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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 11:54:25
He only responds to other people, not me. Why?
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2009, at 12:32:30
In reply to I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-(, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 11:54:25
He's only posting to one thread. And only to some aspects of one thread. I doubt he's reading the rest of admin.
Deneb, you just recently posted that you thought you were getting over your Bob-love. Was that scary to you? Whenever I feel like I might not need my therapist anymore, and forever therapy might not be what I want, I often feel a reflexive wave of attachment at the idea of "losing" him. And it is a loss. A major one. It doesn't matter that my "dependence" on my therapist and his importance to me has always been largely a product of my own wants and needs and projections onto him. It is still real to me, and still an important feature on my inner landscape.
It's ok to get scared as you feel less attached. It's scary to not be attached. It feels much much better to feel attachment for people who are important to us, even if they aren't entirely "real" to others. At least not as they are inside. It's lonely to let that go.
But it's likely a good idea to keep one eye on what you are doing, and why. Metacognition is it?
Posted by raisinb on April 16, 2009, at 13:49:24
In reply to I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-(, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 11:54:25
Hey Deneb--
It seems like your feelings about Dr. Bob are really interfering with your functioning and your progress. Do you have a therapist to talk to to process this stuff? It sounds important.Also, nobody here wants to see you go, but if you continue to feel this bad, maybe it would be a good idea to take a Babble break so you didn't get triggered by Dr. Bob's behavior?
I wish you the best and lots of hugs.
--raisin
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 14:11:55
In reply to Re: I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-( » Deneb, posted by raisinb on April 16, 2009, at 13:49:24
You're right Dinah. Maybe Dr. Bob isn't purposefully avoiding me at all. Maybe he is just being Bob.
I felt kind of depressed. I went to work only to decide that I couldn't function today. What the heck, I am getting laid off in June anyways and I've already gotten my raise and last performance review, I don't need perfect reliability.
I had scary thoughts of ODing while on the bus. I dunno what is wrong with me. :-(
I thought maybe I should just take all of my propranolol. I have no idea what that would do, it probably won't kill me though. My pdoc knows my tendencies to OD. I bet she wouldn't give me anything terribly dangerous.
Anyways, I don't want to get sick. I feel a bit better now.
I will be OK. I am at the Uni library right now. I have to stay here and pretend to be at work.
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 14:52:58
In reply to Re: I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-( » Deneb, posted by raisinb on April 16, 2009, at 13:49:24
Yeah, I have a therapist, my pdoc.
I see her every week. She knows about all this stuff. She is trying to help me build a relationship with my father because she seems to think my attachment to Dr. Bob is really a subconscious yearning for a closer relationship with my father.
I am not sure about that though.
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2009, at 15:48:22
In reply to Re: I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-(, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 14:11:55
I think if you're afraid you might act on your urges, you need to call your pdoc. That's what she's there for. If you really think you will, she'd rather you call her than act on your urges. I guarantee it.
You've had a big change in your life. I know this job might not have been your dream vocation. But you did well, had a sense of accomplishment, and were pretty stable. You got lots of good feedback. I'm sure it has a lot of positive associations in your mind.
You haven't seemed all that visibly upset about it, but is it possible that your feelings about your job ending are coming out in other places? Jut as your stress over exams used to come out as a desire to OD?
I'm not an expert of any sort on the subject, but I notice that in general when you're upset you often quickly become not upset. Of course it's possible that those are mood swings. But is it also possible that you separate yourself from anger or fear or anxiety? That's something I do a lot. I'm a bit more aware of it now, which helps a lot. I can be really upset about something then suddenly... I'm not upset. Except that I really still am upset of course. I've just separated the upset from my conscious mind.
But upset can't really be ignored. It comes out all over the place. And overall I find it's better to actually be upset about the thing I'm upset about than to fuel the obsessions with all the fear and anger I've disowned.
But that's me. It may be different for you.
If you really really leave yourself open to the possibility, are you afraid about losing your job? Are you furious that after all your hard work, you'll be forced from it when that isn't your choosing? Are you angry that not as many Babblers seem to be coming to San Francisco than it had appeared, after you had invested in the trip? Are you angry that your dad said you graduated? Are you angry with your mom and sister for their many instances of insensitivity and unkindness? Are you afraid of leaving the stability of your job?
Those are all some pretty big things to be upset about. And oddly enough, I sometimes find that obsessing about horrible things is easier to bear than thinking about my life.
I think if I were you I'd be in some serious need of nurturing and care. I'd want to be taken care of. And I might have some notion that people will care about me more if I'm in danger. Like on In Treatment, when Paul seemed far more interested in his patient once she found out she had a potentially fatal illness.
I am very lucky to have someone, more than one someone really, in my life that I can turn to and say "I'm feeling really rotten. I need a hug." I know not everyone has that. I think Babble is a place where you *can* say that. Even when things are slowish as they are now. There will be people who would respond to that.
I could be all wet, but I thought I'd offer whatever thoughts I had, in case any might strike a chord and be helpful.
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 16:30:24
In reply to Re: I think Dr. Bob is avoiding me :-( » Deneb, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2009, at 15:48:22
> I think if you're afraid you might act on your urges, you need to call your pdoc. That's what she's there for. If you really think you will, she'd rather you call her than act on your urges. I guarantee it.
I won't act on my urges. I just googled propranolol toxicity and it is the most toxic of the beta blockers so it is not so benign after all. I don't want to die.
> You've had a big change in your life. I know this job might not have been your dream vocation. But you did well, had a sense of accomplishment, and were pretty stable. You got lots of good feedback. I'm sure it has a lot of positive associations in your mind.
Yeah, it is not my dream job, but I am very good at my job, even got promoted. That didn't work out since I decided being supervisor was too stressful, but I think my job helps my self esteem.
>
> You haven't seemed all that visibly upset about it, but is it possible that your feelings about your job ending are coming out in other places? Jut as your stress over exams used to come out as a desire to OD?Yes, it is possible. You have a lot of insight Dinah. I felt a twinge of emotion as I read your post. Maybe my subconscious knows you are right. Just like how my pdoc triggers me to cry sometimes when she tries to figure me out. I have no idea why I cry, I just do. Wow, emotions are getting stronger now, tearing up. You may be onto something.
> I'm not an expert of any sort on the subject, but I notice that in general when you're upset you often quickly become not upset. Of course it's possible that those are mood swings. But is it also possible that you separate yourself from anger or fear or anxiety? That's something I do a lot. I'm a bit more aware of it now, which helps a lot. I can be really upset about something then suddenly... I'm not upset. Except that I really still am upset of course. I've just separated the upset from my conscious mind.
>
> But upset can't really be ignored. It comes out all over the place. And overall I find it's better to actually be upset about the thing I'm upset about than to fuel the obsessions with all the fear and anger I've disowned.
>
> But that's me. It may be different for you.
>
> If you really really leave yourself open to the possibility, are you afraid about losing your job? Are you furious that after all your hard work, you'll be forced from it when that isn't your choosing? Are you angry that not as many Babblers seem to be coming to San Francisco than it had appeared, after you had invested in the trip? Are you angry that your dad said you graduated? Are you angry with your mom and sister for their many instances of insensitivity and unkindness? Are you afraid of leaving the stability of your job?I think I am probably upset, afraid, and angry about all those things. It's just I don't feel them. I think you are right in that it may be coming out in other ways.
>
> Those are all some pretty big things to be upset about. And oddly enough, I sometimes find that obsessing about horrible things is easier to bear than thinking about my life.
>
> I think if I were you I'd be in some serious need of nurturing and care. I'd want to be taken care of. And I might have some notion that people will care about me more if I'm in danger. Like on In Treatment, when Paul seemed far more interested in his patient once she found out she had a potentially fatal illness.That makes a lot of sense Dinah.
>
> I am very lucky to have someone, more than one someone really, in my life that I can turn to and say "I'm feeling really rotten. I need a hug." I know not everyone has that. I think Babble is a place where you *can* say that. Even when things are slowish as they are now. There will be people who would respond to that.I think I am doing better than previously, in term of my borderline behaviours, but I still have to work on things. I think you may be onto something big with the people will care more if I am in danger bit, that makes a lot of sense.
I'm glad I recognize that I don't actually want to die. I'm glad you're not scared off my me Dinah. I hope I haven't scared Dr. Bob if he has read any of my posts. If so, I am very sorry.
I will make an effort to talk about what is really bothering me instead of obsessing over my destructive thoughts.
>
> I could be all wet, but I thought I'd offer whatever thoughts I had, in case any might strike a chord and be helpful.It did strike a cord Dinah. Thank-you.
Posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 0:09:59
In reply to Re: I think you may be onto something » Dinah, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 16:30:24
I am not too sure what is going on, but I am not at peace. I feel strange. Like I can't get enough attention, feel like throwing tantrum but am suppressing the urge.
What can I do to get rid of this feeling?
Posted by SLS on April 17, 2009, at 7:27:18
In reply to I can't be at peace, posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 0:09:59
> I am not too sure what is going on, but I am not at peace. I feel strange. Like I can't get enough attention, feel like throwing tantrum but am suppressing the urge.
>
> What can I do to get rid of this feeling?You must first own the feeling. It is real and it is yours. Now, what are you going to do about it? It will continue to be there, no matter how hard you try to suppress it or compartmentalize it. You can't simply make it disappear. You must take some kind of action to work through it. Performing mental gymnastics without a coach and spotter is dangerous.
Dearest Deneb, I don't know your history, but if you don't currently have a psychotherapist, I strongly urge you to get one. In my opinion, you have much work to do. You are not going to get it done here at Psycho-Babble.
Remember what I said about anger, anxiety, and suicide. Please reread all of my posts along your threads.
I am not convinced that you are in a safe place to go to SF. You don't have to jump off a bridge to self-destruct.
How do you intend to "have fun" in SF?
- Scott
Posted by SLS on April 17, 2009, at 15:17:57
In reply to I can't be at peace, posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 0:09:59
Dear Deneb,
You might not like my posts to you. That's okay, though. Just know that I mean well.
I can't help to ask you about something I'm sure you have already written about. Has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (what a terrible label) been suggested to you?
I am really concerned about you.
- Scott
Posted by Nadezda on April 17, 2009, at 16:38:09
In reply to Re: I can't be at peace » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 17, 2009, at 15:17:57
As Dinah pointed out, Deneb, there are a lot of changes in your life
But is it possible that the prospect of going to SF and seeing Bob is making you feel less stable, and bringing up a lot of intense needs and also fears?
I know for me, seeing someone who is so important to my fantasy life--and about whom I have a lot of feelings without a solid everyday relationship-- is often very destabilizing. Maybe this would be an time to work as much as possible on your issues with your father and Bob with your T.
Nadezda
Posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 18:47:22
In reply to Re: I can't be at peace » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 17, 2009, at 7:27:18
I just planned some more for my trip. I am getting excited about it and looking forward to it.
Last night was scary, I got in a bad way, but I am OK now. I am going to have on my own.
I arrive Thurs. May 14 in the afternoon. I already paid for a shuttle to my hotel. Then I am going to the California Academy of Sciences for their NightLife thing. I just bought tickets. It will be fun. I won't be alone in my hotel room with nothing to do.
Then on Friday I am going on a shuttle tour of SF and Muir Woods. That will take up my whole day so I won't be alone. That just leaves dinner where I will be alone. I will find a nice place to eat near my hotel since Dr. Bob will not have dinner with me on Friday night. At least I assume so since he has ignored me.
On Saturday I will be with a Babbler and that night we will have dinner with Dr. Bob. I still need to figure out things to do during the day Sat.
Then on Sun, I and two other Babblers will go on a 5 and a half hour tour of Alcatraz and Angel Island. That will take up most of the day. I hope we will have dinner together.
Then Mon. I will be alone again. I need to figure out something to do on Monday.
Tues. I will be alone for the first part of the day before I leave for the airport.
I think I will be OK as long as I fill up my days with things to do.
I am looking forward to it now. :-)
I will be ok.
Posted by Sigismund on April 17, 2009, at 19:35:43
In reply to Having fun in SF » SLS, posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 18:47:22
>I and two other Babblers will go on a 5 and a half hour tour of Alcatraz and Angel Island.
Good idea. That's what I'd do.
Port Arthur was the penal colony in Tasmania. It's really beautiful with sandstone buildings, reformitories, punishment cells. You can sit in the isolation cells (which I did) where they kept people for 6 months in the dark with food and water provided and waste taken away. No light. It was a humanitarian improvement on what went on before, so they say, and people came out much more cooperative, like with ECT. All these young people, mostly men, dead at the age of 26.
I read that at Alcatraz they kept them well fed and underexercised to make the swim difficult.
Posted by SLS on April 17, 2009, at 20:44:07
In reply to Having fun in SF » SLS, posted by Deneb on April 17, 2009, at 18:47:22
> I am looking forward to it now. :-)
>
> I will be ok.Well, you have certainly given more thought to and performed more planning for the SF trip than I thought you had. It sounds very healthy. Fun even...
:-)
I am going to say a prayer for you that you have fun and go home feeling refreshed and sanguine about your experiences in SF. I wish you all the best.
:-)
- Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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