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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
1)
am i addicted to xanax? i stopped taking them about a month ago cuz i started taking too many, then i thought i was pregnant so i stopped altogether (turned out not preg.) anyway i started taking xanax again a week ago and last couple days i can't seem to take just one, it's like i HAVE to take two or three. usuall i take them at night to help me sleep also. but yesterday i had appt wth T and my anxiety was high (not sure if due to T appt or not) but i took 4 pills (4 mg) and i got kinda messed up.
my t is soooo wonderful, i blurted out things i don't think i could have said 'sober' (if that's the right word) so i'm glad i showed up doped up. but i couldn't bring myself back like i normally could, my session ran over to almost two hours (vs. one hour) and he let me stay in a conference room next to his office until i felt like i was better, he even offered me coffee (i don't normally drink that but i agreed i needed something before i could drive home.i dont know if i'm addicted cuz i want to take it as a form of self injury. i don't necessarily like the way i feel when i take too many but i'm still hoping for that coma thing to happen. my T was really worried and thought i should go to the hosp. but now it's kinda weird cuz i'm there doing some volunteer work and well, it's just weird. once i'm done with the work then i could go again but not till then. i really needed help. luckily my T was with me.
oh that reminds me, he wanted me to check in with him today, just to let him know.2)
i REALLY don't want to go into a substance abuse program. i HATE groups and freak out so i really need to watch my step.
but the things i finally said on monday, well babble folk, it's taken me to another level.
you all now know about my brother and the neighbor kid. i had other pictures come to me...very hurtful, i didn't understand them and still really don't.
ok, here goes....
it's about my mother. i remember when i was young and she bathed me whenever she washed (down there) she scrubbed VERY hard and as long as i can remember (as long as she bathed me), hard enough to make me sore afterwards, i remember her face and it was like she Hated doing it. then....i remember her putting vaseline both on genitals and well my backside if you know what i mean (i just can't say it).
my T said vaseline is normally used for lubrication -that made me numb and confused- i can't even grasp my head around that. i don't think it was sexual, i really don't know. i just remember the feeling of the gel after the bath i got so used to it that i did it on my own for years, i thought that's what you did. i thought maybe she did that cuz she new she rubbed hard?i'm so confused. i never thought i'd say this but i wish i had more visuals about this so i could connect some dots.
thanks for listening.
any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
'in a daze' b2c.
Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 11:49:46
In reply to xanax and disturbing memories**possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
i take it back. dr.bob, can you delete the above post.
i'm just too ashamed and can't believe i even wrote it.
please don't read it.
Posted by muffled on July 15, 2005, at 16:26:33
In reply to xanax and disturbing memories**possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
1. Don't think its a good thing to be high going to T. Don't think its good to be high on drugs in general. Been down that road. You may have felt clever, but I dunno if being high is the right way to go about things really. Drugs, alcohol, if you've got addiction probs. they'll only take you down. Been there done that. Don't try and con a con.
2. Mebbe you felt a little freaked at what you wrote, but don't worry about it. Most people got their own stories to tell. Vaseline by the way is NOT only a lubricant. I get a butt rash occasionally if I do alot of walking, guess what, I use vaseline on my butt, and it ain't for sex. My kid has food sensitivities and sometimes his anal area gets sore. Guess what I use to soothe it! When my daughter was first learning to wipe her own private parts ater peeing, she didn't do a good job and would get irritated tissues, guess what I used as a barrier cream... you got it. So whether or not it was used for 'lubrication' I just don't know. I just know its used for ALOT of things. Hope your doing ok. Don't obsess about it. Take care.
Posted by Jen Star on July 15, 2005, at 17:23:42
In reply to xanax and disturbing memories**possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
hi B2,
you have a lot of courage to post things so personal. I hope that remembering this, although it's painful, leads to a breakthrough in therapy for you.About the xanax -- you COULD be addicted. They say (the famous "they") that xanax is very addicting, and addiction can happen very quickly with it. It's possible your body already "needs" it or wants it regularly. It's also possible that if you're very depressed or uncovering difficult things, your mind may be wanting it as a way to numb difficult feelings.
I hope you can get help if you need it, either from your T or in hospital, although I understand your reluctance to go right now. But you should def. do what's right for you.
I'm thinking of you and hoping all is OK. :)
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Jen Star on July 15, 2005, at 17:27:05
In reply to xanax and disturbing memories**possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
B2,
muffled is right about Vaseline - it's a great rash soother. And it's a LOT cheaper than things like Desitin or the more "famous" rash soothers. Many parents use vaseline on diaper rash & allergies for their kids. It's possible that if you had sensitive skin, your mom tried to keep you very clean & then used Vaseline to try & prevent rash? I wouldn't necessarily assume anything horrible about it.I know with your history it's a definite trigger for you, and I hope your T can help you sort out all of your feelings & worries.
By they way, you don't have to be a baby to get diaper rash! I had a friend who needs to wear urinary pad things b/c of a bladder issue, and she said that those pads give her "diaper rash" sometimes, and that the doctor even called it that!
I hope you're doing OK.
JenStar
Posted by ghost on July 15, 2005, at 17:40:34
In reply to read this first please., posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 11:49:46
b2c,
don't be ashamed. part of me always thinks that being ashamed is like letting "them" win (whoever hurt you). i'll get angry, i'll kick and swear, but somehow when i feel ashamed i feel like i let them get the better of me. shame on THEM, NOT shame on YOU.
i had a problem with xanax for awhile. they were like m&ms when i was anxious or upset, or the voices in my head were too loud. then once they told me to take one for each of my problems and everything would be all right. i took 16 one-milligram pills. obviously it didn't make my problems go away, but i slept for so long that when i woke up i had trouble remembering what had happened. (and what day it was.) i think it's something you can kick yourself if you try, if it hasn't gotten out of control. now i limit myself to one-half a pill during the day and no more than two at night (but i take one at first). mostly i do it because it helps me to have some order in my life (regimented, i guess? one-half for this, one for that, i don't know), but also because i don't want to go to an addiction program because i'm a pill popper. i guess i just associate it with negative things. (dumber than crack, or something lame like that?)
as for your mom, i tend to agree with everyone else... it's quite possible that she did it for non-"bad" reasons (lack of a better, nicer word), although i have to admit that her behaviour seems.. odd. perhaps there will be more pictures to help you piece the puzzle together in the future, but don't harp too much on it. if you don't have the answers yet there's no point in trying to wear yourself out thinking about it. at least, that's my two cents.
lots of love,
ghost
Posted by Jazzed on July 16, 2005, at 10:13:10
In reply to Re: xanax and disturbing memories**possible trigger**, posted by muffled on July 15, 2005, at 16:26:33
>>>When my daughter was first learning to wipe her own private parts ater peeing, she didn't do a good job and would get irritated tissues, guess what I used as a barrier cream... you got it. So whether or not it was used for 'lubrication' I just don't know. I just know its used for ALOT of things. Hope your doing ok. Don't obsess about it. Take care.
When I was last pregnant, my OB/GYN said that they rountinely now tell women never to use vaseline on your genital area because, even though it might feel soothing at first, it causes inflamation to the tissues in that area.
I guess a lot of people use it instead of something that would lessen whatever's causing the irritation.Also, just fyi, never use vaseline in your nose if you have a cold or allergies. It leaks down into your lungs and eventually can actually suffocate you. My sister was using it, unbeknownst of the problems it can cause, and her GP told her this and to use a saline gel for nasal irritation.
Jazzy
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:16:04
In reply to Re: read this first please. » B2chica, posted by ghost on July 15, 2005, at 17:40:34
muffled, thank you for sharing the other 'options' for V. this makes me feel a bit better. i remember she rubbed it harshly all over my genitals and on my rear, almost or maybe going in.
i guess i was wondering if i looked sore (from the other abuse) and that's why she always did it. she did it every time she bathed me. she would clean me, rub me SO hard i was always sore(down there), now i figured maybe that's why she'd do it. but to me that was just part of 'getting clean' growing up.(((((((Ghost)))))))
thanks for posting. ashamed is the word of the day here. i feel ashamed and humiliated.
and xanax--ya, just like m&m's. too anxious, instead of cutting, instead of talking, and Certainly to get numb! my T said if i don't stop he'll need to put me in a sub. abuse program. i REALLY don't want that so i'm stopping.thanks for posting.
(swarming with humiliation) b2c.
Posted by muffled on July 19, 2005, at 15:58:54
In reply to Re: read this first please., posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:16:04
This is the end of the thread.
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