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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by widget on October 4, 2007, at 9:40:52
I am having difficulty with my posts going through but here goes. I'll make it short as I'm in a major hurry. Problem: My therapist is out of town for 2 more weeks. My husband told me of a dinner we are invited to just a few days ago. It's in a nice resturant, etc. Sound good? Oh, I wish. There will be 20 people there; they either work with my husband or have some association with work.(like fund raising) I don't really know them and I've been around them before. My therapist would tell me to try to find someone I can relate to and hang out with them. Honestly, I cannot think of such a person (they do exist but not in this group). I feel so intimidated by these people. I spend most of my time trying to guess what the "right" thing would be to say and feeling like a phony. Yuck. And, either way, go or not, I feel like I lose. Although this is not rational, it's where I'm at. I'm working on it in therapy but the therapist is on vacation (and I was coping so well with his absence!) Any ideas, any input, please? Scared, Widget
Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2007, at 10:08:13
In reply to major social anxiety attack, posted by widget on October 4, 2007, at 9:40:52
While I'm not at all shy, I have relatively severe social anxiety. Going to functions at my son's school, particularly, is a nightmare for me.
I have to do these sort of things sometimes. It's much better if you have something you can focus on, like kids or dogs, but there are tricks to going about it otherwise.
If at all possible, I look for someone who looks as uncomfortable as I do, and think of myself as trying to help them feel more comfortable. Even in the most sophisticated groups of people, there are usually one or two that are also socially anxious. If you can get past the shininess of their appearance, it is sometimes detectable.
It's always easier when I'm with my husband. He's pretty much at ease socially. So I stick to him, laugh when everyone else does, and add a comment or two, safe at his side.
If you know anyone well enough to join their group, even on the periphery, that helps.
And restaurants sometimes aren't bad. If it's sit down, you only have to concentrate on the people immediately around you. If there's an extrovert or two in the group, you can sit quietly and enjoy them. Or concentrate on your food. Food also makes for easy conversational topics.
It's not fun for me. And I make sure I take an Advil first, or maybe even half a Klonopin. And I come away buzzy. But if you think of it as something you're doing for your husband, maybe that will see you through.
Do you feel comfortable with the clothing situation? That's always an area where I'm stuck. They all seem to shop at the same shops. And even if I shopped there, I would look completely different. But have your husband ok your ensemble beforehand. It's his group, and he really has the responsibility.
Posted by Dory on October 4, 2007, at 10:24:54
In reply to Re: major social anxiety attack » widget, posted by Dinah on October 4, 2007, at 10:08:13
if your husband wants you to go, then i think he has to bear some of the responsibility of seeing you through it. Stick with him and tell him he has to try to run interference for you.
i would normally say to go, because one can't run from things (or shouldn't), but in this case.. is it possible to just not go?
the best i can offer, from my own accute social anxiety, is to find as many ways as possible to ask other people questions... most people love to talk about themselves and it relieves them of having to come up with a topic or talk about one they don't know. Probe your husband for a few tidbits about various people.. who has been travelling and where, or who has had a family event.. or anything really. Then find them and ask.
one other thing.. it's a back door thing but do what you gotta do right? Make any and every interaction short... cut it short by excusing yourself by saying you have been feeling unwell all day, must be: something you ate/something going around/etc... say you need to go: to the restroom/get a tissue/take a pill/get some water/etc. You can get away with that over and over.
lastly.. your dude has to promise that the evening will be as short as possible and be willing to split if you give the signal you absolutely cannot do it any longer.
i hope this helps..
Posted by Poet on October 4, 2007, at 12:08:34
In reply to major social anxiety attack, posted by widget on October 4, 2007, at 9:40:52
Hi Widget,
Is it very important to your husband that you attend? I have social anxiety and my husband totally understands it if I say I don't want to go unless I absolutely have to. He feels the same way about any work related events I get stuck going to.
If you have to go, if there are long tables try to sit on the end- less interaction if nobody is next to you on one side. I always need to sit on the end. I hate round tables unless they aren't filled.
If you have any anti-anxiety meds take them. Clonazepam has gotten me through job interviews which can cause a complete panic attack.
I don't think you lose either way if you go or not, if not going means missing out on a good meal, but ending up with major anxiety it's not worth going.
Good luck.
Poet
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 16:10:17
In reply to major social anxiety attack, posted by widget on October 4, 2007, at 9:40:52
I haven't read the other replies widget, but my thot is...do you HAVE to go? Can you have a migraine? Or do you want to try and go?
I do much better these days cuz I been around people ALOT more these last year or so....and holy crap! they mostly OK! AND, all the stuff I used to think they was thinking wasn't so. And I am a bit strange...but people are OK with that mostly! And the ones that aren't...WHO CARES!
AND everyboddy got their sh*t. They all just hide it like everyboddy else.
So I don't goto social events, but not so much for fear now, as I just hate the surface interaction and stuff, its just not my thing.
I dunn o if this is useful.
I'm a bit all over right now.
M
Posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 12:13:39
In reply to Re: major social anxiety attack, posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 16:10:17
Widget, I understand too. I usually dissociate. It weird because my husband thinks I am the social butterfuly. But then I have this weird bold/me that takes over and it isn't me. It is like an alter-ego or something. It helps to get through the night but it is still exhausting. I will work myself up in a frenzy. Maybe if you have the anti-anxiety meds like someone suggested or a small glass of wine if that helps. But don't take too much. I have one friend that has done that, but the upside is her husband won't take her anymore but got really made at her. She was dancing on the tables at a really fancy dinner of all his bosses. She didn't know what their problems were as she thought she was a really good dancer, or course that was becausee she had by that time lots of glasses of wine. And by
now she wasn't nervous anymore. We laughed about it for months. Her husband didn't think it was funny because he worked for a bunch of stuffed shirts executives. He was an executive himself. She said you knew I had a social issue and you told me to have some wine. So it was kinda his fault anyway. LOL! I hope this funny story makes you laugh because I keep thinking about her dancing on tables at a dinner party in a fancy dress and I still laugh!!!!So if you do have some wine keep it to a small glass.........remember my friend Pam......rkontos
Posted by happyflower on October 5, 2007, at 18:21:48
In reply to Re: major social anxiety attack, posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 12:13:39
HOw did it go widget? I think you got a lot of good advice from everyone. I like what Muffy says, everyone has their sh*t, so you won't be alone. It does get easier each time you do it. I don't like big social events, but if I have to go, I just try to make the most of it. Stick by your hubby, that is what I would do if I actually liked my hubby. lol Good luck!
Posted by widget on October 8, 2007, at 10:06:10
In reply to Re: major social anxiety attack, posted by happyflower on October 5, 2007, at 18:21:48
Wow, thanks to everyone who advised me! This feels great. Everytime I tried to post this message, it didn't seem to go through which only added to my anxiety. Apparently, it did get posted. The irony is that my husband had a work emergency and couldn't go either! Wow, what a cool break. Anyway, the support I got (even though I'm learning about it later) feels wonderful. And the stories were great, like the wife who was dancing on tables! I bet she was a good dancer, too. Truly, thanks for being there. Sincerely, Widget
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