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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by psych chat on October 14, 2009, at 23:04:23
I don't remember most of my childhood. My siblings are a mess..resulting from the abuse/neglect in how we grew up I suppose...Our parents are messed up...
So I always wanted to know how I became the most sane and productive person in my family. Now I'm starting to think that perhaps it's because I have a huge disassociation problem.
It seems I became a different person in my mid teens through early adulthood. Someone who didn't have many issues or emotional problems...until my 30s.
Not too long ago, I experienced a massive abreaction in response to a psychoanalyst who had some quality that triggered this (in addition to his aggressive techniques).
There is really no rational explanation for how I know this - but after the flooding of dreams, images, emotions in my mind after that T, I feel I am now the "self" I used to be during my mid-teen years. Yet, I still don't have access to the memories of how or who I was during childhood...just some emotions, pictures, etc. that somehow rapidly flooded my consciousness..I have not been the same person since.
Also since that T, I have begun to experience disassociation in therapy, since that abreaction. I don't recall ever doing this in my lifetime. In fact, I just found out what this feeling was, after having posted here. The floating feeling, the slowing of time, etc.
I have read about DID or MPD...am wondering if that's the reason for this situation and if that would explain how my memories were erased. I"m confused and not sure what to do. I have a T to discuss this with. I'm not sure he is that familiar with this issue, but I'll find out soon.
This is really scary.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 15, 2009, at 19:03:26
In reply to dissociation mpd did etc..., posted by psych chat on October 14, 2009, at 23:04:23
It may not be that your memories were erased, but that they were never formed. I also don't remember most of my childhood or early adolescence. My T said that I probably never will, because memories are stored with affects (I felt happy, sad, etc) and when you repress emotions to get through a F**ed up childhood, you don't form that sort of memory. I have years of my life that I don't remember. Maybe I dissociated then, but I know I don't now. I remember everything in my life since I was a young adult and met my husband.
Posted by psych chat on October 15, 2009, at 20:11:14
In reply to Re: dissociation mpd did etc..., posted by emmanuel98 on October 15, 2009, at 19:03:26
Thanks, Emmanuel, for sharing with me....
Yes it sucks to have that anmensia. It makes me feel older than i am; after all, if parts are missing from my life, doesn't that indicate I've lived 'less time' than I actually have? Do you feel that way - a sense of running out of time? Uck..
I spoke with my PDoc about this today, and he said what I experience is depersonalization, a type of anxiety, rather than dissocation. He also told me it probably occurs now becaues last PDoc tore down my defenses. It all makes sense.
I guess I'm not as bad off as I thought I was though. This is just me, sans defense mechanisms, I guess, and I have to work through it to become healthy again.
Take care, Emmanuel.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 15, 2009, at 20:21:47
In reply to Re: dissociation mpd did etc..., posted by psych chat on October 15, 2009, at 20:11:14
I guess I've always felt somewhat younger, since my life as I recall it didn't really start until I was 22 and met my husband. (who would comment on me and talk about things and make me feel like a stable person who existed through time). I know all about depersonalization and derealization, however. When I first started therapy I was assaulted by those feelings. I could not stand being alone, and I worked at home. It was horrible. I actually started hearing voices. I wish you luck. It's hard to work through all this s**t.
EM> Thanks, Emmanuel, for sharing with me....
>
> Yes it sucks to have that anmensia. It makes me feel older than i am; after all, if parts are missing from my life, doesn't that indicate I've lived 'less time' than I actually have? Do you feel that way - a sense of running out of time? Uck..
>
> I spoke with my PDoc about this today, and he said what I experience is depersonalization, a type of anxiety, rather than dissocation. He also told me it probably occurs now becaues last PDoc tore down my defenses. It all makes sense.
>
> I guess I'm not as bad off as I thought I was though. This is just me, sans defense mechanisms, I guess, and I have to work through it to become healthy again.
>
> Take care, Emmanuel.
Posted by antigua3 on October 18, 2009, at 11:11:34
In reply to Re: dissociation mpd did etc..., posted by emmanuel98 on October 15, 2009, at 20:21:47
I found it was very harsh to be triggered by my psychiatrist's aggresive techniques, but I can't ignore that it opened up a whole world of my childhood that I never consciously remembered. It was shocking.
I don't remember birthdays or holidays from childhood, except for maybe one or two. I used to think I didn't remember anything about my childhood beyond the facts which were more family lore passed along rather than remembering they happened. Working with people that I can trust has made all the difference, whether I find their treatment kind or harsh.
I could never do any of this until I learned to trust. It is the wall that has always protected me from knowing things. I trusted no one. But it was also a lonely life and the weight of carrying the burden finally became too much and I cracked.
I was the sane, responsible one in my family, too, with siblings who led very self-destructive lives for many years. My self-destructiveness was more hidden, but there, nonetheless, and finally turned on me. That's when I got help.
In a round about way, I'm trying to say that you don't have to be alone with all this. You have to take risks and really trust and maybe you will rediscover your childhood. I have, and while it has been worse than I ever even imagined, I think knowing has made all the difference because maybe I can heal.
When I "discover" something about myself through a flashback or memory, my psychiatrist is quick to point out "You already knew that." Technically, he's correct; I can't remember something I didn't know about, but it was all unconscious, repressed. Somehow he thinks this should make it easier for me, that I already knew this, but bringing something into consciousness is an entirely different matter.
Disassociation and depersonalization are tools we use(d) to survive when we were young. While they still get in the way for me, I think of them as a strength in that they protect me from knowing what I'm not ready to know yet.
I wish you both the best of luck, and hope that you have someone or some people to help with this. Pls be kind to yourselves.
antigua
Posted by psych chat on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:00
I don't remember most of my childhood. My siblings are a mess..resulting from the abuse/neglect in how we grew up I suppose...Our parents are messed up...
So I always wanted to know how I became the most sane and productive person in my family. Now I'm starting to think that perhaps it's because I have a huge disassociation problem.
It seems I became a different person in my mid teens through early adulthood. Someone who didn't have many issues or emotional problems...until my 30s.
Not too long ago, I experienced a massive abreaction in response to a psychoanalyst who had some quality that triggered this (in addition to his aggressive techniques).
There is really no rational explaination for how I know this - but after the flooding of dreams, images, emotions in my mind after that T, I feel I am now the "self" I used to be during my mid-teen years. Yet, I still don't have access to the memories of how or who I was during childhood...just some emotions, pictures, etc. that somehow rapidly flooded my consciousness..I have not been the same person since.
Also since that T, I have begun to experience disassociation in therapy, since that abreaction. I don't recall ever doing this in my lifetime. In fact, I just found out what this feeling was, after having posted here. The floating feeling, the slowing of time, etc.
I have read about DID or MPD...am wondering if that's the reason for this situation and if that would explain how my memories were erased. I"m confused and not sure what to do. I have a T to discuss this with. I'm not sure he is that familiar with this issue, but I'll find out soon.
This is really scary.
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:00
In reply to disassociation DID MPD etc, posted by psych chat on October 13, 2009, at 22:18:06
Not trying to downplay your fear and confusion. But hope you're not getting googleitis as I have. also did you mean this for psych board? Phillipa
Posted by psych chat on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:01
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
Hi Phillipa,
I wish it were only Googeitis. It's not. I didnt even know I posted this here on meds. Maybe I am just going crazy? A slow, protracted going crazy...
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:01
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
I doubt it. I have a feeling you will have to post it there also. Love Phillipa
Posted by psych chat on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:01
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
You turned out to be right, Phillipa. I'm not going crazy..PDoc reassured me everything's ok..he understands why this is happening now, and explained it to me. It all makes sense...
Yes, I reposted. Thanks, Phillipa, for your concern :)
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2009, at 1:28:01
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
You mean I said something right for once? Wow seriously I've impressed myself. But in all seriousness glad your're not crazy!!!! Love Phillipa
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