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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 54. Go back in thread:
Posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 15:56:34
In reply to Re: Wouldn't be surprised » Susan47, posted by Dinah on December 25, 2005, at 15:47:05
It's okay, Dinah, I'm sorry you're not feeling so great. What's the matter? What time is it there, around four-ish? You've had such a hellish life this last year, I wish I could do something to make it better for you.
Where are you having Christmas?
It's okay, we can talk about this when you're feeling better. My ex-T just threatened to go to the police if I kept calling his machine and leaving messages. And that made the issue that was making me call come forward in a hurry, it took me by surprise, but not really because in my heart I always knew I wasn't admitting the issue, which had to do with my sex and sexuality and all of that, and something happened in my sessions with him at the very beginning and he knows it or maybe he doesn't or won't admit it to himself or me or anybody else, but it completely fractured things because I'd already built a trust, albeit a very unwilling one. The whole thing was very psycho, and I believe I went through some personality changes and Dinah, I've been nuts for a long time now, but on the other hand right now I feel saner than ever, so maybe it was worth it?
I don't know.
I just don't know what to do, to make this a good thing, to make this all go away, and to still be me, which would be open and loving and kind and smart, and almost most of all, trusting. But if you have your own troubles which make you unable to understand right now, that's totally okay. Because you, Dinah, have been to hell and are coming back, yourself. :) (((Dinah)))
Posted by Dinah on December 25, 2005, at 16:05:30
In reply to Re: Wouldn't be surprised » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 15:56:34
I'm just feeling a bit off physically. Have been for a few days. Nothing serious, just headachy and queasy.
So he did something inappropriate in your early sessions? And you're afraid that a reporting authority won't believe you? I'm not sure what the reporting deadlines are for inappropriate conduct on the part of a therapist.
Posted by muffled on December 25, 2005, at 16:45:49
In reply to Wouldn't be surprised, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 15:43:21
dunno whether you like hugs or not so take it or leave it.
I'm sorry things have been hard for you. You seem very nice.
(((((((((((((((((Susan47)))))))))))))))))
Muffled.
Posted by LadyBug on December 25, 2005, at 17:31:36
In reply to Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 13:27:37
Susan,
I'm so sorry things have gone so far. I don't know all of your story, but I'm sure you are feeling very hurt and confused. I wish you could get it figured out and feel better. Sounds like it's going to be a hard thing to get through. I'm sorry, I wish you comfort and strength to get through this. Post often as I'm sure we can help you get through it.....
LadyBug
Posted by James K on December 25, 2005, at 18:15:45
In reply to So, if anyone's listening and you have opinions, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 15:17:52
I'm sorry I don't know the specifics of your ongoing situation, but I know you are frustrated and hurt. I'm new here and looked back a little but didn't find the old thread.
I just wanted to address the caste system aspect. You are right it does exist. I've spent much of my life beating my head against the wall; literally and figuratively; in fury about how i felt affected by this. The fact that you can write so clearly and eloquently in the midst of turmoil shows that you needn't feel lesser in any way to those others, regardless of how they feel about you. We can fight it, we can accept it , but I hope we never have to buy into it.
So please hang in there and hold your head high. by the way, I'm not saying you actually feel inferior, just don't let the Man get you down.
from James, spending another Christmas alone on purpose.
Posted by orchid on December 26, 2005, at 0:17:57
In reply to Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 13:27:37
I do sympathize with you. A lot. I do understand how difficult it has become for you.
But you have to stop calling his phone. Whatever he did or did not do, if he hurt you or not or even if he acted inappropriately in your session, it is not ok to call a person repeatedly - and I think you said you called pretty much everyday. I can understand the pain that makes you do it, and I really feel very sorry that he couldn't really help you through your feelings. But please don't call him anymore. It will only end up becoming uglier than it already is. And you won't gain anything out of it - no respect, no love, no affection. You will only end up embarrasing yourself further.
I do have a suggestion. You can probably date other men and it might take your T off your mind. I think you could perhaps date as many men as possible, and try to put yourself into the relationship when you are dating. And that might help get rid of your T from your mind. Or if you can attend a church or a religious group it might also help.
((susan))
Posted by Susan47 on December 26, 2005, at 23:20:04
In reply to Re: Wouldn't be surprised » Susan47, posted by Dinah on December 25, 2005, at 16:05:30
Dinah, the problem is that he did something that can't be proven. It's a matter of the way someone behaves, possibly without their conscious awareness. I've posted before what he did, I've posted it all here, in bits and pieces, it's all here on this website, on different boards. It's a complete story and unfortunately, I didn't know I was ever heading in this direction and I still don't really want to go there, I don't like the way things are going, and I want to RUN away from it and sometimes I even think I'm getting a bit paranoid about it, because I've spent such a long time denying this happened.
And I loved him, I mean I had these therapist/client feelings that were so fr*gging tied up with this behaviour that occurred, in addition to the way I behaved as a consequence of it all, that I could be labelled a psycho. A real psycho. And there've been a lot of times I've posted when I've been in real emotional distress, and I know I didn't sound sane or rational, although there were always very good reasons for everything that was said .. and done... this is not going well. I feel really sad about all of this, this never needed to happen and it might still not have to happen and I all I can do now is wonder what type of man my T was.
Posted by Susan47 on December 26, 2005, at 23:31:58
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T » Susan47, posted by orchid on December 26, 2005, at 0:17:57
Well see the thing is, that I'm not really embarrassed. You said I would only end up embarrassing myself further, but I don't really feel embarrassed.
I dont' know why.. I feel justified. I feel like now that he's said he has a third party screening the calls, finally, at least they HAVE to be listened to now, and he HAS to finally HEAR what is being said, not just the fact that the calls are being made.
I never thought a person could or would purposely be so ignorant, as this person .. I need to learn to let go, and stop trying to make someone good and honorable who could care two sh*ts about those things .. I'm very angry, Orchid, I'm very angry with him.. still.
Posted by orchid on December 27, 2005, at 5:03:24
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T » orchid, posted by Susan47 on December 26, 2005, at 23:31:58
I can understand the anger. But why would you want yourself in the possible custody of a police?
Even if the 3 rd party hears, I think there are very high chances for them to tilt in favor of your Ex T. Because usually people tend to favor people who are in respected positions like Ts/psychiatrists etc. And if he has tapes of you calling him when you were in a not so sane mood, then most likely they will judge in his favor. True, he might have to hear what you are saying, but I am positive he already has heard, already understands your pain, already knows what he did is wrong, but yet won't take actions to correct it. He probably did behave somewhat of a jerk with you, and he probably will continue to be so. All otherwise good men are capable of being complete *ssholes when needed for them and when they see fit. Maybe your T is showing that part of his to you.
And when a 3 rd party listens to the calls, unless proved of some offensive behavior on your Ts part like actually maybe having sex with you or soemthing like that, your T will pass through the judgement just fine. He has done what seems to be right under the current model of therapy which is advocated. HE didn't do anything wrong according to ethical board. He was perhaps incompetent, but there usually is not punishment for incompetency. Sad, but true.
I hope you can convince yourself that your Ex T perhaps is a jerk, and that you deserve something better for yourself.
> Well see the thing is, that I'm not really embarrassed. You said I would only end up embarrassing myself further, but I don't really feel embarrassed.
> I dont' know why.. I feel justified. I feel like now that he's said he has a third party screening the calls, finally, at least they HAVE to be listened to now, and he HAS to finally HEAR what is being said, not just the fact that the calls are being made.
> I never thought a person could or would purposely be so ignorant, as this person .. I need to learn to let go, and stop trying to make someone good and honorable who could care two sh*ts about those things .. I'm very angry, Orchid, I'm very angry with him.. still.
Posted by Susan47 on December 27, 2005, at 14:42:39
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T » Susan47, posted by orchid on December 27, 2005, at 5:03:24
Yes, all good points and I am getting there. Like I've said over and over and over again, to myself and to his effing machine because he turned a blind eye and ear to me, over and over again he showed me his blindness and his complete bourgeouis self-image, which was really disgusting but then I felt this LOVE for him, outside of his own self-image I felt something else, and it was so confusing and that *sshole did zip zero and zilch to help me out, in fact he completely rejected me as a patient, after months and months of letting his answering machine take my calls, and picking and choosing when or if he ever was going to return any of them.
Pavlov's dog all over again. I was manipulated and even he probably didn't even know it, he's manipulating me all over again with his silence, because that's what these men have to do, it's their only defence. And offence is the best defence, and he uses it too.
So I know you're right, Orchid, and I've always known it but when I was loving him it was impossible to recognize, because he represented things about myself that I was in love with.
And I kind of felt, because of the way he acts in session and sometimes out of it, and on the phone, I mean he's so Prideful, and I don't know why but I got that so strongly, and then also I loved his humility, but it was hard to know if it was real or fake.
I loved him.
I loved his look of concern and well-being.
He's gorgeous.
Which is unfortunate. Because it's the gorgeous men who sometimes turn out to be the most frail, and the most ardent in thinking they need to protect themselves.
He did everything possible to protect himself against my... issue. Which really, perhaps even to little old lady-hood, will cause me problems unless I learn to take it and handle it all.. lightly.
I think, he was f*cked.
And he was quite willing to let my ship go down, so that his could float.
And for that, he was disappointing.
But real. Very, very real.
Posted by Susan47 on December 27, 2005, at 14:48:03
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T » Susan47, posted by orchid on December 27, 2005, at 5:03:24
Also, it's the physical crimes in society that are easy to punish. The moral ones are and always have been more difficult to prove. So yes, you're right, I'm the one who will wear this, if anything is to be worn. And I always knew that, too. And I always knew that I wasn't always being rational, or straight, but I always knew that there's a reason for it, there was reasoning behind all of it. Finding it out and being able to release myself from my family's own drama and my role with them made me able to do the same with the role I'd taken on for this ex-T, and if any of what I'm saying is accurate than I must feel terribly sorry, but I think it's probably all just a construct of my imagination. I mean, the difference between sane and insane .. what is it, really?
Posted by orchid on December 28, 2005, at 3:03:49
In reply to You're right, Orchid » orchid, posted by Susan47 on December 27, 2005, at 14:48:03
Take Care Susan. I hope you don't get into any trouble.
I don't think you should really call your Ex T anymore. For whatever reason. Let him be what he is - a good guy or a bad guy or whatever. You try to move on with all your heart. And this world is filled with plenty of wonderful people who are there for you. What good is someone to you who isn't available? Even if he is the best? You would be much better off with someone more ordinary but who is devoted TO YOU.
Posted by joslynn on December 29, 2005, at 17:15:45
In reply to Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 13:27:37
I have had the problem also of not being able to let go of someone emotionally. I haven't done the things you mentioned, but I understand the feelings. One thing I know is that letting go frees YOU to live, to be open to what God/the universe/whatever you believe in has to offer.
It's too bad he won't just block your number, because that would probably be a favor to you, actually,
At this point, I would suggest you view this as an addiction. That is what I had to do with someone I had a little rendezvous with, who was bad news and lived in my neighborhood. I had to look at it the same way an alcoholic has to view booze. First I read up on everything I could about love addiction.
It got to the point where I would put a gold star on my calendar every day I avoided the coffee shop where he hung out, etc. I started shopping at a completely different grocery store. Like many people who kind of pull you in with charm at first, he was quite happy to continue the intrigue on a toxic level, but that's not what I wanted.
Seriously, type in love addiction to google. Reward yourself every time you don't call.
Maybe he was emotionally seductive in the beginning, but that doesn't change the fact that he is not emotionally available at all to you now.
If you view him as a toxic substance that you are allergic to, which you just have to avoid, that may take some of the emotions out of it??
Good luck. It is hard but worth it.
Posted by Susan47 on January 1, 2006, at 16:08:29
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by joslynn on December 29, 2005, at 17:15:45
>
>
> It's too bad he won't just block your number, because that would probably be a favor to you, actually,He did initially block my number(s), the ones I'd been calling from. He told me though that when I changed to cell and internet-based service that he couldn't do that and if he could, he would. Which hurt but made sense from his perspective, which was that he didn't know what else to do to get rid of this troublesome ex-patient. I still think about that and I just want to swear at him, in outrage for being so simple-minded.
>
> At this point, I would suggest you view this as an addiction. That is what I had to do with someone I had a little rendezvous with, who was bad news and lived in my neighborhood. I had to look at it the same way an alcoholic has to view booze. First I read up on everything I could about love addiction.
>
> It got to the point where I would put a gold star on my calendar every day I avoided the coffee shop where he hung out, etc. I started shopping at a completely different grocery store. Like many people who kind of pull you in with charm at first, he was quite happy to continue the intrigue on a toxic level, but that's not what I wanted.No. At one point I remember telling the answering machine that this was sick. I knew the fact that he was listening to all my calls initially, or gave the impression to me that he was, was toxic. I knew that he shouldn't have been letting me do it. I knew that he should've demanded exactly the reason for it and insisted on knowing, and been straight with me about his own need for reassurance, and his own need to be seen in a certain way. He has this huge need for respect. It's overwhelming, but it isn't alone in his needs. I was too caught up in them, to see straight. I know myself well, now. I know exactly who I am. I did the work.
>
> Seriously, type in love addiction to google. Reward yourself every time you don't call.
>
> Maybe he was emotionally seductive in the beginning, but that doesn't change the fact that he is not emotionally available at all to you now.
>
> If you view him as a toxic substance that you are allergic to, which you just have to avoid, that may take some of the emotions out of it??
>
> Good luck. It is hard but worth it.I agree, joslyyn, thanks you lovely woman.
Posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:37:11
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by Susan47 on January 1, 2006, at 16:08:29
Well actually I must not have. Because I still am phoning. I hate the way I need the truth. I hate it, the way I am. I'm like a dog who won't let go of a rotting, stinking carcass .. because there must be nourishment in there somewhere. Somewhere, I know there's good. And I'll die trying to get it. I have to stop. Someone help me stop. I'm effing useless this way. I keep trying to explain and understand what isn't understandable, what will never be explained, I keep tearing my soul to a bloody pulp trying to understand that I am Okay. Wanting This Person, this person, to make all the difference for me. Because he seemed like he could, he seemed like he would. Until it was all ruined, by me. I don't know what exactly, probably a look, an expression, the wrong words, but something made me awful. I can be not awful. I can be other things. Why does it hurt so much, oh dear God why WHY does it hurt so much to be seen so dismissively, so resentfully, why does it matter? Who knows why it matters? Why does it matter, what is WRONG with me?
Posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:43:37
In reply to I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:37:11
Will there be any friends left for me, after this shameful thing gets out? I'm just trying to imagine people finding out how messed up I am. I can't imagine it, well I can, but it is pretty horrible. As it is I have to either spill this whole story to someone or take it to my grave, shamefully. It's one of those things I can't outlive.
Posted by Racer on January 3, 2006, at 22:06:27
In reply to Will anybody visit me in jail?, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:43:37
I don't know the answers to any of your questions, Susan, but I do know that you can outlive this. I've done things I thought I could never live with having done -- better die tonight, so that I will never have to face up to it.
And I'm still here.
As far as what you're going through, though, are you taking any meds? I'm wondering if something like Risperdal would help you? What about therapy -- are you seeing a therapist now? Can that therapist help you get past this?
Posted by JenStar on January 3, 2006, at 22:49:03
In reply to I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:37:11
Susan,
From the things you write, it seems to me that you do NOT want the truth, even though you said you want it. For the truth is that this man is not interested in pursuing any relationship with you, be it therapeutic or otherwise. He simply does not want it. YOU are the one who is continuing to call him, who is refusing to let go.Susan, it sounds to me like you're starting to act dangerously delusional. Dangerous to yourself, that is -- I'm worried that you will do something that you will regret, especially whe you talk about having visits in jail!
Please, please get some help so that you can leave this man alone and move on in your life.
I hope you are well.
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 22:57:31
In reply to Will anybody visit me in jail?, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:43:37
Susan, it doesn't sound like you're headed to jail if you can stop this now. Maybe talk to a pdoc about meds, or seek therapy (maybe with a woman this time)?
No matter what he did to you, or what you want from him, at this point all you're doing is hurting yourself.
I hate to see you hurt yourself over this.
He just isn't worth it.
Posted by Racer on January 3, 2006, at 23:36:43
In reply to Re: I did the work » Susan47, posted by JenStar on January 3, 2006, at 22:49:03
Posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 0:07:19
In reply to Re: I did the work » Susan47, posted by JenStar on January 3, 2006, at 22:49:03
Totally, I know that and it just hurts and I don't know why it hurts, because of COURSE he doesn't want a relationship with me, never has and never would, and I understand that so clearly on an intellectual level, AND emotionally I know it and have always known and understood it. From the beginning, from the very first. Which is why him looking at me in a sexual way just felt so terrible, so bad, and wrong, and hurt from the first but I didn't know it. I felt so attached to him at that point already, he had absolutely no idea.
I mean, maybe he did, before I even told him all this obsessional stuff I had running through my head. Don't you know that I TOLD him exactly how I felt right off the bat, as soon as I knew how I felt, which is that loving sh*t patients get for their therapists, I told him exactly how it felt. But I can't erase what happened after that, no matter. I keep calling trying to make it better, trying to make him trust me again and trying to trust him back and I can't, nothing will get the trust back ever again and it HURTS god damn it because I just wanted him to see me as a special person, NOT another patient in there obsessing and putting her t*ts on show.
Which is how he saw me. And I want to stop him seeing that. I'm not his wife, I'm not his partner, I'm not even his friend. I was his patient and I wanted that and I moved out of that into a different role, I carried a sexual role as soon as I saw him look at me that way.
Don't you get it?
Doesn't ANYBODY get it?
Posted by muffled on January 5, 2006, at 9:23:04
In reply to Re: I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 0:07:19
> Totally, I know that and it just hurts and I don't know why it hurts, because of COURSE he doesn't want a relationship with me, never has and never would, and I understand that so clearly on an intellectual level, AND emotionally I know it and have always known and understood it. From the beginning, from the very first. Which is why him looking at me in a sexual way just felt so terrible, so bad, and wrong, and hurt from the first but I didn't know it. I felt so attached to him at that point already, he had absolutely no idea.
***Hi, its Muffled here. I am trying to understand. What does 'looking at you in a sexual way' mean?
> I mean, maybe he did, before I even told him all this obsessional stuff I had running through my head. Don't you know that I TOLD him exactly how I felt right off the bat, as soon as I knew how I felt, which is that loving sh*t patients get for their therapists, I told him exactly how it felt. But I can't erase what happened after that,
**WHAT happened?. Sorry if I missed that part? But it seems rather important.
I keep calling trying to make it better, trying to make him trust me again and trying to trust him back and I can't, nothing will get the trust back ever again and it HURTS god damn it because I just wanted him to see me as a special person, NOT another patient in there obsessing and putting her t*ts on show.
**Yeah. People can sure hurt other people all right.
Did you literally show him your nakedness?> Which is how he saw me. And I want to stop him seeing that. I'm not his wife, I'm not his partner, I'm not even his friend. I was his patient and I wanted that and I moved out of that into a different role, I carried a sexual role as soon as I saw him look at me that way.
> Don't you get it?
> Doesn't ANYBODY get it?**I think we are trying very hard to get it. Mebbe you could just send him this last post of yours and call it a day. It seems to pretty much explain your position and what else can you do? Mebbe another T to try and help you thru this? Meds are ok too. They are helping me over a rough patch. I think. I hope.
Take care Susan 47. I'm sorry you are hurting. I have read your posts and you seem real nice.
Muffled>
Posted by one woman cine on January 5, 2006, at 11:17:41
In reply to I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:37:11
Hi.
I can understand the pain you are going through with this therapy issue. It can be excruciating and at times, seemingly impossible.
You have stated that you want help and that you have done the work. I'm wondering what work have you done? I am assuming you are not in therapy, & I think - maybe, for a long time posters have been basically pleading with you to get into therapy to try to resolve this. If you are in therapy, than what is your therapist doing to help you overcome this?
If you aren't in therapy, why not? This is a really serious issue, for your own sake. This doesn't sound like it's abating for you or diminishing, in fact - it sounds as if it's escalating. Why continue to do this to yourself at this point if you have other options available to you? (ie, therapy, a review board etc. etc.)Maybe I'm not getting something & perhaps you could elucidate on the story a bit more. I'm not concerned about the therapists welfare, by the way, he can take care of himself. However, if you continue this route, you are going to garner unwanted attention - & jail will be decent compared to being incarcerated in a psych hospital for any illegal activities.
Posted by Damos on January 5, 2006, at 16:19:19
In reply to Re: I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 0:07:19
Hey Suze :-)
I'm a man so that probably disqualifies me from any hope of understanding, but I'm trying, and if you keep talking about it I'll keep listening, just as long as it takes.
You're right you know, in this thread you've finally got to stuff you've been talking around since I've know you - thank you. Thank you for being brave (or desperate) enough to say what you have in this thread. And Susan it doesn't matter which it was because you've started to spit out the poison and that's all that matters.
Honestly I've got to agree with a lot of what Joslynn said. You know a fair bit about me and my ex, well Suze it took me nearly 16 years to realise that she never really saw ME, took parts of me I couldn't afford to lose. I was addicted and stupid and tragic and pathetic. I was a convenience item. Repeated rejection and humiliation only made my need to be *seen* by her even worse. The day I was able to admit this to myself was awful, but liberating. Please don't wait as long as me to free yourself. I can tell you that even though we are still friends and our relationship dynamic has changed significantly for the better there is still no recognition of the hurt that was done.
This man looked at you but didn't see YOU. He listened but didn't hear. He met but didn't relate. And his looking stole from you. Stole something important, something you couldn't afford to lose. Stole from you the chance to become the one thing you wanted, and made you feel and become things you didn't want. And you're angry as h*ll that the only thing he sees is what you most didn't want. You're angry as h*ll that you gave him your trust, your honesty and openness, your self, and he crushed it. You're angry that he let you build up this image of him, an image that is now contradictory and confusing and painful. You feel deeply betrayed. How am I doing? You're angry that accidentally or intentionally he encouraged or at the very least didn't discourage something that has led you to a lot of pain and instability in the way you see yourself. You're angry that when it got uncomfortable for him he just walked away like you were nothing. And this, this hurts most of all, because the thing you wanted most was to be something, someone. Because no-one, not even yourself had allowed you to be the very special someone you know you can be.
Sorry Suze, but this is really upsetting me so I need to take a break, but I'll be back okay. Thank you for letting me see just a little of you. Your friendship means a lot to me my dear sweet Susan, as long as you keep fighting for you you'll always have us in your corner.
(((((Susan)))))
Posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 19:57:26
In reply to Re: I did the work » Susan47, posted by muffled on January 5, 2006, at 9:23:04
I've been confused and confusing about this whole thing. I have moments when it's extremely clear, and others when it's all muddy, and no matter what I do, I can't get it clear. But then it swings from one extreme to the other, and I know my thinking about this unstable. I think, logically, that the thing is an emotional problem of my own, I can see through it, kind of, if you know what I mean. It doesn't feel right and nothing about it ever did. It was always messed up and mixed up, for me. I used to think sometimes that it was messed up and mixed up for the therapist as well. I think sometimes therapists have their own stuff and it gets mixed up with ours, sometimes. And I think that's what happened. And I think I have to get over it, if I want to live a real life, again. Because for two years or so, this has been the biggest part of my very painful existence, it's been effing hell. I swear a lot, I used to have SUCH a clean mouth, now I've heard too much and been alone with it too long, and it's oozing out of my pores. I know how to explain this but I don't want to give away so much detail about myself. I'm a real person. I've experienced way beyond what my mind has had the capability to deal with. I never knew I needed help with any of it, but I think I know it now. It's just becoming clear so slowly. And talking about it helps. This helps. My friends, what little they know of me, what more I'm telling them, is helping too. For the first time actually I'm loving my friends as the really wonderful people they are.
Okay. But I can answer your specific questions if you want to Babble me, I really can. I just don't want to say too much here. Because there's stuff I have to protect other people about, as well. I can't just go blindly charging off into the jungle anymore, without knowing the consequences, I mean, I used to really believe I was inconsequential. But I can't be, I can't hide from things even if I try, anymore. I do matter, just not in the way I want to, not always, in any case. It's just, a lifetime of mattering in the wrong way just got me so mixed up, then all the occupational hazards I had, and being so effed up, I had a lot of relationships with a lot of really bad people. Well, I don't know what a lot is, but to me it's more than a few, and bad can be quite bad. :( Not horrible, but quite bad. :(
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