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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
Hi everyone! I'm new here, and just wanted to ask a quick question.
I have a hard time starting to speak in therapy session. I'm never sure where to start, and it always just comes out as a 'laundry list' of activities I've had during the week - "i went to dinner with my mom yesterday... i saw my brother's baseball game..." This is not effective therapy.. at least that's what my therapist tells me.
If you could please just share the first few words that you usually start a session with, I think it could really help me.
Should I be starting with things like "today I feel..." or "last session we discussed..." I just can't seem to get the ball rolling, and unfortunately, my T is all about it being MY session and she shouldn't be the one leading it.
~ Kenya
Posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2009, at 12:38:19
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
Not in theraphy anymore didn't work out for me. But to me why should there be a correct way to start theraphy. I have always felt the therapist should lead the discussion to find out the problem. That's my feeling. Love Phillipa and welcome to babble!!!!
Posted by backseatdriver on March 30, 2009, at 13:40:29
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2009, at 12:38:19
"I have no idea how to start this session..." is one of my favorites. Also "I have no agenda for today," which usually means I do indeed have an agenda -- I just don't know what it is yet. :) Welcome to Babble!
--BSD
Posted by vwoolf on March 30, 2009, at 14:11:08
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
For some strange reason, I usually go to therapy with a clear agenda but when I get there it seems unimportant, I feel a HUGE resistance to talking about the things that feel really important.
We have both discovered that if I can get her to talk about something in her life, i.e. disclose something, it is easier for me to work my way into talking about the things that are important to me. It is easier to trust her.
But then my t is prepared to do that. Not all are, and my t is not alwys prepared to do that. Nor am I always prepared to give her the space.
Otherwise, I find it is best if I fall silent, feel about inside myself to where my resistances are, then force myself to start talking about that - what I don't want to say, why I don't want to say it.
It is very hard.
But over the years I have found it the most fruitful way to proceed, to push against what comes most naturally. If something feels too comfortable, if I begin to feel strong, then I know I am repeating old patterns and it is not going to be helpful.
Uncertainty is usually the best way to go.
But it is also the hardest.
I hope you find the courage to stay with the uncertainty. It has worked for me, and I am now in the termination phase of therapy.
And that is hard too. Perhaps the hardest thing of all.
Posted by DAisym on March 30, 2009, at 15:32:41
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by vwoolf on March 30, 2009, at 14:11:08
I think it would be a good discussion to say to your therapist, "starting is hard for me. I'd like more help with that. I know it this is my therapy but can't we work together on this?" It seems to me that you are paying her to help you. Is she really that concerned about who talks that she'll let it impede the session?
I would mention how it makes you stressed and about wasting time and money by struggling with the opening. It would be easy to get fixed in a power battle around this. Some of the "rules" of therapy are more flexible than others.
Often my therapist opens with, "so how are you?" or he'll say, "are you writing? What are you writing about?" These get us to the important stuff usually pretty quickly.
But I agree with everyone else, there are no real right or wrong ways to start. My son's therapist has said, "imagine you are driving home - what are you going to wish you'd said." I thought that was a clever opening or way to break a silence.
Good luck and welcome to Babble.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 30, 2009, at 15:38:56
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
Hi, Kenya...and welcome!
I don't think your therapist should have said what she did (sounds judgemental to me).....You should feel comfortable enough to say anything that comes into your head, and SHE is the professional, and should know how to guide the conversation into ways which will assist you in bringing up whatever you need to.
My t and I always start with: Hello, how are you? That is a good start in ANY situation.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 16:38:31
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by DAisym on March 30, 2009, at 15:32:41
Thanks for the responses!
I think the problem is that she meets me in the waiting room then asks "how are you" as we're walking to her office. I usually just say "fine, thanks, how are you?" and she says "fine"...and I guess once we get to the office, that sort of small talk is already over. Then we sit down and I'm like... "ummmmmm.... I don't know where to start"... and she says something like "Well, it's your session, start wherever you want."
After that point, everything gets kinda blurry and there's so much I need to be talking about, but like I said before, it just becomes a list of things I've done in the time between sessions.
I can't seem to just open my mouth and say things like "I hate myself this week" or "I don't think these nightmares will ever stop"... I feel like we need to get into the session more before it gets that serious. Is that typical?
Kenya
Posted by seldomseen on March 30, 2009, at 16:41:34
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
Welcome to babble Kenya!
For me, even after all this time, there still can be some stammering and chit-chat before I get to therapy. I think it is like I have to warm up to him again prior to us working together. Sort of re-establishing that he is a safe person.
Of course, I chit-chatted for years before I could even consider that he was safe, now a few moments at the beginning of the session is nothing.
SOmetimes, post chit-chat my therapist will ask me "what has been getting the most air time recently" as in what have I been thinking about the most. An honest answer to that question always seems to lead me to understanding myself better and lightens whatever it is that I am carrying around.
Maybe you could ask yourself that question?
Seldom.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 30, 2009, at 19:11:48
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 16:38:31
I'm both a client and and a therapist, so I can answer your question "from both sides of the couch." I think it is very common to talk about "unimportant" things to warm up. Really, it all is important in one way or another. It helps your T to have a little context for what is happening in your life. I think when your T said that it wasn't therapy, she was cautioning against spending the whole hour recounting your week.
I liked your idea about starting the session "Today I feel..." Why not try it and tell us how it goes?
Above all, remember what your T said--it's your session. There is no right or wrong way to start. Whatever you do, it's important that you feel that it is helpful. And you feel safe and comfortable.
Best,
EE
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2009, at 20:38:33
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 16:38:31
See, I'd find your therapist's approach guaranteed to close me up like a clam. That may be just me, but when I'm pressured to perform I can't.
With my therapist, I'd then focus on the immediate feelings. "I'm finding it difficult to find a way to start off the session." Then something built on that like "Before I come, I have a general idea of what is bothering me, but when I get here, I can't think of a way to introduce it." or "Once I sit down, everything flees my mind." Whatever is accurate.
There are ways to figure out what to say. You could write things down in a list, and choose a likely one to start the session. But I'm sort of getting that the problem isn't so much that you need a topic as you need to warm up a bit with your therapist, and she keeps ping ponging things back to you.
It is your session, and it is your responsibility to guide it. But it's her responsibility to facilitate it. To make it easier for you to discuss what's on your mind.
My therapist believes in the client driven session too. But he's willing to work with me. I've found the words "I'm not finding it useful when you...." very useful indeed. I've said "I hate it when you ask what do I want to talk about today. It makes my brain freeze." or "When you sit and look at me expectantly, every single thought exits my brain. And I feel a strong pressure inside to sit there until you say something." I'm not saying that you'd say what I'd say, because I'm known to be a bit stubborn and contrary. But the point is that saying anything at all depends on a rapport between you and your therapist. Or at least it does for some people. If she's making you feel pressured or put on the spot, I'm thinking that's a therapeutic issue because fixing that will help facilitate deeper therapeutic interaction.
Now, as for my actual answer. My therapist and I have worked out long ago that he should say nothing at all to me in that long trek down the hall. Because in the hall, he's not my *Therapist*. When the door closes, and he sits down and looks at me expectantly, these days I ask him how he's doing and if there's anything he needs to tell me. It's a ritual for us, after too many times of him letting me know our next session is cancelled because he'll be out of town right before I walk out the door at the end of session. That wasn't acceptable to me.
Do you generally feel comfortable with your therapist? Do you feel that she is responsive to your concerns?
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 30, 2009, at 20:47:44
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
"I've got nothing," is a frequent starter for me. And of course it couldn't be further from the truth. But that usually cues my T to start with something and then it gets easier for me.
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2009, at 10:45:26
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
hi kenya and welcome.
there are a bunch of great folks here to help out regarding thearpy.i'm not sure how long you've been in therapy, i'm guessing not that long.
but when i first started, i got some great advice from someone here. he told me that there are three stages when you go to therapy:
1.you talk about what you want to talk about
2.you talk about what you dont want to talk about
3.you talk about what you didn't even know was inside.each stage goes at it's own pace and only you will know when you're ready to move on.
until then sometimes things are just hard to say. maybe try writing them down and either reading them in session or having T read them.
talk about what has upset you within the last week, people, situations, work, family etc.and when i would have something that was hard to get out. sometimes that's exactly what i would talk about. tell T you have something you want to talk about but cant get it out. sometimes talking about why its hard to talk about can be just as helpful as talking about it. and then next time, maybe you can get it out.
i hope some of this helps or encourages you.
but i think the main thing about therapy is its a HUGE level of trust, something most people in therapy DONT have a lot of. so its hard to talk about stuff with someone you dont know that well. first build the relationship. then deal with what you can together.Best Wishes!
b2c.
p.s. starting off:this week i got so upset when....
this week i felt bad about...
this week i'm scared about...
this week ______made me feel hurt, and how.and if it's easier, start of with the GOOD things that happened that week. Therapy doesn't have to be ALL about bad stuff!
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 12:32:02
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by TherapyGirl on March 30, 2009, at 20:47:44
> "I've got nothing," is a frequent starter for me.
Okay so this is too funny. I started my last session with those exact words. She just raised her eyebrow in doubt... she clearly didn't believe me. I think I'm going to have to get her to help me.. last session somewhere in the middle I got stuck and she said "ugh, okay do you want me to save you?".. and I said yes, and she said "fine.. what are you doing this weekend". You know, as I write that, I'm starting to think she's not a very good therapist... maybe I should re-evaluate.
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 12:34:03
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by seldomseen on March 30, 2009, at 16:41:34
Thanks! This is really helpful. I like the idea of "airtime". I just have to find which "channel" I should start with. It's like having every station of satellite cable all going at once in there.
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 12:37:21
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 30, 2009, at 19:11:48
Thank you Emily. Wow what perspective being from both sides. That's fantastic. I studied psychology in college but never went for my MFT license. I think the safe and comfortable thing is what I struggle with most. I just don't trust anyone, and it's hard for me to be put on the spot. I just freeze up. I'll try the "Today I feel" thing and keep you posted. I have a session tonight.- Kenya
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 12:46:04
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2009, at 20:38:33
> Do you generally feel comfortable with your therapist? Do you feel that she is responsive to your concerns?I'm working on getting more comfortable with her, but it's hard. I have a really hard time trusting anyone and she seems to want to get straight to the hard stuff. I feel a LOT of pressure when I'm in that room. It takes everything I have not to get up and run out (which I have actually done, but only once so far).
I like that you ask your T if there's anything he needs to tell you. I wonder what mine would do if I said something like that. I hope I find a routine that works for me like yours does. Right now it all just feels very... unorganized? I think that's the right word for it. On some level I think it should be that way, but I would like to have at least a little more structure going into it.
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate you sharing this with me.
- Kenya
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 12:51:21
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by B2chica on March 31, 2009, at 10:45:26
Hi B2Chica,
I've been in therapy for about 4 months now, twice a week. Those three stages really help to put this into perspective. I am definitely still in the first stage - talking about what I want to talk about, but I think my therapist has me in the second stage of talking about what I don't want to talk about. Hmmm maybe that's the problem. We're on 2 different pages - 2 different stages (hey look I'm a poet).
I will try starting off with good stuff. Maybe that will make me more comfortable at the beginning so I can move into the "This week I'm scared about..." I like that one ;)
Thank you for your help. I'm looking forward to trying this at my session tonight.
- Kenya
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 31, 2009, at 13:52:35
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
Hi, Kenya: How about writing things down during the week, and then shortly before your session, write or circle the ones that are really important?!
I feel messages are good......
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 15:09:28
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by sassyfrancesca on March 31, 2009, at 13:52:35
> Hi, Kenya: How about writing things down during the week, and then shortly before your session, write or circle the ones that are really important?!
>
> I feel messages are good......
>
> Hugs, SassyThanks Sassy,
That's a great idea. I write a lot. I wish I could speak in therapy the way I do in writing. I tried bringing in something I wrote once for my therapist to read, and she made me read it out loud which I think is even worse than not being able to come up with things to say!
I think having a running list will help.. especially because I have a memory problem most of the time :/
- Kenya
Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2009, at 17:45:11
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 16:38:31
Kenya,
Do like I do. I said I have nothing to talk about. When I said that man o man it was the beginning of the best session. Afterwards, my therapist said well I hope you have nothing to talk about new week.
It was like a dam bursting when I said I nothing to talk about. My t picked up the ball and ran with it so to speak and I became Chatty Cathy.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2009, at 18:59:32
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » sassyfrancesca, posted by Kenya on March 31, 2009, at 15:09:28
Kenya,
If my therapist, who I have brought things in and let him read it, asked me to read it outloud I would not do it. But he knows when to push and when not too.
Good luck with your session
rsk
Posted by obsidian on April 1, 2009, at 22:04:36
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
I don't know what the f*ck is going on.....
I just can't take it....
hello, how are you?...
I'm not sure what to talk about...
This week was really rough...
silence....there's something I need to talk about this week
I'm feeling really anxious....on edge
I am so tired...
Posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 10:03:03
In reply to First 3 words in a session?, posted by Kenya on March 30, 2009, at 11:34:00
I don't have any concrete phrases to offer, but just a thought:
I have the same problem--I'm mute for at least the first ten minutes. It's because I don't trust that when my therapist says, "how are you?" or "what's going on?" it's any different from the casual "hey, how are you?" I get from the clerk at the grocery store. In other words, I doubt she really wants to know and I wait for some sign that she does. Once she hits it, we have a good session. If she doesn't, we don't.
Is it possible you can be harboring those doubts yourself and that's what's hindering your beginnings?
Posted by Kenya on April 6, 2009, at 13:57:53
In reply to Re: First 3 words in a session? » Kenya, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2009, at 17:45:11
After my T rescheduling 3 different times last week (she was sick), I finally saw her on Saturday. It didn't go so well. She was very critical and kind of mean, actually. She asked me about my pdoc appt, and I told her about it, then she was correcting me because she works at the pdoc's office and he already told her everything I said. I didn't like that much, and I'm horrible with confrontation, so I just slammed shut. I didn't need to start talking about anything because I didn't want to talk to her at all anymore. I'll start a new post about this because there are some weird things she did that I don't think are normal.
Thank you all again for your help. I made a list of all your suggestions and it will be coming with me to my sessions from now on!
I think I'm going to like it here on Babble. You guys are awesome.
~ Kenya
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2009, at 20:23:16
In reply to Thanks Everyone - Here's what happened.., posted by Kenya on April 6, 2009, at 13:57:53
> After my T rescheduling 3 different times last week (she was sick), I finally saw her on Saturday. It didn't go so well. She was very critical and kind of mean, actually. She asked me about my pdoc appt, and I told her about it, then she was correcting me because she works at the pdoc's office and he already told her everything I said. I didn't like that much, and I'm horrible with confrontation, so I just slammed shut. I didn't need to start talking about anything because I didn't want to talk to her at all anymore. I'll start a new post about this because there are some weird things she did that I don't think are normal.
>
> Thank you all again for your help. I made a list of all your suggestions and it will be coming with me to my sessions from now on!
>
> I think I'm going to like it here on Babble. You guys are awesome.
>
> ~ KenyaHi & welcome Kenya.
I am appalled that your pdoc repeated what you said. I haven't read any replies to your initial post, but I thought that what goes on between doc & patient is confidential except when T might 'debrief' with his/her supervisor!
I don't like the "feel" of this therapist at ALL. She doesn't sound kind. I would not feel 'safe' with her at all.
I don't see why she couldn't kindly say, 'well this is your therapy & I want it to be about you...is there anything that you'd like to talk about, or have my input about?' or something like that.
I have started therapy sessions all different kinds of ways depending on how I'm feeling:
- babbling on & on about a whole bunch of things that have happened in no particular order; sometimes interrupting myself- telling about something that is bothering me - telling about the event in great detail - even 'he said.... & then I said.... & then he said.... & then I felt really mad & said..."
- some of the very best sessions seem to just 'happen' on days when I go & don't have anything particular to deal with! This has happened often.
To me, gentle kindness is very important. I'm looking forward to your post where you tell about things that just don't seem right to you.
I think that just because someone is a therapist (or pdoc, or medical doc, or landscaper, or whatever) - it doesn't mean that they are necessarily a good 'fit' for us.
On the other hand, I once went to a therapist who I did NOT like. He was very clinical & sort of cold - in a detached way. But he was not unkind, and I did learn some good things from him.
He knew before I had a clue, that my 'artistic' side was crying to be let free!!! He recommended "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron way before I began doing pottery. I looked at it in the store & thought 'no way this is for me'....yet a few years later, I was doing pottery & subsequently got the book & it certainly WAS for me!! I saw him about 5 years later in Chapters & went up to him & told him that he knew before I did, that I was an artist! He was sort of taken aback & laughed!
Sorry to get 'babbling' but I guess I have permission, since it IS called PsychoBabble LOL
Anyway, I'm glad you're 'here'.
:-)) Kath
PS - there'd also be nothing wrong with once you're in the office to say, "Ya know I said I was fine & how were you, but actually, I'm feeling (whatever)"
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