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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maynerd on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:44
I don't understand this, even though I do. Where does the cycle start, why do I have to get on, when will it end? The dark clouds continue forming even though there is no reason for them to come; now I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Sorry doc, the lithium isn't stopping it very well so far, death has been in my thoughts today. I'm smoking a joint to chase them away doc, even though I promised you I wouldn't. I'm sorry.
Posted by Maynerd on October 24, 2005, at 21:25:47
In reply to thoughts, posted by Maynerd on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:44
Don't worry, I won't do anything dangerous, suicidal, or stupid.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 24, 2005, at 21:35:24
In reply to thoughts, posted by Maynerd on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:44
sorry your feeling so down. Maybe you need a med switch? And i dont think you need to feel bad about smoking, if it helps.
its frustrating when we want to be able to feel better and our docs cant make it happen fast enough.
Posted by holymama on October 24, 2005, at 22:16:28
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by rainbowbrite on October 24, 2005, at 21:35:24
Sorry you're on that rollarcoaster ride, Meynard. I've been on that ride before.
Question: are you on antidepressants that could be making you cycle more?
I know, the med changes suck too. Bear with it and you can get there -- a place where you are stable. People told me that when I was cycling all over the place and I didn't believe it would happen...but I'm pretty darn stable these days, thanks to a LOT of perseverance. Stick with it. Someone should give us cyclers a medal. :)
~Autumn~
Posted by Maynerd on October 25, 2005, at 0:59:39
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by holymama on October 24, 2005, at 22:16:28
Thanks to both of you, I appreciate it. I'm somewhere in the 'middle' of cycling I think. I realize that in some ways the meds are making it not so rough; it is still tough to feel patient with the storm continuing to go on.
Posted by Maynerd on October 25, 2005, at 1:08:02
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by rainbowbrite on October 24, 2005, at 21:35:24
I need some patience more than anything I guess. I really don't have much of a med choice as I have no insurance; lithium only as it is cheap. Smoking does help so I don't feel guilty for doing it. I do feel sort of bad because I promised to try not to, knowing deep inside that I would eventually. As I was smoking I came to the conclusion that since my T doesn't have a clue what I am feeling inside, they what he says is helping and hurting isn't always completely correct.
Posted by holymama on October 25, 2005, at 8:52:09
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by Maynerd on October 25, 2005, at 1:08:02
Some thoughts:
1. Have you told your doctor about your insurance/financial situation? Maybe you could get free samples if there are other meds you want to try.
2. How are your lithium levels? Is it possible you could use an increase?
3. I understand about making yourself feel better with a joint or alcohol...I did that for years while on medication. I felt so bad, I figured why not medicate myself? I finally hit bottom last summer (hospitalized twice) and made the decision to stop all of that -- I gave away my pot and all of my alcohol, so my husbadn and I don't keep any in the house anymore. It was really hard at first. I felt really bad and had nothing to make myself feel better. I had to start learning other techniques to get rid of tension or depressed feelings, like taking long walks or watching funny movies...anyway, a few med changes later and I'm doing better than I ever was while mixing all of those chemicals. I'm not trying to preach, just telling you that in my experience all of those things the doctors say to regulate -- go to bed at the same time every night, no alcohol or drugs, exercise every day, sunlight every day...it really has worked well with me. I think that for all of those years that I was drinking/smoking while taking medications, I was not letting the doctors and meds actually help me. The mixing of chemicals was making me worse. I don't know how much of a problem it is for you, for me it was.
4. I wonder about your relationship with your T -- you said he doesn't really know you or what makes you feel better or not -- doesn't that relationship only really work if you are honest with him so he can understand you?
All the best to you, and again, I hope I'm not coming across as really preachy. Just giving you stuff to think about.
~~Autumn~~
Posted by Maynerd on October 25, 2005, at 14:51:20
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by holymama on October 25, 2005, at 8:52:09
Yes, both my T and p-doc know about my insurance situation. As to my relationship with my T, I am able to trust one, but for some reason the trust thing is not as easy with the other. Since they both work for the school they are free for me to utilize however, so I do with what is there for me. It is hard for me to share some of the more extreme thoughts and mental experiences with him; I am able to voice the depressed thoughts but I still am unsure how to share the manic experiences. I finally told him about travelling with spirits and communing with god, and how hard it was for me to give up that part of myself.
I know that I am my own worst enemy with this, I foolishly stopped talking my meds for a while because I missed the emotional intensity of the highs. It is really hard for me, I lived for 35+ years in that storm and feel really strange when they are not there all the time. Funny how I only remember the good times until I am in the middle of the bad. I've been back on for about a week so hopefully the balance will return soon.
I envy your strength with giving up pot and alcohol, it has really been a tough battle for me. The intelligent me recognizes that smoking affects my thoughts in ways that aren't always best for me, but the other part of me stills tries to run the show. I have been trying to excersise every day, a bp friend and I go walk in the woods at least 3 times a week which has been quite helpful. Not just the walking, also the blessing of having someone to share my twisting thoughts with to find out what is real and what is...
Posted by holymama on October 26, 2005, at 13:25:44
In reply to Re: thoughts, posted by Maynerd on October 25, 2005, at 14:51:20
> Yes, both my T and p-doc know about my insurance situation. As to my relationship with my T, I am able to trust one, but for some reason the trust thing is not as easy with the other. Since they both work for the school they are free for me to utilize however, so I do with what is there for me.
Ahhhh...free therapy at school. Yeah, I guess it would be easier to accept a therapist you don't totally jive with if he/she is free. Paying for therapy that is not the best, on the other hand, is a different story. It sounds like you're taking your health into your own hands a lot too, so that's great.
It is hard for me to share some of the more extreme thoughts and mental experiences with him; I am able to voice the depressed thoughts but I still am unsure how to share the manic experiences. I finally told him about travelling with spirits and communing with god, and how hard it was for me to give up that part of myself.Yeah, my therapist didn't understand my 'high on God' mania either. I always felt she was patronizing me when I talked to her about it, rather than what I wanted her to do, which was listen and understnad what a powerful experience it was for me. I agree, it is hard to give up. It does get old after a while though, don't you think? Especially the depressions that follow? And just not being stable in general? For me, being 'stable' seems sometimes boring, but I can be a good mother, I can be a regular old student who is consistent and responsible, and when my meds work right (homeopathy helps too), I feel bright, charming, witty, inspired, thoughts come easily...sort of like being hypomanic, but really just me 'at my best'. So I don't feel like I'm really giving up anything. Granted, on slightly dull and depressed days I wonder what it would be like to throw away my meds...but I'm learning to know better.
> I know that I am my own worst enemy with this, I foolishly stopped talking my meds for a while because I missed the emotional intensity of the highs. It is really hard for me, I lived for 35+ years in that storm and feel really strange when they are not there all the time. Funny how I only remember the good times until I am in the middle of the bad. I've been back on for about a week so hopefully the balance will return soon.Good luck with that. I'll be thinking of you.
> I envy your strength with giving up pot and alcohol, it has really been a tough battle for me. The intelligent me recognizes that smoking affects my thoughts in ways that aren't always best for me, but the other part of me stills tries to run the show. I have been trying to excersise every day, a bp friend and I go walk in the woods at least 3 times a week which has been quite helpful. Not just the walking, also the blessing of having someone to share my twisting thoughts with to find out what is real and what is...My pdoc check in with me every meeting to see if I'm doing 4 things: 1.exercising 4 times a week 2.getting sunlight every day 3. eating well 4. sleeping well. She also checks on my social life and makes sure I'm still recreation - chemical free (I'm not perfect either -- a drink here and there, or like last Friday night 4 drinks that led to a 3 day hangover!!! No joke. It must be mixing the alcohol with Lithium). So for the most part I do these things, and the list gives me something to mentally check off every day. It sounds like you do a lot of those things. Think about what you're not doing well with on that list and think about how you could work on it. It might help.
~~Autumn~~
This is the end of the thread.
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