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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
I have to take a break from Babble. There are many threads I want to respond to right now and just can't. This week has been tough. I'm really struggling. Right now therapy, RL, and memories are colliding in a most unpleasant way. I can't explain it, not right now. My now-grown daughter was just asking me if I was OK. She said to me, "Mom, you never let on what's going on inside. (My sister) and I are concerned. The only signs of trouble we ever see in you are very subtle, but I think they are there now. We would really like to know that you are OK." I asked her, "OK in what way? You mean OK like are we OK? Or OK in that am I not feeling very good in my own life?" She said, "No, I think we are all OK. I just think you are a very private person and keep your sadness to yourself, and (my sister) and I want to help if we can and to know that you are OK." Well, this totally caught me off guard. I had spent my own childhood carrying my mom's drunken burdens, and I had made a vow to myself that I would *never, ever* burden my own kids with adult problems. And now they think I am too closed? They should only know. And what would I really feel comfortable telling them, anyway? Right now what is hurting me is an exacerbation of my "war wounds" by some RL situations - work, marriage. I'm having dissociative experiences, flashbacks, general sense of unreality, mood swings, depression - all of my psychiatric problems in technicolor this week. And I'm handling it as best I can, with my T. Maybe I can talk to my kids about work but the interpersonal stuff is just too, well, personal. My DH also wants me to disclose more. We just started couples counseling. He is away right now. In a very dark mood I emailed him and said, "Do you *really* want to know what is inside me? I don't think you do. It is very dark. I wouldn't, if I had a choice." Do these people, my family, my loved ones, *really* want to know what is inside of me?? I don't think they do. I have mostly been able to keep my darkness from them. They know it's there but it's not out there for them to deal with. (This is how, rsk, I can relate to you not telling your family anything, although I am not DID I think some things are similar.)
This week with my DH gone, I have been very, very tired. Only getting a few hours of sleep per night. Things feel rather chaotic around here, because I have felt so out of it and have not provided the usual framework. Other times my DH's been away, I've run a relatively well- functioning enterprise around here - people fed, bills paid, animals fed, not too chaotic. But this week, things were chaotic, no meals only leftovers, no cleaning, papers left unsigned, things left undone (animals always get fed, though - never let go of that; I'm an animal lover.) So this afternoon, I came back from work and cleaned everything up. I got it all together. Home looked nice to come home to again. And I realized that to my kids, this "chaos" is an occasional and temporary occurrence, maybe even feels fun because it is unusual. For me, chaos was how I grew up. What it was always like. That made me feel better, when I finally realized that at even at my very worst, I was only keeping pace with what was commonplace for me.
The difference between then and now is killing me, right now. I feel caught between two different realities, except that one is now and one is past. I have an extra meeting with my T tomorrow. There is more that I could write but I just can't anymore right now, I am really, really tired.
Posted by backseatdriver on December 11, 2008, at 20:25:53
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
lucie -
just wanted to say how much i value what you say here. you've gotten me out of a therapy pickle more than once, and i'm grateful. i hope you feel better soon, and that you are able to get some rest. i do a lot of "framework" stuff myself -- it is so very important to have a home that is nice to come home to when you did not have this as a child. but it can also be fatiguing. i hope your t can step up now, when you need him.
take care,
bsd
Posted by Partlycloudy on December 12, 2008, at 5:15:43
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
Take good care on your break.
You are valuable and will be missed.
pc
Posted by B2chica on December 12, 2008, at 8:46:12
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
First i would compare what you had to go through with your mom with your own children. i think they aren't viewing it as a burden, something they NEED to do. i think they are very caring loving children who care about their mother and needed to say something.
and as for what they can handle or what they want to hear. maybe discuss it with your T. and dont worry about what THEY want to hear. it's more a matter of what you feel you need or want to tell THEM...this is your stuff. and if not revealing it right now is best then dont feel pressured to do anything more. ok?
and about the 'leftovers, no cleaning"...etc.
well welcome to my home honey :^)
seriously though i have bouts, one week every dinner is new and exciting, house clean kiddo taken fully care of emotionally and physically.
other weeks, it's chicken nuggets or fish sticks, mac and cheese with hot dogs, or the like. and possibly even somewhat sticky floors...eww i know.
but i've learned to let my tide ebb and flow as i need.
i MUST take care of the emotional side first. if i'm healthy emotionally, i am MUCH better able to care properly for my familly. remember messy to you isn't necessarily a disaster area or hazardous. and as for food, as long as you are offering Something...i woudn't worry about it. heck half the time when you go all out they decide their not hungry and have two bites anyway right?
honestly somedays when i really bad off i just think, "well at least DD had two good meals at daycare today"...then i don't feel so guilty about the mac and cheese.i AM glad to hear you are meeting with T (well today).
maybe sifting some of this out with T will help ease you.
i'm so sorry things are so rough right now. but you are incredibly strong. just hang on to T and us! we'll make sure you get through it k?!be good to yourself.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2008, at 12:51:13
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
Lucie Lu, you take good care of yourself.
Its a rough time right now, but you will learn and grow from it.
As far as telling family what is inside...
I think its not black and white.
You can let them in a little.
But ya, the real bad dark stuff...I think that what T's are for.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on December 12, 2008, at 14:24:44
In reply to Re: Have to chill for a while... » lucie lu, posted by B2chica on December 12, 2008, at 8:46:12
Take care. Love Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on December 12, 2008, at 19:29:44
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
It's funny, but this came up in therapy this week, what to tell the kids and when.
So maybe this will make you feel better. I have one big secret--the CSA; and the family has another, about the murder of an innocent child by his own parent.
Now, my oldest son (20) knows about all of it. He knows about the homicide because he lived through the trial, etc. He never knew the child, but did know the person who committed the crime. I told him about my CSA his second year of college (or first, can't really remember). Turns out he already pretty much knew about it. No details; I didn't go into them. He was relieved that I told him, and it has brought us closer together, although we've always been very close. It just helps him understand me better, and he is running into girls at college who have experienced the same sort of thing. So I think I help him too to understand.
My teenage daughter, again, knows about the second thing because she too had to experience the trials. Never knew the child. She knew about it since she was young in school because all the parents and teachers were gossiping about it, so it was important for her to know the truth. Unfortunately, it has scarred her, and I think she's afraid of boys partly because of this.
My DD needs to know the first secret, and she probably has a decent idea about it, w/books I try to hide, etc., noticing that i've been in therapy for a while, no pix of my father in the house, etc. But when do I tell her? I think it's a big thing between us, and she's angry that I haven't told her, but now, at Christmas, is not the time. But my T brought up telling her this week (not to tell her this week, but brought it up). Maybe next summer, too, but I'm not sure if she does need to know yet.
My youngest knows nothing. He needs to know the family secret, and I guess I will probably tell him next summer, when he's around a lot, and not worried about school, etc. He's a long ways off from needing to know about the first.
Like you, I don't want to burden my children, but there is a sense of relief for them when they know, I think, because it helps them understand better.
Your daughters sound like they need to know because they want to understand. They probably have a pretty good idea already (kids are way too intuitive these days). But that doesn't mean they need to know details. I tell only my T and pdoc the details. My husband knows that the csa "happened" to me, but he doesn't want to know any details whatsoever. He can't handle it.
So think about talking to your daughters, a little.
Take care, please, and we'll miss you lots.
XXX OOO
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on December 14, 2008, at 11:11:31
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
Posted by JayMac on December 14, 2008, at 16:48:37
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
This is the end of the thread.
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