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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wittgensteinz on May 19, 2011, at 14:51:35
My father just visited for a few days. My partner is away for a couple of weeks with work.
I get on well with my father - we are close although ordinarily don't have much contact (living in different countries, he's not much of a 'phoner' or 'emailer' either - and there is my mother who is normally very prominant - if I phone then it's her I get, not him). It was a rare occasion that he visited on his own and that we spent some time together, just the two of us.
First I found him more aloof than normal but after a day we started talking more. Last night we talked for hours - it was 2 in the morning when we finally stopped talking.
He started telling how the situation at home with my mother was 'worse than it had ever been'. I questioned this because I wondered whether my taking the brunt of her anger/aggression might have given him the impression things weren't so bad then. Anyhow, it's now just him and from what he described, it does sound worse than ever. He had bruises on his arm and described her as 'demonic' (not a word I've ever heard him use before).
On the one hand he's an adult and it's his place to decide whether he wants to put up with her rages or not. We talked about a 'middle way' i.e. getting her some help. But she simply isn't open to the notion that anything might be wrong with her. When I was a child, he just stood there and never intervened - when I talked to him in confidence, he would even often end up betraying my trust and telling it to her. So, why should I care about him now? The thing is I care deeply - I hate to see him suffering. I think he deserves better - I think he's a good person, albeit rather passive, accepting and enmeshed in co-dependence. I wish I could do something but don't know what.
He went home this morning. The fantasy entered my mind of inviting him to come and live here with me for a while to think things through and get some professional help. A crazy idea and unfortunately no solution. I guess I thought all of that drama had ended when I finally got out of that situation but now I have these vivid images of him standing in my shoes and that feels awful - watching on and doing nothing feels worse, in fact.
You hear about battered wives but battered husbands, where do they go for help?
Witti
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2011, at 18:41:08
In reply to I don't kow what to do, if there is anything to do, posted by wittgensteinz on May 19, 2011, at 14:51:35
I think battered husbands are more common than you would think. I'm not sure how to go about getting help. Perhaps talking to his doctor?
You have a lot less power to help him than he would have probably had to help you, if he's not willing to leave her. Have the police ever been involved? Social services?
Do you think he's open to the idea of leaving? Not necessarily to go to you, if that's not a good solution. If you've escaped the drama, you'd have to make sure you weren't bringing it back into your life.
((( Witti )))
It seems there is all too short a period of time between needing our parents and our parents needing us.
Posted by wittgensteinz on May 22, 2011, at 5:43:19
In reply to Re: I don't kow what to do, if there is anything to do, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2011, at 18:41:08
Hi Dinah,
Thanks for your reply and for your wise words.
I can't write more now.
Thank you though.
W.
Posted by pegasus on May 23, 2011, at 9:34:56
In reply to Re: I don't kow what to do, if there is anything to do » Dinah, posted by wittgensteinz on May 22, 2011, at 5:43:19
Hi witty,
Around here I know that the domestic violence shelters have information and resources for battered men. I don't know if that's unusual. It probably is. But it might be worth contacting a DV organization or safehouse in your dad's area, to see what they have to offer to a battered husband. I know that it definitely does happen, maybe more than we think. And it's just as devastating.
- p
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:50:32
In reply to I don't kow what to do, if there is anything to do, posted by wittgensteinz on May 19, 2011, at 14:51:35
I want to apologize to you, Witti, for not responding to this post earlier. I read it not long after you posted it, but it hit so close to home that I just couldn't respond.
I had a very similar situation going on with my father in the week that he was hospitalized before he died. I still can't go into great detail about it, but suffice it to say that my father's pain and helplessness brought out all of my mother's abusive nature. It was painful to watch. And painful that he died at the end, although I'm grateful that my mother didn't get a chance to abuse him all day every day for the remainder of his life.
So I have nothing to add to your situation and request for advice, except that this is familiar to me and I don't know if there are any good answers in these situations. I'm thinking about you.
This is the end of the thread.
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