![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
I really don't know what happened.
Posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:53:19
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Feeling even crappier. My job has been readvertised already. Was advertised over the internet, and I just looked then. Haven't even been given a chance to explain.
My own fault, really.
Posted by tina on June 13, 2001, at 9:45:39
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Rach hunny
You could never disappoint me or anyone else at haven or lotl. I wish you'd let us know this before but I'm glad you are "letting it out" somewhere.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know where you are and I have been there many times. I too have the unending desire to cut myself or just generally do damage to my own body. I am in a self-loathing stage right now too. I lost my job a little over 2 weeks ago because of my inability to control this disease that I have. There are always other jobs sweetie but there is NO other Rachael and I truly love this one and don't want her to change one bit.
I know what you are going through is very hard. The road to recovery is very long but you have to give yourself permission to fall every once in a while. You won't stay down forever but the very nature of the illness that grips all of us is such that you may take a couple steps backward in proportion to the many steps forward. Give yourself a break Rach. No one is completely cured in a perfect way. We all just muddle through as best we can, slipping, sliding, tripping, and getting up when we fall. You'll get up again. Just give yourself time. i know you aren't on any meds right now and it may be time to try them again, I don't know. My dad's depression comes in spurts. He doesn't need medication all the time and only needs to take it when he is in a "down" period. This may be the case with you.
I promise you that if you talk to us at haven, you will get unconditional support. No one will be disappointed and no one will judge you.
You are NOT alone Rachael, hear this, you are NOT alone.
please keep talking.
love you
Tina> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Posted by Deb R on June 13, 2001, at 10:43:49
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Hey Rach,
Can I ask when your family left for overseas - it sounds as though it is fairly recent. How long will they be away for?
The other thing is that it is great that you have posted how you are feeling - whether here or at lotl or haven is not important, what is important is that you are posting. Please keep going with that. Dont feel as though you cant post at one of the e-groups, thats what they are there for. Additional support....and you do need some right now.
Have a think about your friends - and just think of one of them who you can talk to about this...if you can't do that, then head for the Docs please..I am very worried about you...please post again soon.
Love,
Deb.
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Posted by Deb R on June 13, 2001, at 10:45:27
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help-, posted by tina on June 13, 2001, at 9:45:39
Tina,
Its wonderful how you are trying to help Rach, when I know you aren't feeling so great yourself...you are a terrific person, bless you.
Love,
Deb.> Rach hunny
> You could never disappoint me or anyone else at haven or lotl. I wish you'd let us know this before but I'm glad you are "letting it out" somewhere.
> I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know where you are and I have been there many times. I too have the unending desire to cut myself or just generally do damage to my own body. I am in a self-loathing stage right now too. I lost my job a little over 2 weeks ago because of my inability to control this disease that I have. There are always other jobs sweetie but there is NO other Rachael and I truly love this one and don't want her to change one bit.
> I know what you are going through is very hard. The road to recovery is very long but you have to give yourself permission to fall every once in a while. You won't stay down forever but the very nature of the illness that grips all of us is such that you may take a couple steps backward in proportion to the many steps forward. Give yourself a break Rach. No one is completely cured in a perfect way. We all just muddle through as best we can, slipping, sliding, tripping, and getting up when we fall. You'll get up again. Just give yourself time. i know you aren't on any meds right now and it may be time to try them again, I don't know. My dad's depression comes in spurts. He doesn't need medication all the time and only needs to take it when he is in a "down" period. This may be the case with you.
> I promise you that if you talk to us at haven, you will get unconditional support. No one will be disappointed and no one will judge you.
> You are NOT alone Rachael, hear this, you are NOT alone.
> please keep talking.
> love you
> Tina
>
> > I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
> >
> > I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
> >
> > I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
> >
> > I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
> >
> > Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
> >
> > I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
> >
> > Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
> >
> > This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
> >
> > I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
> >
> > To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
> >
> > I really don't know what happened.
Posted by NikkiT2 on June 13, 2001, at 14:42:53
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Wish I knew what to say to you hun... you know none of us will abandon you though, and we a re there when you feel you can come to us...
I;m in a pretty bad place right now, so find the irght words very hard to find...
At the momebt when that urge to hurt gets too much I've taken up plucking!!! Done a whole patch on my leg, and now gonna start the bikini line!! (well, what with the holiday and all!!)... it seems to work for me, so try it!!
Hang in there Rach
Nikki xx
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Posted by tina on June 13, 2001, at 14:59:05
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help » Rach, posted by NikkiT2 on June 13, 2001, at 14:42:53
> Wish I knew what to say to you hun... you know none of us will abandon you though, and we a re there when you feel you can come to us...
>
> I;m in a pretty bad place right now, so find the irght words very hard to find...
>
> At the momebt when that urge to hurt gets too much I've taken up plucking!!! Done a whole patch on my leg, and now gonna start the bikini line!! (well, what with the holiday and all!!)... it seems to work for me, so try it!!
>
> Hang in there Rach
>
> Nikki xx
>
> > I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
> >
> > I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
> >
> > I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
> >
> > I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
> >
> > Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
> >
> > I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
> >
> > Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
> >
> > This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
> >
> > I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
> >
> > To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
> >
> > I really don't know what happened.
Posted by Cam W. on June 13, 2001, at 18:14:57
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help » Rach, posted by NikkiT2 on June 13, 2001, at 14:42:53
> At the momebt when that urge to hurt gets too much I've taken up plucking!!! Done a whole patch on my leg, and now gonna start the bikini line!! (well, what with the holiday and all!!)... it seems to work for me, so try it!!
Thanks for the visual, Nik! - Cam
=^)Rach - I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself. - Cam
Posted by NikkiT2 on June 13, 2001, at 18:42:11
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help Rach and » NikkiT2, posted by Cam W. on June 13, 2001, at 18:14:57
> > At the momebt when that urge to hurt gets too much I've taken up plucking!!! Done a whole patch on my leg, and now gonna start the bikini line!! (well, what with the holiday and all!!)... it seems to work for me, so try it!!
>
> Thanks for the visual, Nik! - Cam
> =^)
>
> Rach - I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself. - Cam
Posted by Willow on June 13, 2001, at 21:46:38
In reply to Oh no - I should have seen that coming!!! n/p » Cam W., posted by NikkiT2 on June 13, 2001, at 18:42:11
is always stressful, and usually people are aware of this and should try and help the new person. This new place didn't sound too supportive.
I don't know your financial situation, but would you be able to start a volunteer position or very part-time job when you start feeling better. This might help to relieve some of the stress that is involved. I too had recently started a new job after being off work for years because of my "condition." It made me aware of how insecure I feel. A crappy feeling. Starting slow may give you time to recharge in between shifts.
I'm working just a few hours a week and find the respite much needed so that I don't fall apart.
AND REMEMBER BETTER TIMES ARE AROUND THE CORNER.
You are not alone,
Willow
Posted by Shar on June 14, 2001, at 2:18:11
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Rach,
Without having to change any of your feelings this instant, I want you to make a pro-Rach gesture and call your pdoc or therapist or the hospital and say you are not in good shape. You can stay scared, lonely, afraid...and still make that gesture toward life.You know, as you just told us, how quickly things can change. In a way that is a teeny ray of hope. We've seen them go from good to bad, and also bad to good. It is a possibility.
Make the call, though, Rach. You need to do that instantly. No putting it off. Just get on automatic pilot and make the call.
Keep writing--you are no better or worse than the rest of us here who have all done things to our own detriment.
Call. Write.
Love,
Shar
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Posted by geekUK on June 14, 2001, at 14:39:32
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Hey rach,
I think I know where you are. It took me years to tell anyone about how I was feeling. It is so incredibly worth it. just having anyone a, doctor, therapist, freind or family to talk to helps alot. I use this board often, there is stuff here no one knows. Its good to get it out,
take care, write soon
MC
ps. dont worry about hitting yourself. you should try not to do it, but it happens. I have done simmilar things. but I would stay away from your eyes.
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Posted by mair on June 14, 2001, at 21:39:17
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
>
> Rach - sounds like you're really getting hammered by all the cruelties of our disease,like, it strikes without warning and seemingly without cause, it makes us hate ourselves, it makes us want to hurt ourselves and at times it prevents us from functioning at things like jobs. This is horrible under any circumstances but truly dreadful when you're trying to start a new job.I'm not sure I can add much to the valuable things that have been said here other than that you need to remember that you've had these feelings before and they have gone away. I will tell you that I have been through to cutting thing maybe like you. The urge wasn't always there and seemed to arise out of the blue. I did this for a few weeks, but i was able to stop before I did any serious damage, or became habit forming. Since then the urge to hurt has been overwelming at times, but i've been able to resist, even if it means getting up and leaving my house. At the time I was taking a break from therapy and it was helpful to get myself back in. In retrospect, I've wondered if cutting myself was a way of giving myself the permission to go back into therapy. On later ocassions it's helped me to remember how ashamed and embarrassed I was when I was cutting myself. I managed to keep my friends and family clueless with the judicious use of long sleeved shirts, but this is something I did talk to my therapist about and it all sounded so sophamoric to me; like this is something teenagers do, not middle aged women. I know nothing about the pathology of this behavior, but for me anyway, it seems to help if i remind myself that picking up a new problem will only take me backwards.
I'm particularly sorry about your job. The unfortunate reality of our illness, is that we can't always dazzle and shine or even function all the time. That you're relapsing at the same time that you're trying to start a new job is awful, but is it possible that the stress of this new job is contributing to the relapse? I'd love to say that you should go back there and convince them that today was an aberration, but do you really feel up to tackling this job in your current state? I do think it's important to bring some closure to this awful experience, and to that end, I would recommend that you write these folks a letter explaining that you had to stay home sick and that unfortunately you don't feel up to coming back to work quickly enough to meet their needs. This hardly breaks any records. One of my partners hired a secretary who worked until lunch time and left for lunch and just never returned or called or wrote. I hired someone once who took something like 3 sick days in the first week (not consecutive). To my knowledge the job prospects of neither woman was impaired by what happened with my office.
Please keep letting us know how you're doing.
Mair
Posted by Rach on June 14, 2001, at 21:55:27
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
Just checking in. Thanks all for your kind msgs.
Haven't yet contacted the job people. Not sure what to do, whether to ring or send a letter. Just feel completely embarassed and stupid.
Haven't had the urge to hurt myself again. Could just be because my head is still killing me. But you know what, I don't at all want to die. I've spoken about this before. I don't want to die, I just want a really good excuse not to have to live my life properly.
One thing I have been considering recently is that I have a fear of success. Everything was going along perfectly - I was finally on the road that I wanted to be on. I found the perfect job, and had my life for the next year mapped out. I know that once all the factors like job, money, friends, and health come together, nothing could stop me from achieving success. That happened. Everything came together. Except for me - I fell apart and sabotaged it all. Am I afraid to be a success?
I always thought I was the opposite - terrified of failure. But maybe in failure I find struggle. The struggle to achieve success. Because if you always fail, you always have something to strive for. But when you achieve success, then what do you do?
I intellectually understand that you find different goals and then struggle to achieve them, but perhaps emotionally I am scared of that.
Sorry, rambling.
Posted by rmshed on June 16, 2001, at 14:02:44
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way that you think, I know that by telling you that, doesn't help you. I have lost several good things in life due to my emotional instability. I have also done some things in my life that I am not proud of. I am my own worst critic. I feel for you. I have injured myself several times. The last time was last July, my boss decided to take her bad day out on me. I couldn't deal with it and cut both of my arms, and chest in about 40 places. I now wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the weather. I also spent 7 pure days of hell in a behavorial science unit in a local hospital. I needed to be there and went on my own. But I found out, that I wasn't insane and my problems were very small compared to those of the other patients there. They put me in a room with a person who thought she was having babies for the mob. She also stood over my bed and told me she was homicidal. I asked to be moved and I was. But what I discovered was that this woman whom I will call Pam, was terribly disturbed and very sick. I left the hospital and returned to my own apartment and my own car. I am sure she doesn't have either of them. I realize now that sometimes our own level of mental illness is never duplicated, and we are all unique.
I hope that somewhere you find some peace.
Take Care.
Becky
Posted by Noa on June 18, 2001, at 15:00:48
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by rmshed on June 16, 2001, at 14:02:44
Rach,
Sorry I wasn't here last week when you were feeling so badly. I think Shar said it very well and I hope you did make the call to reach out for help.
Posted by tina on June 19, 2001, at 7:30:51
In reply to Re: Feeling a little better, posted by Rach on June 14, 2001, at 21:55:27
> Just checking in. Thanks all for your kind msgs.
>
> Haven't yet contacted the job people. Not sure what to do, whether to ring or send a letter. Just feel completely embarassed and stupid.
>
> Haven't had the urge to hurt myself again. Could just be because my head is still killing me. But you know what, I don't at all want to die. I've spoken about this before. I don't want to die, I just want a really good excuse not to have to live my life properly.
>
> One thing I have been considering recently is that I have a fear of success. Everything was going along perfectly - I was finally on the road that I wanted to be on. I found the perfect job, and had my life for the next year mapped out. I know that once all the factors like job, money, friends, and health come together, nothing could stop me from achieving success. That happened. Everything came together. Except for me - I fell apart and sabotaged it all. Am I afraid to be a success?
>
> I always thought I was the opposite - terrified of failure. But maybe in failure I find struggle. The struggle to achieve success. Because if you always fail, you always have something to strive for. But when you achieve success, then what do you do?
>
> I intellectually understand that you find different goals and then struggle to achieve them, but perhaps emotionally I am scared of that.
>
> Sorry, rambling.I've always been afraid of success and self-sabotage everything that 'could" make a success of my life.
My problem is when I succeed at something, everyone around me develops unrealistic expectations that I have absolutely no hope of living up to. I get unwanted attention and it scares me. Wonder if that's what happens to you?
Having to live up to other's expectations of us is a very hard thing to do.
Posted by Wendy B. on June 19, 2001, at 8:18:53
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
> (...)
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.
Dear Rach,
I hope you are feeling somewhat better, I know it takes a lot out of you. Lately I have been very up up up, then crashing immediately afterward. Very high, then very low. It almost makes the lows worse, because you know there ARE highs. Does this make sense?
Anyway, please post an update, you wrote last Thursday, how was the weekend? Did you ever write or call the office? I think Willow is right about the work - when we're so badly off, taking on a full-time job can be too hard, and we set ourselves up for failure. Yes, to answer your later question, I agree, we do set ourselves up to fail. We're not afraid of it - we WANT it. Or rather, it's the only pattern we know, so we keep repeating it.
A very good friend who only a few months ago went on an SSRI, called last night. She had been given 2 weeks notice from her job as a software salesperson four hours earlier. She looked at it as an opportunity for growth in a new direction (working for herself), she was almost happy that she had "failed" at the job... So I guess it's all how you look at it, from your own personal "lenses."
But, sorry to ramble. Do take only a part-timer till you get on a steadier emotional plane. I do think it's necessary to get out of the house, depressives need some kind of schedule, or they just never kick their asses (me included) out in public...With a great big hug & truly hope you are feeling better this week,
WendyPS: Sorry, but in your original post, you mention "lotl" and "haven." I think I know that haven is "safehaven," do they have a bulletin board too? But I don't have a clue what "lotl" is, can you educate me? Thanks...
This is the end of the thread.
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