![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 21 to 45 of 45. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2006, at 10:46:44
In reply to To Asmita, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
Just a reminder that you're supposed to announce a name change on the Administrative board.
You said you told your therapist everything, and he's still your therapist?
I'm guessing mine would not only terminate me, should I do anything like that, but turn me over to the police and postal authorities as well. That's just a guess. He's ok with googling.
I kind of like the boundaries, in both directions. I haven't even gone to see him at public presentations he's given that he suggested I might wish to attend. And he knows that I post here, but he's promised never ever to peek even if he's curious what I might say about him, because he respects my privacy.
Posted by happyflower on February 17, 2006, at 18:04:58
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
I know a lot about my T but because he told me. But I think if I invaded "his space", he wouldn't be to happy about. Now if it is public info, he wouldn't say much about that, but reading his emails, is not "public" but private. I think if someone did that to me, it would freak me out.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 17, 2006, at 23:33:06
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 2:04:09
> ah by the way i just started posting again , i used to be obSession but fogot my password, so had to start over with a new nick ect
Would you be willing to switch back? If so, you can reset your password here:
https://dr-bob.securesites.com/cgi-bin/pb/newpwd.pl
Bob
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2006, at 14:44:15
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 16, 2006, at 2:17:51
> it was kind of crazy. i get really really paranoid about things, so basically i just sat there and thought of things that he'd use as his password and then it actually worked!! i know what you mean asmita, it can become a habit or even turn into an addiction to keep finding out all the info about them. i seriously used to check his mail like everyday or read every message, but i've backed off a lot lately and that's made me feel a little bit better.
>
> i think i did it because i have really big issues with trust, and for me to pour out my every feeling to him made me feel vulnerable and also judged by him, because i had this whole built-up idea in my head that he's some super-human who never gets depressed, etc. i do admit that reading the messages has helped me become much more relaxed and more open at our appointments, because i finally realize he is just as human as i am. but i know it's pretty sad i had to go to those kind of extremes to reach a comfort level with him. i am having trouble dealing with the guilt and it's made me feel like a really bad person.
>
You're likely not a bad person, but maybe if you have issues with trust, you're making them worse by reinforcing why you don't have them, i.e., you're acting out your own worst nightmare, or part of it, maybe? I mean, reading your therapist's mail, I mean, please tell someone you did this, tell tell tell more people so you can stop yourself, because I don't think that's healthy for anyone. Don't you see it as disrespectful of him, of his feelings? Don't you care about his feelings? If nothing else, do it for him. I'm just asking you to consider it. Because if you do stuff like that, you know it's essentially wrong, you feel worse about yourself afterwards, and part of the reason is because you KNOW it's a violation against him and if he found out it would break his trust in you, so you HAVE to stop. You just have to, no matter how much you think it's interesting. He's a person with a right to his privacy, and if you respected your own, you would probably respect his, too.... just asking. Because I'm afraid for therapists who hear about this kind of stuff happening, and become frightened for themselves, and it changes their own perception of the people they're working with ... it isn't fair to anyone.
Posted by asmita on February 18, 2006, at 17:15:05
In reply to To Asmita, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
zebracrossing, did you really tell your T about everything in the end? can you get arrested for that kind of stuff (at least if you're in america...)? sounds like you were/are really obsessed with the guy... so it might be worth talking about to a T, even if it's not the same one. i agree that to a certain extent a T should be a blank canvas...but that's never really possible is it? i had a female T for some time a while ago, and it was so very different from what's going on now. just the presence of the T him/herself, even if they don't talk much and don't tell you about their lives, will influence how you're going to feel during the sessions and what you're gonna talk about...
sometimes i wish i had only googled my T, not gone beyond that. i don't know where the line should be drawn. on the other hand, how am i supposed to trust someone i know nothing about? maybe it's good that i know a little more about him, also so that i don't idealise him too much. but i still feel guilty and a little crazy for doing it. since i now know vaguely where he lives, i often think about going there hoping i'll bump into him. it scares me that i'm even thinking that, knowing that if i think it a lot eventually i'll do it, and if i do it once i'll do it again...etc.
i think this whole obsession i have for my T is only making me feel more lonely. just thinking about my T is so addictive, but sometimes i catch myself at it and realise how sad it is. i can want him as much as i want but i'll probably never have him...and all i'm left doing is staring at my computer screen trying to make some kind of connection with a stranger who probably couldn't care less outside of office hours.
:(
Posted by dia on February 19, 2006, at 0:04:29
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » Dia, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2006, at 14:44:15
Susan, you are right. I HAVE to stop looking at his e-mail. I tend to get really obsessed with people and I know other people's passwords as well. What's strange is that I don't necessarily 'hack' into their accounts in some hi-technological way, but am just a good guesser. But it's his e-mail I check the most. I do feel guilty, almost sick from it. I want to stop but it really is like an addiction. I know it's bad, but as asmita said - it does keep me from idealizing him and also has allowed me to trust him more, something I just can't do with everyone. Any suggestions on how to stop? That probably sounds like a stupid question, but I am desperate to rid myself of this horrible habit.
And I really do love him. That's what is so bad about it. He said he thinks of me as a daughter. So if he has that amount of respect for me - then I should equally have the same for him and his privacy. I would never tell him that I've done this but I admit that I already feel better being able to admit it here.
*Dia*
Posted by LegWarmers on February 19, 2006, at 9:15:47
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by dia on February 19, 2006, at 0:04:29
> Any suggestions on how to stop? That probably sounds like a stupid question, but I am desperate to rid myself of this horrible habit.
Keep reminding yourself of how violating it is, how would he react if he found out you were doing it? And there is a possiliblty he could find out...
> And I really do love him. That's what is so bad about it. He said he thinks of me as a daughter. So if he has that amount of respect for me - then I should equally have the same for him and his privacy.
Exactly.
>I would never tell him that I've done this but I admit that I already feel better being able to admit it here.
Im glad you felt able to write it here. Think about how you would feel if someone had your password? If someone was accessing your email and reading it? Reading your mail.... Im hoping some of those thoughts will help...I dont know.
Posted by LegWarmers on February 19, 2006, at 9:25:07
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
>
> so i was wondering if anyone else ever googled their T's name...admit it......I haven't, but I might, it is public if its there.
But this thread has got me feeling a little nervous. Is it really common for people to figure out others's passwords, read peoples private things, and go all out trying to 'find' things? Im asking because I feel really naive... and trusting right now.Im not asking in a judgemental way btw
And Dia, I think you could just throw into your conversation in therapy one day... something about how important frequent password changes are because of security issues... hopefully he will take the hint and help you to stop
Posted by zebracrossing on February 20, 2006, at 1:09:16
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by LegWarmers on February 19, 2006, at 9:25:07
Dont get me wrong I did respect him thats the thing. I knew what i was doing was wrong but i culdnt help myself i was like an alcahloic , it was like an ocd person carring out a ritual to reduce their level of anxiety. we had a very open relationship where he didnt freak out when i told him stuff , he was okay with sum of it and not so okay with others. one of my probs was i get obssessed with people but fatal attraction stuff, but minus the kiling and violence.
i cant help it.
i think people with a low self asteem suffer from this prob.
it is distressing. i dont live in the states but if i did i would be behind bars a long time ago!zebra
Posted by LegWarmers on February 20, 2006, at 12:34:00
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by zebracrossing on February 20, 2006, at 1:09:16
> Dont get me wrong I did respect him thats the thing. I knew what i was doing was wrong but i culdnt help myself i was like an alcahloic , it was like an ocd person carring out a ritual to reduce their level of anxiety. we had a very open relationship where he didnt freak out when i told him stuff , he was okay with sum of it and not so okay with others.
Thats good you talked to him about it.>one of my probs was i get obssessed with people but fatal attraction stuff, but minus the kiling and violence.
> i cant help it.
> i think people with a low self asteem suffer from this prob.
> it is distressing. i dont live in the states but if i did i would be behind bars a long time ago!
>
> zebraOh gosh! Please do talk to someone about this more. I understand what you are saying.. that you feel that you can't stop, but you dont want to get hurt... from the sounds of it, you could.
I posted my comment becaue I have given passwords out to friends often if I need them to check something, and I never change them to something else. If they know one password they could figure out another if they tried. It never crossed my mind that someone would use it again. I got on top of things yesterday and changed them...only because of the possibilty that they would ever go snoop... it would make me feel so violated. Im sure they wouldn't though.take care
Posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 13:26:31
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » zebracrossing, posted by LegWarmers on February 20, 2006, at 12:34:00
I have always had the theory that anybody can read anything you write or put on the internet, even if you think it's all 'secure' and everything. Aside from hacking, people might forward your messages to somebody else or they could be read by someone you didn't want it to be read by, if the person you meant to send your e-mail to has someone sitting right next to them or says 'hey come here and read this'... The bottom line is that I compose all my e-mails as if someone else was going to read them. Even in instant message conversations, I censor or watch what I say. It's harsh but I always thought that if someone was stupid enough to write out something really personal on the internet, then it's their own fault if they end up feeling 'violated' because somebody else read it.
I really am trying to not look as much at his stuff and I thought of some reasons for why I do it. I get really jealous. If I found out he was emailing with another client or even seeing another female client around my age I would be furious. I'm also jealous of his wife, we've met and she definitely does not like me. I was also trying to find things I disliked about him so I could stop thinking he was so wonderful but unfortunately that didn't really work. But I would never ever delete any of his e-mails, read them before he has or try and sabotage his account.
*Dia*
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2006, at 15:16:29
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 13:26:31
> ...
It's harsh but I always thought that if someone was stupid enough to write out something really personal on the internet, then it's their own fault if they end up feeling 'violated' because somebody else read it.
Ouch. Maybe if it was a stupid thing to do, that would be all right. But please don't infer that someone's stupid to write out personal stuff, no matter where it is. ... Thank you. :) I suspect if we were all just a bit more open about who we really are, and not have so many reasons to be afraid, it would be a wonderful place to be, this world.
>
> I really am trying to not look as much at his stuff and I thought of some reasons for why I do it. I get really jealous. If I found out he was emailing with another client or even seeing another female client around my age I would be furious. I'm also jealous of his wife, we've met and she definitely does not like me. I was also trying to find things I disliked about him so I could stop thinking he was so wonderful but unfortunately that didn't really work. But I would never ever delete any of his e-mails, read them before he has or try and sabotage his account.The kind of thing you're doing to your therapist (how much therapy can you be getting if you're violating him so ..?) ... I suspect that's the kind of thing that makes others afraid. I hope your therapist knows who you are. Because what you're doing is destructive, you know. You're hurting yourself more than anybody else, but if he found out, he might be hurting too. If I found out something like that, I would be rightfully furious. Don't you think he might be too?
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2006, at 15:26:02
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 13:26:31
>... censor or watch what I say. It's harsh but I always thought that if someone was stupid enough to write out something really personal on the internet, then it's their own fault if they end up feeling 'violated' because somebody else read it.
>
You know, I suspect you're trying to make excuses for your own behaviour, with that kind of justification ... are you subconsciously stretching "internet" to also mean "e-mail"? Maybe give that a bit of serious, deep and honest thought .. I think it's called soul-searching, and the hardest thing anybody ever has to do. I had a career that involved knowing too much about people. What you're doing to your "therapist" is extremely destructive to you and him, even if he never found out, the fact that you're doing it is a violation of his spiritual self. I believe when a person's been hurt in this way, even if they never find out, it's extremely destructive to their life force. It's why I worked so hard at never doing it, I was lucky for knowing that. I know the pain of wanting someone for yourself, of knowing you don't have them and they're always with others more important to them than you are, the loneliness of abandonment and the dealing with it in adulthood, the anxiety and blackness, the pure desperate feeling of knowing you're nothing, nothing to anybody who matters ... you have to stop what you're doing, though, because even you must know how much you're hurting yourself, his life isn't the only one you're disrespecting, you know.
Posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 15:39:37
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » Dia, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2006, at 15:26:02
You are right. Thanks for the feedback. I'm not a mean person you know, I'm not trying to purposely hurt anyone, including myself. I just have obsessions with certain things and it's difficult to explain. May have something to do with me having actual diagnosed OCD too, I don't know.
*Dia*
Posted by zebracrossing on February 22, 2006, at 1:09:11
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 15:39:37
i dont do the stuff anymore.....
hard to xplain it all but we he still respects me strangely enough.
Posted by LegWarmers on February 22, 2006, at 8:43:12
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 21, 2006, at 13:26:31
> I have always had the theory that anybody can read anything you write or put on the internet, even if you think it's all 'secure' and everything.
of course thats possible, I suppose thats why people most often will choose a posting name that isnt thier real name, for privacy, yeah? And I doubt many people tell people thier posting names.
>Aside from hacking, people might forward your messages to somebody else or they could be read by someone you didn't want it to be read by,
I would hope that nothing personal that I emailed to a friend would then be forwarded on, as far as Im concerned that violating.
> if the person you meant to send your e-mail to has someone sitting right next to them or says 'hey come here and read this'... The bottom line is that I compose all my e-mails as if someone else was going to read them. Even in instant message conversations, I censor or watch what I say. It's harsh but I always thought that if someone was stupid enough to write out something really personal on the internet, then it's their own fault if they end up feeling 'violated' because somebody else read it.
That must be difficult not to trust people, is that what you mean? The situation for me was that I have given out my banking password. email password, and more... if I needed someone to do something for me when I wasnt able to get to a computer fast enough. What I was sayiyg is, Ive never changed my passwords to anything else until reading this thread. Hopefully my friends are trustworthy people who respect me, but reading this made me feel nervous that over the alst year a few people could have been seeing my personal stuff, aside from email, WHICH even thoguh is accessable through the net as everything is, it DOES not make then in any way open to public. My friedns have done the same with me, I have been given thier pws to do stuff.... but I dont even remember what they are, even if I did, I have never ever had the desire to check if they changed them.
>
> I really am trying to not look as much at his stuff and I thought of some reasons for why I do it. I get really jealous. If I found out he was emailing with another client or even seeing another female client around my age I would be furious. I'm also jealous of his wife, we've met and she definitely does not like me. I was also trying to find things I disliked about him so I could stop thinking he was so wonderful but unfortunately that didn't really work. But I would never ever delete any of his e-mails, read them before he has or try and sabotage his account.
>
> *Dia*I hope you tell him, it does sound scary to me and the one who will get hurt the most is you if he ever found out and my guess is that it will make you more paranoid in the long run.
Posted by zebracrossing on February 23, 2006, at 0:41:36
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » Dia, posted by LegWarmers on February 22, 2006, at 8:43:12
people dont realise how easy getting acces into anything is, especially if u are driven by extreme obsession u can get anything and i mean anything. its very scary i was in my early teens getting lots of info on T ...which is just insane...looking back if u ask me.
anyways spk sewn
zebra
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 25, 2006, at 15:43:45
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » Dia, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2006, at 15:26:02
> What you're doing to your "therapist" is extremely destructive to ... him, even if he never found out, the fact that you're doing it is a violation of his spiritual self.
Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused.
But please also don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 10:33:02
In reply to Re: please be civil » Susan47, posted by Dr. Bob on February 25, 2006, at 15:43:45
You're right, and I'm sorry .. and the fact is in any case, that there might not be such a thing as spirit, so I could also be dead wrong, and I apologize. I hope nobody took that too seriously!
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 28, 2006, at 21:06:16
In reply to Sorry Dr. Bob and Dia » Dr. Bob, posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 10:33:02
Posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 21:23:49
In reply to Re: please be civil » Susan47, posted by Dr. Bob on February 25, 2006, at 15:43:45
Excuse me, I was just thinking, reading this over, and maybe not thinking because I'm really good at that, too.
"But please also don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person."
Dr. Bob, I don't hang out in Admin, so forgive my ignorance .. it's a scary place sometimes, better to stay away .. but in any case, um .. did it take a committee for you to put this into your posts? In any case, it's a nice touch, it's a lovely thing, your compassion is showing these days, my dear... I think we all love it ...
Posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 21:31:48
In reply to Sorry Dr. Bob and Dia » Dr. Bob, posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 10:33:02
And I also made a negative value judgement on her behaviour, I said she was disrespecting her therapist's life and I implied that she was also thereby disrespecting her own. And that was wrong, because that could be the complete wrong analysis, I'm looking at it from one particular angle only, and quite frankly, I don't like that I said that.
Posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 21:38:26
In reply to Dr. Bob » Susan47, posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 21:31:48
Susan goes haywire, again. But she is going to go and do something constructive now, meaning read one of the half-dozen books on the go or something .. something ... but not phoning, NO phoning, Susan is going to behave herself she is NOT going to get herself into trouble. She is sitting here at the keyboard right now, posting madly away, quite sane. In fact, anybody looking at her would say she was a lovely sight to behold. Oh yes.
I just wrote out a whole bunch of stuff about what I was wearing, and how I was sitting, et cetera. I am tense. Very, very tense. Because it's sex that triggered this off.
Posted by Dia on February 28, 2006, at 22:14:56
In reply to Above not meant to be posted to myself, posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 21:38:26
Hey Susuan, it's ok. I'm not offended by what you said. But I'm confused...this post triggered you to think of sex?
Posted by Veracity on March 23, 2006, at 16:39:25
In reply to Re: Above not meant to be posted to myself, posted by Dia on February 28, 2006, at 22:14:56
I Googled my therapist's name BEFORE I ever called to schedule an initial appointment. There's not much out there on her and what was there is strictly professional (journal articles and professional listings). I am interested in knowing more about her, certainly, but I doubt there's anything on the Internet. And as I've matured through therapy and learned more about how the relationship works, I realize the less I know about her, the better. I ran in to her at the grocery store once and saw what kind of cereal she buys. I hated knowing even THAT.
But here's the thing, I'm almost 99% sure that my therapist googled ME. I have never talked about my work or professional interests in therapy in any real way. She's asked at times but I never talked about it - it's just something I do not like to talk about and I didn't find it relevant to my therapy. But she's made a couple random comments at different times that mention information that I know for a fact I have never divulged in our sessions but that I know is readily available if you were to google my name on the internet.
I don't feel violated or anything, and I can understand why she would do that (if indeed she did) because I have never really opened up at all about my life beyond the symptoms/problems that brought me to therapy in the first place. Now if she hacked in to my e-mail, that would be another issue entirely!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.