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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 17:43:23
I had my regular appointment today and even while driving to the appt I felt such sadness. I knew I was upset over a couple of minor things, but the intensity grew stronger before I saw my T.
I sat in her chair today (oppose to lieing down) and told her I felt so exposed and raw. And I don't know why. She said she could tell it was just under the surface, since I was so close to tears (and crying) and felt so nauseous. But no words could explain the feelings. Then she said,
"I'm at a loss. I want to help you and I don't understand what is going on today." Anyone experience something like that?
Posted by crushedout on January 3, 2005, at 18:07:20
In reply to Ever been sad and not know why?, posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 17:43:23
Yeah, all the time. The old T used to get frustrated with me when I was like that. She'd push me to explain why I was sad. But sometimes I really couldn't.Today, also, the new T wanted to know what caused a depression last week and I couldn't give her a reason.
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 18:29:16
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » annierose, posted by crushedout on January 3, 2005, at 18:07:20
Why does this have to be so hard?
When I was able to give her a piece of puzzle, she missed it completely! It was hard enough getting it out the first time.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 3, 2005, at 18:36:38
In reply to Ever been sad and not know why?, posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 17:43:23
Yes Annie I have a lot and do not know why it is. I think somewhere deep inside maybe the weather or something triggers a reaction to something buried deep down some sad day we long forgot say a hamster died when we were a kid and the sun came in our bedroom window just THE same way....we do not recall that but we respond to it none the less...Folks like me with PTSD get that a lot
> I had my regular appointment today and even while driving to the appt I felt such sadness. I knew I was upset over a couple of minor things, but the intensity grew stronger before I saw my T.
> I sat in her chair today (oppose to lieing down) and told her I felt so exposed and raw. And I don't know why. She said she could tell it was just under the surface, since I was so close to tears (and crying) and felt so nauseous. But no words could explain the feelings. Then she said,
> "I'm at a loss. I want to help you and I don't understand what is going on today." Anyone experience something like that?
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 18:56:36
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » annierose, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 3, 2005, at 18:36:38
Fallen - It's interesting you posted that. As you know, fellow Great Lake State babbler, it was a gloomy, cold wet day. Hmmmm. Need to think.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 3, 2005, at 19:06:33
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why?, posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 18:56:36
> Fallen - It's interesting you posted that. As you know, fellow Great Lake State babbler, it was a gloomy, cold wet day. Hmmmm. Need to think.
Annie I am a fountain of weird knowledge :P AND yes OMG dig the weather today...we drove to Jackson a ways away but closest Olive Garden I know of hahaha and it was soooo icky out all dark and rainy..makes me tired. oddly spring like days bug me the most... I noticed not ALL but my mom went into the hospital FOR MONTHS when I was in my teens in May...I NOW can recall to mega detail how the tree shadows fell onto the road from the way the sun was and all...so much we know and do not know. Even smells everyone does this..they just aren't tuned into it.
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2005, at 19:31:47
In reply to Ever been sad and not know why?, posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 17:43:23
I know that seeing my therapist or hearing his voice is like seeing mommy at the end of a long day at daycare. Any pent up feelings are going to come pouring out, and there may be no immediate reason. Just a lot of stored up energy.
Posted by 10derheart on January 3, 2005, at 20:45:43
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2005, at 19:31:47
Thank you for posting that, Dinah. It's so simple and obvious (to me, at least, being a mom and loving to be around all little ones) but yet it's profound.
It made me feel stunned and sad and I had an *Aha..* moment - all at once. It describes exactly how I feel about my old T. Even his name in my email inbox evokes the same response many times. I'm imagining being able to run headlong into his arms and just crying about everything and nothing while he comforts me. Lovely.
Not sure I've ever quite felt like annierose. I usually do know exactly what's so very sad, yet won't say it. Maybe what happens to annie and others is a combination of what everyone said. Maybe there simply are no adequate words in the world for certain shades of emotion, that's why neither T. nor client can discover them.
My old T. used to say, "Some feelings just *are*"
Posted by Annierose on January 3, 2005, at 21:05:20
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » Dinah, posted by 10derheart on January 3, 2005, at 20:45:43
Thank you for both replies. Yes, Dinah, I do know that feeling. And I did cancel a session last Thursday, so maybe that's a part of it. I do think the piece of the puzzle I was trying to express to her today had to do with my T, herself. Those are the hardest things to talk about. I know she will be so understanding, and I know she won't freak out and will just have the right words, but I just can't talk about her in front of her!! That's why I'm in therapy:)
And 10derheart, yes, I agree, some feelings just "are". I have had those discussions. I recently said, "sometimes you (T) just need to take things at face value." She smiled and said, "that's not what you pay me for." However, today was a real pain inside of me. If I didn't have to go to work immediately afterwards, I would have had a nice long cry.
Posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 0:57:56
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why?/Dinah » 10derheart, posted by Annierose on January 3, 2005, at 21:05:20
Annie,
What would you have liked to say to your therapist that she missed? Were you sad about missing her? Where you sad to feel with her what might be missing or have been missing from others in your life?
When I get sad like this, I find that it is as Dinah said, a surfacing of held emotions. Especially on Mondays. It seems counter-intuitive, because you would think things would just spill out after being contained for so long. But I find it so hard to get started, like I need to poke around and be sure he is still the same, still willing to listen, and I know I'm checking the "mood in the room." (Old habit)
I went into therapy because of these haunting bad feelings. My therapist used to tell me just to sit and listen to them. But that is so very hard, especially when I dissociate so badly. One of the things I did figure out is that the sadness is often about no one in my life noticing I'm hurting. I felt invisible, like I didn't matter, except for the tasks I perform. And that made me sad. When my therapist said, "you matter to me" the tears poured out, so we knew we had hit the nail on the head.
Posted by annierose on January 4, 2005, at 17:40:45
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » Annierose, posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 0:57:56
Dasiy, Dinah, Fallen and others -
Today was interesting. I was keeping in mind what everyone said here on babble. And I was trying so hard to figure out this sadness (still here). Then she asked me "Who do you matter to?" Not exactly the same as Daisy's T telling her that she matters, but when she asked that question, I kind of sat straight up in my chair.
Then she brought up the letter I wrote to her with her holiday gift (the necklace which she was wearing today, BTW). She said that the letter was so lovely, and expressed all these feelings that don't easily come out in session. After reading about everyone writing here on babble, I did say, "Isn't that so with most people?" We talked a little about the letter, and I'm glad. I did want her reaction. I guess I need to know that I did matter to her. She genuinely seems surprised at my sudden "stuckness" (to use a real sophisticated psychological term).
OH! I was particularly quiet at the beginning of this session, couldn't get back to yesterday's conversation. She asked, "what are you thinking about?" And I snapped, "I hate that question." She was taken aback and said, "Don't you think I want to know and care?" I replied, "it's rote", so for the remainder of the session she did not use that phrase. That babble thread came popped right into my head.
I find it extremely difficult to discuss any feelings I have about her, not that they are sexual. Is that hard for most of you too?I have enjoyed sitting up these past 2 sessions. I got to reconnect with her a little bit, see her facial expressions, see her smile and laugh at my silly jokes, etc. I remember now how important that is to me (her reaction) and that feels good.
She said that lieing on the couch should feel more like my writing in a journal, more free flowing. I don't think that is true for me. But I don't mind lieing down either. It is more relaxing on one level, but I'm more self-conscious on another.
Posted by Daisym on January 4, 2005, at 19:15:50
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » Annierose, posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 0:57:56
I think everyone struggles with telling their therapist how they feel about them, and therapy because it can be misinterpreted. And it seems that some (many?) therapists do not consider the relationship the curative factor, so they don't want/need to hear about those feelings. I think unless your therapist opens the door to hear about them, many people keep them unsaid.
I still struggle with these strong feelings, the fear they engender and the shame too. It might be easier to handle if they WERE sexual, at least they would be grown up! BUT, I made a commitment to myself that if I was going to go through this, I was going to tell as much of the truth as I could force myself to tell. So if I miss him, I tell him. He makes it easy to talk about though.
I'm glad you could bridge some of this with her. And I think it is sweet that she was wearing your gift and wanted to talk about your letter. Don't be surprised if she refers back to it. My therapist does this all the time. He put the box I gave him in his office and has referred to it several times, especially about it holding the hope. (Hope was all that was left when Pandora opened her box.)
I can't imagine not seeing his reaction. I need to have that small nod of the head when I'm telling something hard, or to see that it is OK by his expression. You are doing more traditional analysis, right? Lying down and going everyday? Did you tell her you were thinking about Babble threads today?
Posted by annierose on January 4, 2005, at 20:43:05
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why?, posted by Daisym on January 4, 2005, at 19:15:50
Dasiym-
I see a psychodynamic T and I usually only see her 2x a week. Since November, I've been going 3X (due to a court case I was involved in + the holidays), but she is "traditional" I guess in some ways. Yes, she would consider our relationship a curative factor in the therapy, so she would love for me to disclose these feelings.
She brings herself into the therapy lots of times with questions like, "So do you ever feel that way with me?" or "Do you wonder what I am thinking about you when you say xyz?" ... But lately, she has stopped asking those questions.
I liked it when she asks those direct questions because it's easier to talk about then me bringing the topic around to "her". That's why I was happy that she brought up my note today, gave me a venue to explore.I do lie down (most of the time), but I felt a need to connect with her eye to eye this week.
And no, I have never mentioned babble to her.I agree that it is best to be 100% forthcoming to make my therapy experience authentic. And I do try. She will ask, "what is the worse thing that can happen?". I don't want to find out!! I'll melt? Shame is a word I have used to describe my uncomfortableness ... as well as heighten self-consciousness. Sure is an interesting ride. Thank you so much for your input. It has been very helpful. -Annierose
Posted by Dinah on January 4, 2005, at 21:21:27
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » Daisym, posted by annierose on January 4, 2005, at 20:43:05
That was really good of her, to mention the gift and the letter. She sounds intuitive and sensitive.
I always close my eyes in therapy, but I think I'd hate lying down. I like to be able to fully sense how he is reacting. Like today when I asked if he would freak out about something, I heard his almost imperceptible intake of breath and felt him brace himself.
Babble is a great aide to therapy I find. It's also an easy way to bring up difficult topics - especially if they know about Babble. A lot of times I can say there was a thread about xxxx, what do you think about it? Most times it has nothing to do with me, but he always answers as if it might. :)
Posted by annierose on January 4, 2005, at 21:52:10
In reply to Re: Ever been sad and not know why? » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 4, 2005, at 21:21:27
I have read the previous thread re: babble in therapy with interest. I just don't want her here reading my stuff, she could pick me out within 10 minutes. I'll mull that one over.
Yes, she is sensitive. I like her. Isn't it amazing how much time we think about this stuff?
This is the end of the thread.
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