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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
Things have gone from bad to worse. I yelled at my therapist today. I know it isn't the end of the world but it feels like it. My husband suggested we consider the hospital tonight. First time he has ever done that. And still...I didn't call my therapist.
We talked about anger in today's session. I tried to tell him how dangerous it was for me and why. Little daisy wrote him a "memo" about anger and I read it to him. She got out and told stories of what happened when you were in the way of an angry dad. I was in deep and struggling and then I heard him said, "Come slowly back." And I lost it. Told him this was totally unfair, I wasn't finished or ready to leave. He said, "You're mad at me." Yup! I tried to say it was just hard to leave but the younger part of me want to keep raging: "this hurts too much, therapy is too hard, you are sending me away and you expect me to pull it and keep it together and I just can't anymore!" And, of course, I was crying the whole time I said this. He said, "We should have stopped sooner, had more time to wind down. I get it, this is really hard." I sort of stood up and shook myself and tried to recover by saying, "It isn't your fault. These are the rules. I'm going home." He nodded and asked me to call him tomorrow, said we should talk. All I could do was nod and bolt.
The world crashed in. I spent nearly two hours with a very good friend getting through the worst of the suicidal urges. But I was in tears again by the time my husband got home. I'm scaring him and that isn't right.
I hate this. And I don't think therapy can help. It seems to be making things worse. I can't get through everything I've got going on without support. But how can I look for his support if I'm going to lash out at him? So what do I do now?
Posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 1:41:49
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
I think what you do now is look at how you've managed to get through the worst of it, the part right after, that you give yourself credit for that, that you give yourself credit for letting the stories out.
And maybe you give yourself a little slack, too. No doubt you're angry, and no doubt you express it at your T! To begin with, expressing anger at him may be a way of getting to that anger, which really has to be gotten to, and felt, so you can get it to go away.
Daisy, it's all ok, I think. It's part of the whole, this anger, and this lashing out at your T. Anger might feel like a thing that breaks things to you because of your Dad's anger. You can have anger, some anger is good. I would think that little daisy's anger at the world is a thing that needs to see the light of day, needs to be shouted and raged and spent.
There, from my injured mouth to your injured ear.
SHortE
Posted by rs on June 17, 2005, at 6:04:21
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning » daisym, posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 1:41:49
Hi Daisy. Remember me. Yes I read and been following your post. You just sound so much like me. The reason I do not post is that I feel like I am invading folks here. So please do not think that I am like being rude.
Daisy havng DID and having parts that are so attached to T. What you experince has happend just last week in therapy. I was like in a fog and T not sure but told part that she had to go back in because he had to leave to get his daughter. Oh my. I could see part just flipping out. HIt T started biting hand etc. Was not nice. The attachement. The knowing that facing alone. It hurts. T said it was ok and he understood.
Daisy please do not come down on yourself for this. It will be ok. Please call T today. You need it. And IMO no doubt this weekend may be difficult for you as I know it is here for me due to Sunday.
Hang in there and I really hope it was ok to post to you. I just want to let you know that I udnerstand so much what you are going through. Sending warm and caring hugs if ok
Posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 6:04:23
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
Wow, sound like the timing was really bad - to let you go when you didn't have enough time to feel more back to normal. Is it possible for you to have a few longer sessions with your T until you can work through some of the anger? It sounds like it needs to be explored, needs to be expressed, and that he's dealing with it just fine, it's okay to rage at him.Are you going to call him and tell him about the suicidal feelings? It sounds like this is all so overwhelming to you and that you need to talk to him NOW. This is too much for you to try to handle on your own, and I'm sure your husband is very worried about your safety, but I wouldn't worry too much about being "fair" to him. Sounds like he understands that this is an incredibly hard time for you, and he can handle his end of it.
As far as therapy making it worse? I'd guess it's like cleaning a house. When you start to clean it, really deep down clean it, isn't it always torn to pieces and messier before you get it cleaned? With therapy, if you're doing regressive therapy, aren't there going to be huge messes before you get things straightened up? And storms along the way? I think your T can handle it, and work with you to put things in order. If you can hang in there and get through the mess I think you'll feel a lot better. In a year you'll probably look back and wonder how you ever considered stopping. I just wonder if more frequent, and/or longer sessions would be better until you get through all of this.
Just my thoughts,
(((hugs)))
Jazzy
Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2005, at 6:30:54
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by rs on June 17, 2005, at 6:04:21
rs - so glad to see you.
Daisy was saying just last night that she wondered how you were doing. You must have heard her.
I'm sorry things are hard for you, but I'm glad you are working so hard to get through this.
Wanna go for ice cream?
Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2005, at 6:43:24
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
>I hate this. And I don't think therapy can help. It seems to be making things worse. I can't get through everything I've got going on without support. But how can I look for his support if I'm going to lash out at him? So what do I do now?
You need to trust that he can take care of himself. He understands the reasons behind your lashing out. You didn't understand your dad's reasons. That is the difference. You need your therapist's support and he wants to give it to you. Don't deny yourself that support, Daisy. You are worth it. You deserve it. You are honestly hurting a lot. Let him help.
You honestly can call him up and say "I know I yelled at you, but right now I need you to help me stay safe." He WILL understand. And he WILL help.
I know that you feel like you are a monster right now - lashing out at the person who is trying to help you. But if you look past the acting out, you can see the hurt and need that you have. You are vulnerable and trying to protect yourself the best way you can. You needed to protect yourself during your dad's visit. But now he has gone back home. So you can be less hyper-vigilant. But give yourself some time to make the change. These things don't happen instantaneously. AND YOUR THERAPIST UNDERSTANDS THAT THEY DON'T HAPPEN INSTANTANEOUSLY. He isn't mad at you for yelling at him. He sees it as part of what you need to do to get from point A to point B. So let him help you. You need his help. He wants to give his help.
Please stay safe.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 17, 2005, at 6:52:12
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
Little Daisy had every reason to be mad at him -- she doesn't get the rules, the restrictions. Kids need to feel what the feel for as long as necessary. You were probably never allowed to mad as a child and learned that it was an unacceptable emotion. So, when it finally gets released, Little Daisy gets another dose of silencing. No wonder you rebelled inwardly and wanted to hurt yourself. It's the only way to cope. You don't want to take it out on your T and risk losing him.
I hope you can contact him today and tell him how close you came to danger. He can adjust how to handle it, and I agree he should leave ample time for calming and getting your face on for the world. But he has to do so without Little Daisy feeling shut down and alone.
My T and I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet either. Just another struggle with how to deal with "parts" of self.
Please let him know as soon as possible. He will help.
So sorry your struggling with this.
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 7:15:08
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
> I hate this. And I don't think therapy can help. It seems to be making things worse. I can't get through everything I've got going on without support. But how can I look for his support if I'm going to lash out at him?
Of course you can!!!!
Even if you lash out at him.
Daisy, don't you see what a wonderful step forward this is? You got angry with your therapist. The world didn't cave in. He still wants to work with you. Your relationship isn't irreparably damaged. You'll get through it.
You got angry with your therapist. You didn't bottle it up and turn it inward. You didn't deny that you were angry and work harder. You got angry and acted angry.
You got angry with your therapist. You didn't hurt him in any way. You appropriately used your words. You may not think they were rational, but if we only admitted to the rational feelings, we just as well not go to therapy.
You got angry with your therapist. As gardenergirl said, anger is just another emotion. You've been through so many of them with him. It would be odd indeed not to go through anger.
You got angry with your therapist. He didn't respond as your parents would have. He proved that he was safe.
Now you need to trust him again and tell him that you felt suicidal.
But be proud of yourself for taking the big step of being angry with someone you care about.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 8:51:48
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 7:15:08
I agree with what everyone has posted. You will feel much better if you can talk to your T again. He can handle his feelings and help you. Just the fact that you could express them to him shows me that you must be able to trust him. You knew he wasn't going to harm you for being angry with him. I know this is so painful for you but I feel that this is like a turning point for you. Sometimes we need to get the anger out , I need to do this, and I am sure my T will get the blunt of it. But I know he can handle it. I think you T is great. Just think, you let him have it, and he still accepted you, and wants to help you.
Why do you need to quite therapy with him?
Posted by crushedout on June 17, 2005, at 10:39:29
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
to me, it doesn't sound like you lashed out. it sounds like you expressed very understandable anger. and knowing your therapist, he will be able to take that in and still be as there for you as he always is.(((((((Daisy)))))))
i guess the hard part is for you to stand the pain of him not being able to be more there for you than he can be. i can understand how hard that is.
Posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 12:16:28
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
How's it going today?
Posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 12:54:30
In reply to Daisy?, posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 12:16:28
Better than last night but I know I'm fragile. My husband asked me to please leave my therapist a message and then stood over me to make sure I did it before he would leave this morning. He also asked me not to go to work, though I keep telling him that not working makes it worse.
But, my therapist agreed. He called an hour ago and thinks I need a "mental health day." (you think?!) We talked for a long time about what happened yesterday and where it sent me. He said he thought my frustration was perfectly justified even though he knows it scares me. He said I could yell at him anytime I wanted "that sh*t doesn't bother me" and that it was likely to happen again.
He was very, very upset that I didn't call him last night, but he was glad I kept my promise and didn't hurt myself. He thinks my husband needs training on how to support me when I'm in the black hole (no, sex is not the answer dear) but he was glad I was honest with hubby about how bad I was feeling.
I'm dizzy and tired and sad this morning. But not frantic. I guess that is an improvement. I had a strange dream, I'll post about it below.
During our phone conversation, I said to my therapist, "I'm so sorry I'm so much trouble. And I'm sorry I'm back here again." He said I wasn't too much trouble (he called me silly and that made me smile because he does let me call myself silly)and that he expected this kind of fall out. That he would be more worried if I wasn't back here again. I'm not sure what that means...if he expects me to be regressed because of my dad's visit or if he expects me to be suicidal from being regressed. Either way, I still think it would be better to be neither.
Thank you all for your support. I wish it wasn't the weekend. Monday feels so far away and the board goes so quiet. I'll just keep rereading what everyone wrote. ((((Babble))))--group hug!
Posted by cricket on June 17, 2005, at 12:55:21
In reply to Bad to Worse -- trigger warning, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
Oh Daisy,
I do know exactly what you're going through.
I can't add anything to the wonderful advice you've gotten here.
But I will be thinking about you.
Posted by jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 13:18:36
In reply to Re: Daisy?, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 12:54:30
glad things are a bit better. Having hubby trained to help you sounds good. Your T is a dream! Stick with him!
Will look forward to hearng about your dream!
Jazzy
Posted by rs on June 17, 2005, at 15:37:25
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning » rs, posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2005, at 6:30:54
Hi Falls. Oh I think of you often. I would love to get together sometime. Thanks for thinking of me and Daisy is an inspiration to me.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2005, at 18:13:19
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning » fallsfall, posted by rs on June 17, 2005, at 15:37:25
Thinking of you and hoping you are doing a bit better.
(((daisy)))
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2005, at 18:13:45
In reply to Re: Bad to Worse -- trigger warning » fallsfall, posted by rs on June 17, 2005, at 15:37:25
This is the end of the thread.
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