowing I wasn't the only one...and she got better. So hope.
-D
Posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 17:38:08
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by justyourlaugh on November 7, 2003, at 16:50:35
thank you for being sweet. I don't know who to turn to anymore because I've cried on Bfriend's shoulder too much. I must look like such a mental case. Our 10 month relationship turned solemn/somber so early because of memories that came rushing back unannounced. Consequently (and combined with his med school rotations and me trying to buy my first home/condo), we don't have the carefree, happy-go-lucky, stress-free relationship that he and a past girlfriend of three years had. Of course I feel like he pines for this girl and that atmosphere, and who wouldn't, but maybe this somberness is just temporary. I have such a hard time figuring out if things I see are real (maybe he doesn't pine for her, etc). I'm so much deeper into this relationship than he is. He doesn't want this baggage, he's got enough to worry about without some girl being needy. I'm so sorry to ramble. I know he's just a bfriend,it's petty, but the point is that my alien brain is ruining things. If it wasn't this petty situation it would be something else. What is real? Who is controlling this alien brain of mine?
I wonder if I might be better off with a different pdoc (and a different drug cocktail; started july of this year). He has never said "Those feelings are normal." or "That must have been hard." or "are you ok?" Every time I walk in it's "What would you like to talk about today?" Talk about being on the spot. I let all these memories and feelings bubble back up and now I can't do anything with them. i'm stuck in limbo.
I feel fine now but I never know when I'm going to break. I'm scared. And tired of being someone else.
Again, sorry to ramble. It's been a tough day and it's really been wonderful to reach out to you all. Thank you so much for your responses. Thank you so much for just being there. Please know that you've really helped someone today. I hope I can offer the same to someone else in the future.
trying to hold the pieces together-
aloe
Posted by Jai on November 7, 2003, at 18:58:59
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 17:38:08
Are you and your therapist using EMDR for the memories that are rushing back? I have used this therapy for just such memories and had great success. Before the therapy my life just didn't seem like my own. I spent a year doing EMDR and now I am so much more comfortable within myself. I know it's hard to resist but try not to compare yourself to anyone else. Just remember you are unique and special.
Can you ask for what you want from your therapist? Ask him for verbal support?
Posted by aloe on November 8, 2003, at 17:41:36
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by Jai on November 7, 2003, at 18:58:59
I actually have not tried EMDR. I just started talking to this psychiatrist in July. My insurance required I be evaluated by a psychiatrist who then had to refer me to a counselor, etc. He was the only one on my insurance list who could fit me into their schedule for the next two months. Obviously I went because who wants to wait over two months when they feel like their world is falling apart, but he never referred me to anyone else. I just see him every week. Now that I'm getting the hang of things I realize that I don't feel like I can open up to him. I don't think he understands what happens when i'm not in his office. A girl that I work with recommended a therapist that she does EMDR with. I'm planning on giving that a try in January when I have a new insurance plan. I'm not too familiar with EMDR, though, so it's nice to hear from someone who has had a positive experience. Thanks! :)
I also picked up the book Undercurrents (thanks Daisy) while i was out today. I never thought of my mental outlook/condition/whatever as abnormal. It's strange to start thinking that it has a name, depression, and that maybe things could change. Right now I just don't believe.
Keeping track of thoughts is another great idea. I've been writing things down, really just for myself. I couldn't imagine handing them to my doc to read, though. He doesn't need to read my five pages of whining; he's seen it all before. At least that's the way I look at it, but maybe I'll take some with me next time. I also did something great last night. I was home alone and it was so wonderful and my mind started wandering and I found myself feeling good. I was sort of giving myself a little mental pep talk and I was starting to feel great. So I wrote down all those positive things, too. I had previously only written down sad stuff. This time i thought it might be nice to have something positive that I could pick up and read over and over when I was feeling down. And you know what, all day today I kept mentally referring back to what I'd written and I've felt so good all day. Quite an improvement over yesterday when I was wishing someone knew I was in therapy so I could call them while i broke down. I still have such ups and downs, though. Time. It just takes time I guess.
Much thanks to all of you... justyourlaugh, jai, daisy, karen. :) I no longer think I need to be committed. ;)
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 9:55:48
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 8, 2003, at 17:41:36
Of course you don't need to be committed.
The beginning is such a confusing time. When you don't know how to put your feelings into words. When you think you aren't supposed to put your feelings into words - that you don't want to burden anyone (bfriend or doctor) with you "pettiness". When you don't feel that it is acceptable to feel the way you do (feelings are always correct - you can't choose your feelings, but you can choose how you act on them). When you don't know what will happen (these things tend to be cyclical - once you've been through a cycle or two you will have more confidence that things will get better).
I think that your original post was outstanding. I would recommend that you print your original post and hand it to him. Then he will know. If you could READ it to him, that might even be better, because then he can see the feelings that go along with the words.
Talk to him about how you expected to be referred to a therapist and ask him what he thinks. This can be said in a way that doesn't say that you don't like him. "I'm a little confused. I was expecting that you would prescribe meds for me and then refer me to a therapist, but we seem to be doing therapy here. I'm just curious, why did you make that choice?". There are so many possible reasons that I wouldn't want to speculate on what his particular reason was.
It does take time (and courage) to open up. Push yourself just a little bit past your comfort zone - this way you can be more open faster without panicking about it.
Post often. Most of us have been exactly where you are now.
Posted by aloe on November 10, 2003, at 14:36:58
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown? » aloe, posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 9:55:48
>Talk to him about how you expected to be referred to a therapist and ask him what he thinks. This can be said in a way that doesn't say that you don't like him. "I'm a little >confused. I was expecting that you would prescribe meds for me and then refer me to a therapist, but we seem to be doing therapy here. I'm just curious, why did you make that >choice?".'
That is an excellent suggestion of a polite way to ask him. I also wonder if it might be better for me to have longer sessions (currently 45 mins) maybe less frequently. It takes us so long to get down to the root of the problem, and as soon as we do it's time to go and I'm left sort of hanging in mid-air for a week until my next appointment. What's interesting, though, is that I usually come to a positive conclusion/resolution within that week. Maybe this is how it's supposed to work.
One of the reasons it takes us a while to get to the heart of the problem is because he does this thing where he closes his eyes while I'm talking. It's really kinda funny. That's probably just his way of concentrating and listening, but I'm sort of conditioned to take that as a sign that someone is falling asleep. So I stop talking. His eyes pop open and he asks me a little question and I never end up finishing my original thought. It's frustrating. There he is telling me what I need to do in response to what I said, and I try to explain, "I know that, I was just about to say that's exactly what i did." Or I'll try to describe how i feel and I throw some words out, then I'll say "No, that's not really what I mean. I think blah blah blah is more accurate," but then he'll go with my first explanation, which wasn't accurate. I feel like asking him if he even heard a damn word I was saying. In my head I'm saying "I've only got 45 minutes and I've got issues, mister, don't waste my time telling me things I already know!" Sometimes I just go on and on about feelings and things that I think and blah blah blah. At the end he'll say, "I'm not really sure what the question is." I say, "Me either." There wasn't a question. I was just getting things out. So confusing. Therefore I usually leave feeling frustrated, like nothing has been resolved, and like my thoughts and emotions have been stirred up uselessly. It's hard to settle them back down. I waited a week and I want help and I don't feel helped.
Anyway, thanks also for letting me know I don't need to be committed. On Friday I was actually looking forward to being committed so that I wouldn't have to fit my therapy into a structured 45 minutes once a week. And I wouldn't have to leave the Dr's office all weepy with the other patients staring at me. And I wouldn't get dumped out after 45 minutes and while in the midst of sobbing; I could just curl up in my bed right there. I don't mean to trivialize conditions which require long-term hospitalization. These are just thoughts that go through a naive person's head when she doesn't really know what to do.
sorry for all the long posts.
Posted by fallsfall on November 10, 2003, at 21:06:41
In reply to Re: what exactly defines an emotional breakdown?, posted by aloe on November 10, 2003, at 14:36:58
"What's interesting, though, is that I usually come to a positive conclusion/resolution within that week. Maybe this is how it's supposed to work."
That is how it tends to work for me...
You should talk to him about closing his eyes. The two of you should be able to come to some agreement (either he'll stop closing them, or you will feel confident that he's not going to sleep).
"I waited a week and I want help and I don't feel helped."
Help doesn't always feel like help. I would love to have my therapist make decisions for me and give me suggestions etc. - I tend to be pretty dependent. But if he did those things it really wouldn't be good for me. What he does is more helpful to me than what I want him to do.
"And I wouldn't have to leave the Dr's office all weepy with the other patients staring at me"
I stopped caring what the other patients thought. Sometimes, though, I will walk out of the office and stand facing the wall or a corner for a minute or two or more. I just don't want to be openly sobbing with tears running down my cheeks. Puffy eyes and a red face are quite OK. You might be able to get him to leave a couple of minutes at the end for you to calm down before you have to leave. It would be worth asking. You could ask for longer sessions, but what I have read indicates that he would be unlikely to agree (partly because you do need to process a certain amount, and if the session is too long there will be too much to process).
Hospitalization can be nice because they do take care of you. Unfortunately, I would get really used to that (and that wouldn't be helpful).
I'm glad you make long posts.
This is the end of the thread.
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