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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
I called my T and finally admitted to her that I was sexually abused as a child. Something someone said triggered it and it was like I couldn't push the memories back into the dark place they hide within me.
I left my T a message saying that I let demons loose, that I opened that box of pain that she keeps in her office. She called back and didn't seem at all surprised about what I told her.
*I was convinced you were physically abused, I suspected sexual abuse. It makes so much sense about why you are so afraid to let anybody get close to you, why you hide your emotions.*
Until I see her tomorrow, I'm writing down all the memories and this is really making me want to call her and deny the whole thing.
That I made up this story for attention (though that's hardly believable since I have denied it for the two and a half years I've been with my T.)
I wish I had internet access during the daytime, as I could have posted and not called my T. I know that's why I'm in therapy and that finally letting some of this out is positive, but I feel so low and full of self blame.
I'll let her read what I've been writing about what happened to me, if I don't destroy it and cancel the appointment.
I want to rebury this pain and pretend it never happened. T says I can't do that, that it came out for a reason, but I don't want to explore that reason or think about this anymore. I want it to just go away so I can live happily ever after.
Send me back into a time machine and let me start my childhood over. With a different family.
Poet
Posted by pinkeye on February 28, 2005, at 19:23:28
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
I am very sorry for what you are going through. It is one of the worst things that could happen to anybody. You cannot turn back time, but maybe you could make your future a good one? And give your kids the kind of safety and happiness that you couldn't get?
Posted by littleone on February 28, 2005, at 20:24:47
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
Just a few little words, but such a big big step. A big big *risky* step. You did so well to take that step (although in hindsight it may seem like more of a trip/stumble than a step :)
> I want to rebury this pain and pretend it never happened. T says I can't do that, that it came out for a reason, but I don't want to explore that reason or think about this anymore. I want it to just go away so I can live happily ever after.
Your T is probably right about this, but by the same token, it has to be your choice to explore or not. I know that there was a thread of daisy's some time ago where she was debating whether to start opening up on the stories or whether to work around them/bury them/whatever. Maybe you should have a look at that for some issues to consider.
>
> Send me back into a time machine and let me start my childhood over. With a different family.Can I go back with you? I want a new family too.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 20:45:53
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
Posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 20:54:11
In reply to Re: Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by pinkeye on February 28, 2005, at 19:23:28
Hi Pinkeye,
I still want to turn back time, but know it's impossible. I knew that someday all that I'd buried would surface and wishing won't make it go away.
Thanks for your support.
Poet
Posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 20:56:39
In reply to Re: Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by littleone on February 28, 2005, at 20:24:47
Hi Littleone,
There's lots of room in my time machine. Let's find a family that is loving and supportive and rich would be okay, too.
I'll check out Daisy's postings. I know she's had a tough time with talking about what happened to her.
It's so hard to talk in therapy, anyway, I hope I will at least read what I wrote.
Poet
Posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 21:00:42
In reply to Re: Sorry - what is CSA??? (nm), posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 20:45:53
CSA is childhood sexual abuse. I should have been clearer, but this issue is real hard to talk about even in writing.
I'm always afraid I'll upset someone. Sorry if I did, glad you asked what I meant as it's time I said it out loud, so to speak.
Poet
Posted by pinkeye on February 28, 2005, at 21:12:19
In reply to Re: Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trig » pinkeye, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 20:54:11
> Hi Pinkeye,
>
> I still want to turn back time, but know it's impossible. I knew that someday all that I'd buried would surface and wishing won't make it go away.
>
> Thanks for your support.
>
> PoetAgain, I am very sorry for what you are going through. It must be really really painful. Seek adequate support and rely on your therapist. She seems good from what you have written and hopefull you will be able to reach a day when you would have made your peace with things. It is possible. Hang on till then.
Good luck.
Posted by Shortelise on February 28, 2005, at 21:16:23
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
metaphorical hugs, that is.
Poet, I have this crazy idea that I am creating that family around me and within myself. It can't change the past but it can change the present.
ShortE
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 22:06:56
In reply to Re: Sorry - what is CSA??? » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 21:00:42
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 22:24:33
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
If it is starting to come out then I think that means that you are strong enough to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and yukky. But your mind wouldn't let you remember if it was too much..
Hopefully you can take it a bit slow with your t. Go at whatever pace you need. Check you have coping skills in place to help you deal with the pain and memories etc.
I am just talking really...
Mine will come out one day, but not yet...
Posted by daisym on February 28, 2005, at 23:42:28
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
(((Poet)))
I'm really sorry that the demons have come out, but better out than in. What I have learned is that those memories force their way up, haunt us for awhile and then we find a way to share the pain with so it isn't so huge and overwhelming. Sometimes I do this hour by hour. And telling isn't wrong nor does it mean you have to talk about this to anyone else ever --- unless you want to.
I can totally relate to wanting to take it all back. I go through this often. Last week I told my therapist something really awful and then I said "maybe I saw something on TV...or walked in on my parents...or..." I just didn't want it to be true. He shook his head sadly and said he wished it hadn't happened too...but given the depth of my anguish and everything else he knows, he believes it. He is sure my memories are real.
In retrospect, I was giving him an out. I would have been devastated if he had taken it. We need someone to hear these things and believe us. They can't undo what happened, but they can help all the stuck feelings come out and we can process it and move forward.
I'm not good at this. I struggle everyday. This weekend I didn't want to keep going. I'm so tired of struggling. But I know I HAVE to...the only way out is through. I hope my journey doesn't scare you. You've got a great therapist who has been with you in all of this. Cling to her. It helps.
I'm here to listen and help, when and if you need me. Please try to keep going with what you started. The anxiety now will be holding the stories. Telling eases the anxiety. You are not alone with it anymore.
(((Poet)))
Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 2:07:35
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2005, at 6:53:08
In reply to Hugs » Poet, posted by Shortelise on February 28, 2005, at 21:16:23
>
> Poet, I have this crazy idea that I am creating that family around me and within myself. It can't change the past but it can change the present.What a lovely concept. I think families can be who and what we make ourselves, as well as biological families.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2005, at 6:54:38
In reply to Re: Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by daisym on February 28, 2005, at 23:42:28
Poet,
What a breakthrough. I'm sure you are having all kinds of conflicting feelings about it. Please know that we are here for you in this process, and so is your T.Take care, and hugs if okay.
gg
Posted by TofuEmmy on March 1, 2005, at 9:47:21
In reply to Re: Hugs » Shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2005, at 6:53:08
"I think families can be who and what we make ourselves"
I agree, Sis. :-)
em
Posted by Aphrodite on March 1, 2005, at 13:43:15
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
This is big and it's such a struggle. I am glad you told her. I am glad she already had that insight. That makes me hopeful.
I've tried to take it all back before, too. You can't. It doesn't work. You're just scared and rightfully so.
I am on this road too, so I have no sage words of advice. I just wanted you to know that I feel what you are going through.
It's going to be hard, but your post had this wonderful silver lining, I thought. I felt so hopeful for you when I read that you wanted to start your childhood over with a different family. I just want to give you a standing ovation! You inherently realize that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and you are placing the blame exactly where it needs to reside. That's incredibly hopeful for your ability to heal. I draw strength from it because I have spent years saying that it was all me and that I deserved it.
I say that not to diminish your current pain AT ALL. I know it hurts. I know it's so, so scary. Lean on us -- a lot of us are in this boat with you, and we can help one another.
Hugs, if OK.
Posted by Poet on March 1, 2005, at 21:18:30
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
I'll try to do more personal responses, tomorrow, I hope that won't violate one of Dr. Bob's posting rules.
I couldn't let my T read what I wrote, I read her some of it and she rightfully noticed that it was full of self blame.
I told her (for the countless time) that I am a therapy failure. She told me that she doesn't know what I think therapy is, but someone who had the courage to tell her what little I did was no failure.
I wish I could just blurt it all out or write it down and let her read it, but maybe little by little I can let go of some of this.
We are not to blame for every bad thing that has happened to us. Thank you all for reminding me of that.
My T said to call her if I need to talk and that she'll see me on Saturday if I need another session before next week. She rarely works on Saturday. I didn't cry in her office, I never cry in front of her, but I know she could tell I was about to. I probably am going to call her and see her, but right now I need another glass of wine.
Thank you for the cyber hugs. I do accept them and am grateful for them. Maybe someday I'll allow physical hugs, but that's a long way off.
Poet
Posted by annierose on March 1, 2005, at 22:09:44
In reply to Thank you, everyone, an update, more when I can, posted by Poet on March 1, 2005, at 21:18:30
Poet - Your T sounds so understanding and I'm glad you were able to share parts of your writings with her. Good T's really do care and want to help. I hope you call tomorrow and see her on Saturday. I find appointments close together are very productive. Good job.
Posted by daisym on March 2, 2005, at 1:00:41
In reply to Thank you, everyone, an update, more when I can, posted by Poet on March 1, 2005, at 21:18:30
Poet,
I just want to tell you how brave you were to share with her today. And you don't have to post to me individually, unless there is a question. I know you are probably struggling with lots of stuff right now, so no pressure here.
Go slow. Take lots of deep breaths. It is OK to cry with her. Surprisingly, it actually helps. I was shocked the first time my therapist told me to leave the tears, I was apologizing all over the place for them and desperately trying to wipe them away. He still has to remind me that it is safe to cry with him, but I'm getting better at it.
Truth is, I never knew I had so many tears in me.
Posted by antigua on March 4, 2005, at 14:18:43
In reply to Trying to re-bury what I disclosed T- CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
I'm here with you too. I am so very proud of you, Poet, more than you'll know. It gives me hope. Once you name it, it loses some of its power, at least for me. Go at your own pace and take care of yourself. For some of us denial is such a big part of it because we (still) need the defense mechanism. I still do it w/my T.
Best of luck,
antigua
Posted by shrinking violet on March 8, 2005, at 18:21:15
In reply to Thank you, everyone, an update, more when I can, posted by Poet on March 1, 2005, at 21:18:30
This is the end of the thread.
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