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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 11:35:13
I have been doing some deep thinking about my marriage and I have come to some conclusions but I still have questions because I don't want to make the same mistake in a future relationship. Our 13th anniversay is coming up in a week, and my marraige has been on my mind.
I know my T will want to start to do the deeper work on my childhood abuse, but I haven't been thinking about that as much as about my marriage.
I keep going back to the beginning when I first met my DH at work. I wasn't physically attracted to him, but after I got to know him I liked him because he was so nice. We weren't close friends or anything but would talk sometimes in the lunch room. We were both in relationships at the time, him 1 year, me 3 yrs.
This went on for about 1 1/2 years. What I learned was he was dedicated to his job, was a "nice " guy who everyone liked.
Well I left the workplace and finally saw him again at my boyfriends performance about 2 years later. We discovered that I only lived 1 block from each other, so he offered to take me home from some of the gigs since it was very late and we both had to work. Well one thing led to another and we have been together since. I was in dead relationship at the time, so I ended it the moment I knew I wanted to be with my now husband. Things happened very fast from there.I met his kids, exwife, family and all seemed to be good. His kids came to visit everyother weekend, and at first I gave them their space until the kids wanted me to be around more. Well he asked me to marry him, and I was so happy. Then things started to go downhill because people realized that our relationship was for real. We are 23 years apart. Which didn't mean much to us, because we had so much in common. His kids felt threatened mainly due to his ex wife putting ideas into their head. But anyways things got very tense and I started to have second thoughts. It scared me so I told him I wanted to elope instead of having the big wedding that we were planning. I think my gut instinct was telling me it was wrong. And our marriage was very hard with the stepkids, inlaws, then our 2 kids were born a year apart. We worked throught most of the problems even though I ended up being hurt a lot of times.
I think when I look back on why I married him is because I trusted him not to physically hurt me. It was hard for me to trust anyone, and since i knew him for almost 4 years before we got together, it helped me trust him. Looking back, I am like what was I thinking? He was so much older than me, had 3 kids already, and 2 exwives, a controlling mother from hell. I just think if I knew what I was in for, and I wasn't so damaged from my past, I would have not even dated him. But I learned to love him and I gave him everything. I trusted him, I counted on him.
But now that is gone, I don't think I can ever trust him. I look at him and all I see is an old man who is turning 60 this year. I am only 37! I look at him and all I see is him and his woman he had an affair with. I don't want him to touch me, it makes me feel repulsed. He still hasn't taken any blood tests for STD's and he hasn't gone to counciling. He thinks buying a Dr. Phill book is good enough.
The only thing that is good is my wonderful kids that we have had together. But my heart is dead. I don't think I love him anymore because of what he did.
I think I should of dated more after I ended my 5 year relationship with that other guy. I got my husband on the rebond. I needed that sense of security that my husband used to provide. But now there is no trust.
If I had no kids, my choice would be I would leave in a heartbeat. I deserve better but I can't put my happiness above my kids. My husbnd is a wonderful father other than treating me poorly. So it really sucks.So I don't know what to do. I really belive I was a very good wife to him, a good mother, and a friend. So why did he cheat? I guess what I have concluded, is that it wasn't about me, I didn't do anything wrong, it was him. Someday he is going to realize that I was the best thing he ever had and that he screwed it up.
So I think this should be what I talk about in therapy, not my childhood , next week. 5 days until my anniversary and I feel very sad. We planted a tree in our front yard for our 10th anniversary, I feel like chopping the damn thing down. I am tired of looking at it, but it isn't the tree's fault.
Posted by LadyBug on September 12, 2006, at 14:51:14
In reply to My next T session topic about my marriage and life, posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 11:35:13
Happyflower
This is exactly what I'm talking about in therapy and it's hard and painful! I won't go into my details cuz I don't have the time right now. But it hurts to bring up all the things my husband has done that has hurt me. Cheating was one of the many things, along with drinking and drugs. I don't know why I've stayed. My husband is 58 right now, he's 9 1/2 years older than me and has a son too. I know all about the step son/ex wife crap. I am long past that stage by now as my step son just graduated from medical school in May of this year and is now doing his residency as a Dr. He didn't take after his loser dad that's for sure. I want out, and I'm slowly working on it. I haven't seen my T for almost 3 weeks because of scheduling problems. I'm going on Thurs. this week and I really don't want to waste it talking about my waste of a husband! I want to talk about my feelings I have for my T. I love her just as you love your T. Even though I don't have to deal with a sexual side of it? She's awesome and I miss our connection.
I do think your idea of talking about your marrigae is wonderful. It is where you are right now in your life and you and in the same boat as I am. I have 2 great daughters that are my life and my love. I'm grateful for them. They are awesome. They must take after me right?
I hope we can talk back and forth with each other, we have so much in common!!! It's amazing. I've been reading but not posting, the pain of my marriage is so great right now that I withdraw from people so I can't be hurt anymore. Crazy I know, but it's what I do to protect my little heart. Let me know what else your thinking. When do you see your T again.
Also, one person can't make the marriage work, it takes 2!!! I've tried for years, but my husband manages to screw everything up he comes in contact with!!! He's a piece of work!
LadyBug
Posted by daisym on September 12, 2006, at 16:26:32
In reply to Re: My next T session topic about my marriage and life, posted by LadyBug on September 12, 2006, at 14:51:14
I'm struck by you wanting to separate out talking about your marriage from your childhood abuse. And for good measure, I'll throw in your feelings about your therapist. In my experience, it is all so tightly rolled together that talking about one leads to the other and back again.
It sounds like you have a really good handle on the "why" you married your husband. The conflict you feel about what is good for your kids and what is good for you is clear. And that makes it a 1000 times harder because, imo, you must consider them in your decision. But your own unhappiness effects them. And the relationship you are modeling for them lays a framework for how they view relationships and marriage. So it isn't a simply thing - staying or going.
What I know is that I spent two years talking about all the problems in my life, stating often that I had no intention of leaving my marriage and trying very hard to find a way to make it better - I wanted to fix me so that I could tolerate the unhappiness. As we talked more and more about the abuse in my childhood, a pattern of relating and control emerged. And as I told the awful stories in detail and cried over all the things so long buried, I started to believe that I didn't deserve to be this unhappy.
My feelings for my therapist gave me strength and courage to make changes. He accepted them and agreed that I didn't deserve to be unhappy. He very, very gently showed me that my husband's behavior wasn't my fault...but that I was allowing it and making excuses for it. And my frustration about not getting what I wanted from my therapist made me look at what was missing in my life and that helped me get it together to leave as well.
I'm not saying that you should leave. I'm guess this is my long winded way of saying that talking about your past helps you figure out how to change your future. I'm a long way from done. I can't say I'm "happy" right now. But I'm not "unhappy" on a daily basis and certainly, I'm not being retraumatized. It is super hard to push yourself out of this ambiguous, do nothing state. It takes time and lots of support.
So talk about what you need/want to talk about at your next appointment. My guess is that it will all come up as it needs to.
I know the anniversery sadness feeling. I hope you get through it OK. Maybe your husband is sad too? Might be a good thing to talk to him about.
Good Luck.
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 17:47:36
In reply to Re: My next T session topic about my marriage and life, posted by LadyBug on September 12, 2006, at 14:51:14
Thank you Ladybug,
I have also felt that we have a lot of things in common too. I also try to hide when I am hurting, I even try to isolate from my T . He is seeing this pattern from me. But that one time I really needed him and he couldn't fit me in his schedule really hurt me and now I cancel the appointments because of some reason I don't want to feel like I can count on or depend on him. I guess it is kinda of backwards thinking. It is so hard to call him between appointments if I need another one, because I am afraid he won't have any openings, and it just hurts to be told no.
It sounds like your stepson is doing great in spite of his father. My stepkids are now mostly married, one is still in school , and I have stepgrandkids now. LOL I feel the same way about my two kids as you do about your daughters. They are what keep me going in this life.
I am glad you get to see your T this week, I don't see mine until Tuesday. I know what you mean about wasting your time talking about your DH, I feel that way too. But usually he helps solitify my feelings about it and validates me which feels great.
I enjoy talking to you, so anytime is good for me too! ;-) We can get through this.
Posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 17:55:36
In reply to Re: My next T session topic about my marriage and life, posted by daisym on September 12, 2006, at 16:26:32
Wow, daisy you sure understand what I am going through and that feels so nice to be understood.
I usually go into therapy knowing what I want to talk about, my T likes this about me, because I am taking control in therapy and working hard.But I see how all my problems are wound together. When you undo one knot, it changes other things too. I see my T in a week, 1 day after my anniversary, so I am sure it will be on my mind.
Beside he told me I already used the free pass last session of not talking about anything too hard, and just feeling good about my auditions, and progress. I was in such a good mood for a change and he didn't want to ruin it. So my next session will be back to work. LOL
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