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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I'm a crier. Is it a necessary thing for most? Or no?
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 29, 2011, at 19:56:10
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
God, I rarely get through a therapy session without crying or choking up at least once. It's funny. My husband HATES it if I cry or even choke up. He gets furious, tells me to get control. With my p-doc, I have cried and cried and cried and he accepts this as perfectly normal. Sometimes he'll ask, why is this making you sad?
You'll notice that every T in the world has a tissue box next to the patient's chair.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 20:24:37
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by emmanuel98 on June 29, 2011, at 19:56:10
My husband probably just doesn't know what to do. He usually will ask "what's wrong?!", but it sounds like he thinks I am over-reacting... I don't know for sure.
When I was a child my mother would hit me and/or threaten to "give me something to cry about".
My therapist is interested, but doesn't seem to make me terribly self conscious about it. Last time I sort of broke down.
It seems to me that sometimes I just don't talk to people (closer people) because if I told the truth, or talked about anything not superficial, I'd probably cry.I guess I wonder how common it is.
Thanks Emmanuel :-)
Posted by Anemone on June 29, 2011, at 21:43:04
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » emmanuel98, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 20:24:37
Hi Sleepygirl,
I can imagine how upsetting it feels to have your mom say that to you, I am so sorry. I hope your T makes you feel safe to be your real self and cry when you want, and hope he allows you to say the deep stuff that you can't say to other people. And I hope your husband will understand and support you.
I cry in therapy when sad topics come up. I just can't help myself. Usually I try not to cry because I want to look pretty for my therapist, but when my cry buttons are pressed, I cry. She is so wonderful, she looks very concerned (mirrors my sadness on her face) like I'm the only person in the world and all her attention is on me.
(English not my first language, sorry for any weird grammar stuff!)
Posted by 10derheart on June 30, 2011, at 0:03:51
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
Always.
For years. Through at least three different therapists.
Buckets and buckets and buckets.
If it's not 'normal'.....well, too late now!
Now don't get me started on crying at home, in the car, in Lord-know-what-other-places *about* my therapists or more accurately - ex-therapists and my feelings for them :-(
There, we would be talking rivers, lakes and even oceans...and I am only exaggerating a little.
Posted by pegasus on June 30, 2011, at 8:18:58
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I know a therapist (not mine!) who feels that "therapeutic crying" is an important ingredient for change. I don't really follow that, because I know that lots of folks get a lot of good out of therapy without crying. But there is something nice about seeing crying framed that way - as an important tool.
I cry in almost every session. I don't cry much elsewhere. In my real life, there are too many people who need to see me as able to hold everything together. And I need to feel that I can do that for them. But in therapy, I cry about everything. Occasionally, I'll ask for an extra session by explaining, "I need another good cry this week."
My T seems to be glad that I can cry with him. He's very respectful of all of that pain and sadness. It's so lovely to be able to have those feelings somewhere safe. When I was a kid, my parents would ridicule me when I cried.
- p
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 11:12:43
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by pegasus on June 30, 2011, at 8:18:58
i have never cried in a session.
i cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. i cry in the car when i am driving sometimes. but it comes out of the blue.
in sessions, i have held it all back. i need to cry, but can't. it is like it is stopped up and i am just numb.
i am jealous. it is just numb.
Posted by tetrix on June 30, 2011, at 14:34:25
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
never
hard to cry in artificial setting
Posted by 10derheart on June 30, 2011, at 14:49:04
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by tetrix on June 30, 2011, at 14:34:25
Hi tetrix,
So you've felt, or still feel, the therapy room is an artificial setting? That's interesting. Do you mean because of the whole construct of paying for help, going at a certain appointment time, etc? Is that what makes it artificial?
I have not felt that. It was always so real. too real, and that's why painful, I think. In fact, as I think about it, more emotionally *real* than 99.9% of my other relationships. Which I realize is not necessarily such a great thing to say.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 16:24:51
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » tetrix, posted by 10derheart on June 30, 2011, at 14:49:04
I have often thought that it is simultaneously the most real and the most unreal place in the world. A contradiction. But the most strange thing within it.
The boundaries, limits, and construct of the setting make it the most unreal; yet these are precisely the elements that make it the most real, even more real than any other relationship in life. For me, therapy is the 45 minutes of my life where I can have just a taste of reality-- I can never drink enough. I can feel real for a little while, and then I have to leave, back into the world of surfaces and constantly shifting masks and lies. I feel like I am thirsting for the reality that I drink in gulps for a few precious moments each week.
it hurts.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 30, 2011, at 18:49:02
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » sleepygirl2, posted by Anemone on June 29, 2011, at 21:43:04
Thanks Anemone :-)
I'd feel badly for that little kid too. I do.
I remember it... it was like there was just nothing else to do, maybe implode? Very painful.I am glad your therapist is there with you.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 30, 2011, at 18:52:13
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by pegasus on June 30, 2011, at 8:18:58
God Pegasus,
I'm sorry your parents did that. I don't understand often why parents do what they do.
I am glad your t helps to make it safe to cry.
Posted by lucielu2 on June 30, 2011, at 20:57:10
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I don't know if it's a necessary thing, but I don't have any choice in the matter, it seems. Although I am not a crier in other areas of my life, I dissolve in the face of issues related to what brought me into therapy. I too have cried buckets, and there are many long stretches when I cry most every session. I don't like to do all this crying. My T asks me why not, but it makes me feel too vulnerable to dissolve so regularly. Sometimes I (unfairly) blame him because it seems like he just pushes a button and the tears start. I don't think that all my tears have been helpful, but they have been inevitable.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 30, 2011, at 21:29:20
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I sort of feel like telling myself to shut the hell up. I assume my T is quite tired of me too.
It's a good time for a three day weekend.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:34:28
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » pegasus, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 30, 2011, at 18:52:13
For me it was my father -- stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about, usually while he was hitting me with a belt. I became stoic, never showed any emotion except anger. NEVER cried. My husband cares about me, but he married this stoic ice-cube who never cried or showed much emotion and he is uncomfortable with my new, more vulnerable self.
For me therapy sessions were a huge relief, a place where I could ask for help and be vulnerable. So I cried constantly.
As far as the real/unreal nature of therapy, I've come to see it as less unreal. Once I said to my p-doc, this relationship is odd and he said what's odd for you is having to talk about issues in the relationship. He's also said he probably spends more time with me -- an hour a week -- than he does with many friends. What's unreal is that it is one-sided. I am vulnerable with him, but he is not vulnerable with me. I love him unreasonably but he does not share that love. I need him more than he needs me.
What's real is that he genuinely likes and cares about me and worries over my well-being. I genuinely like and care about him and worry over his well-being. What's unreal is that his well-being never comes up. If he got sick, I wouldn't have any role in his care.
He recommended this book to me a couple of years ago -- Olive Kitteredge, a great book. In it, this woman's husband has a near fatal stroke at the age of 70. My p-doc was 70 then and I said, you could have a stroke or heart attack. He said I could, but I have people I've taken care of who would take care of me. I started to cry because, what I really worried about was that I couldn't take care of him if he needed care. I would be cut out of his life.
Therapy is definitely strange. It's funny. I still see my p-doc weekly, though he and my DBT therapist agreed that primary responsibility for dealing with my depression and suicidality would belong to her. I see him because I don't want to stop seeing him. Today he said that I don't worry about whether my DBT therapist likes me or not, and this is true. I assume she likes me, but it doesn't worry me one way or another. But I worry whether he likes me or not, that he is still like a surrogate parent to me.
Posted by sigismund on July 2, 2011, at 1:10:50
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:34:28
When I was growing up we had Hilaire Belloc's (terrible reactionary) "Cautionary Verses" in which was to be found (Lord Lundy)
'Oh that I were brisk and spry
I'd give him something for which to cry'
and, as a parent, I have some sympathy with this.But I wonder if we could restrain our irritation a little and think instead of giving children the gift of language.
This was easily the most pleasurable aspect of parenting for me and it can not be done without giving time to it.
It's not that I want to listen to people. It irritates the sh*t out of me. Lonely and you don't want to listen? Yeah. Well. Therapy.
Posted by tetrix on July 2, 2011, at 15:47:38
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » tetrix, posted by 10derheart on June 30, 2011, at 14:49:04
10dearheart,
Yes, therapy setting always seemed artificial to me, to pay someone to pretend to care, all the boundaries, the fact that they don't listen half the time, I just couldn't pass that artificial barrier. It always seemed cold and impersonal, everything felt fake, her laughter, her standard textbook sentences, the pretence to be in the momnet of healing silence, it was becoming a mockery, I had to leave
Posted by Lamdage on July 4, 2011, at 9:46:56
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » 10derheart, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 16:24:51
> I have often thought that it is simultaneously the most real and the most unreal place in the world. A contradiction. But the most strange thing within it.
>
> The boundaries, limits, and construct of the setting make it the most unreal; yet these are precisely the elements that make it the most real, even more real than any other relationship in life. For me, therapy is the 45 minutes of my life where I can have just a taste of reality-- I can never drink enough. I can feel real for a little while, and then I have to leave, back into the world of surfaces and constantly shifting masks and lies. I feel like I am thirsting for the reality that I drink in gulps for a few precious moments each week.
>
> it hurts.Hows it going annabelle? You seemed to have a pretty intense time but didnt follow up with your threads anymore.
I was a little worried!How are things?
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2011, at 10:46:43
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I'm not a crier in general. My parents didn't discourage it or anything.
I will say that when I do cry, it's almost always in therapy. And that even then, a lot of what I call crying may be teary eyes.
When I do cry, I rarely use a kleenex unless my nose starts dripping. In fact, I got quite annoyed once with my therapist for offering one. Some good honest tears never hurt anyone, except for dry salty eyes after perhaps.
Posted by Lamdage on July 4, 2011, at 17:01:53
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by Lamdage on July 4, 2011, at 9:46:56
Annabelle i think the relationship to the therapist is -in the ideal case- the first healthy relationship in most patients lives. (well unfortunately not very likely but its supposed to be this way)
Dont think you cant have that out of the therapists office..
Posted by Dinah on July 5, 2011, at 20:15:36
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2011, at 10:46:43
Hmmm... Even in therapy, I fight tears. Even though I don't think there's anything wrong with crying. I'll stay silent and still until I think I can speak with control.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on July 5, 2011, at 20:40:43
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy? » Dinah, posted by Dinah on July 5, 2011, at 20:15:36
When I started therapy (years ago), I wouldn't let myself cry. The problem was that I couldn't talk about anything really. I have my "going about the tasks of life" persona and how I'm really feeling.
What would happen if you had less control over the tears Dinah?
Posted by manduh on July 6, 2011, at 21:21:56
In reply to Do you cry in therapy?, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 29, 2011, at 18:28:15
I've cried in group a few times. Some others do, I think it's actually helped our sense of camaraderie.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 9, 2011, at 0:55:35
In reply to Re: Do you cry in therapy?, posted by Lamdage on July 4, 2011, at 9:46:56
Lamdage,
Thank you for asking. I am just trying to hold it all together.
I feel so fragile, as if reading a certain book, watching a certain film, having a certain conversation, engaging in a certain experience could send me shattering into fragments. I feel like I am trying to hold the pieces together as best I can. Different pieces come out in different circumstances. But sometimes it feels like everything is on the verge of shattering and disintegrating. Sometimes even the words are hard to pull together, and I find myself unable to write and especially speak. I fear losing my language. Sometimes when I speak it is like I hear a voice, and I know it is mine, but I do not feel in control of it-- the words seem distant and foreign.
It's like I have to always tread with extreme caution. This has to do with feeling fake, feeling split, as if there are two or more parts of myself that come out as different ways of being. Inside I can occasionally feel one way-- a more true way-- while on the outside, I am faking it. The true self watches the fake self in disgust and heightening despair, but is uanble to act.
I feel like my therapist is the only center in my chaos, holding my fragments together. He is my touchstone to reality. Sometimes in sessions, we have spent time talking about how what I am feeling and have been feeling for the past year(s) is real. He tells me that what I have been feeling certainly is real and that I have felt it. He is so important-- essential-- to me because he shares a history with me;he is my only true witness to the hell and my only channel to feeling real. He has told me that I need to open up to others. I have told him that I know, and I will have to do so on my own time. I need to find a way to reintegrate the pieces or else I will shatter and crack. But to force them together is not true either and will also, I think, lead to disentegration.
I feel like there is a pearl-- my greatest treasure, perhaps my true self, depth, and reality-- that I have been cultivating all of my life. It can't be shared with just anyone, as over a casual dinnertime conversation. It develops over time as a real relationship unfolds. I am afraid of it being cheapened and trashed, tossed aside and ultimately taken from me, its worth stripped away. And being left with absolutely nothing.
Summer is a very painful season for me, only rivaled and perhaps even exceeded by autumn. It brings an unbearable longing, a grief and feeling of loss and an awakened desire for I know not what. There are images and whole experiences that come and go, sometimes rapidly and in succession, overlapping. They bring me feelings of grief and loss, and leave me with an emptiness and a need to mourn I know not exactly what and therefore even how.
It has something to do with windchimes blowing in the cool, fragrant summer breeze; sailboats on the water; balloons floating over the big city; the scent of fresh-mown grass; a hospital; holding my mom tight and smelling, nearly tasting her perfume; smoke from the grill; the loneliest sound of crickets chirping and the unbearable emptiness into which that opened; the aroma of supper cooking, wafting through the hot summer evening; running through the meadow; a little boy smiling the most beautiful smile, his eyes so full of color and life, being up against his body, feeling his moist, soft skin, inhaling the scent of his body amidst the grass and dirt. And then there is the morning air, the feeling of fullness and life, a feeling that comes from another place, a world that feels most familiar yet most lost.
My therapist is now on the second of his two trips for the summer. Our next meeting will be two weeks from the one before. That is almost impossible for me. He hesitantly offered to do a phone session or check-in on his holiday, but although I would of course have wanted that, I said no. I want him to be able to be away from all of this. He needs it. I don't know where he is at right now-- I bet he is in France. That has been my guess all along. I miss him so much. It will be 10 days until we meet again. I think I will make it; but it hurts.
This is the end of the thread.
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