![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 8, 2006, at 18:30:13
Since, as y'all know, I only have the one thought per day... {rolls eyes}
In therapy today, we were talking about self-esteem, and about the part of me that really is OK. We started off with the whole thing about last week's math test. I went over my answers three times before turning it in -- in part because I did NOT want to be the first one out, since the teacher kept telling us it wasn't a race, and I was still the first one out -- and then walked out and IMMEDIATELY said to myself, "I should go back and go over the answers one more time." And all weekend, there was a little devil in me, saying, "You should have gone back over everything One More Time."
But through all this, there was also the part of me that said, in an authoritative tone, "You checked your answers, and found a few mistakes. Once you corrected them, you went over your answers again. And then, just to use time and not be first out, you went over the answers AGAIN. Going over the answers one more time would not have helped, because this is just anxiety -- it's not about the test." Just like the same part of me says things like, "Yes, I do knit well, and I knit well because I am willing to take risks with what I do, and I have the confidence that it'll be OK." And can even point out parts of my body that I like, despite the whole eating disorder/body image thing.
But, somehow, it feels kinda as if I have to be able to balance all those positives with negatives. If I like, say, my fingernails -- then I have to hate my thighs that much more. If I feel good about having worked hard in that math class, I have to feel equally bad about something -- maybe that I think I'm careless, or lazy; maybe that I haven't worked nearly as hard in my other class. (For which, by the way, the midterm is tomorrow, and I'm freaking out, very quietly, about that...)
It might just be Recovering Accountant Disorder -- everything has to zero out. But I'm inclined to think that there's something pretty fundamental about it. Can anyone else relate?
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 8, 2006, at 19:20:07
In reply to Thought for today...(About self image/self esteem), posted by Racer on March 8, 2006, at 18:30:13
Racer, I'm new here, so forgive me if this doesn't apply to you. For me, when I'm doing that, I'm almost literally playing the tapes of my mother's voice in my head -- the voice that spent all of my growing up years telling me I wasn't good enough. I was smart, but I was lazy. I was overweight. I was a liar. I was not as good as my brothers. If I did something "good," she would immediately remind everyone present about what I did "bad." The list goes on and on. I am constantly amazed at how strong the voice still can be.
I had a discussion with my T about this several months ago. I was saying that I had to learn how to shut that voice the h*ll up. She said the goal shouldn't be to shut it up (because that's almost impossible), but to not argue with it. She wants me to practice saying things to it like, "That's your opinion, but it's really not helpful." In other words, I have to find ways to minimize its impact on my psyche. I'm still struggling with that.
Sorry if I'm way off base with this, but your post reminded me of that voice.
Posted by Daisym on March 9, 2006, at 0:13:49
In reply to Re: Thought for today...(About self image/self esteem), posted by TherapyGirl on March 8, 2006, at 19:20:07
I think it sounds an awful lot like being afraid to be happy, or proud of yourself. Because as sure as I'm standing here, the minute you are proud of yourself, someone will find a reason that you shouldn't be. So you find it first yourself. You don't allow things to be too good, nor too bad (which is good) only if good can't be good and bad is still bad...you ultimately lose.
It is a very hard thing to convenience yourself that you deserve to be proud of yourself for studying hard, or for identifying your own anxiety. It is almost like the class clown who is so quick to make jokes about himself so everyone else doesn't have to, because everyone else's jokes hurt too much. Better to hurt yourself.
It *is* ok to stop for a moment and be happy about that good grade. You can worry about the other midterm in 2 hours, ok?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.