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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 20:47:57
I must be a totally horrible human being. I feel that way.
My grandmother is in her 80's. She's very sick and could die at any time. She's got cancer, and her back is broken (she's got bone cancer, and multiple painful spinal fractures). I just found out that she's coming to stay with us for awhile. My first reaction was awful, and didn't come out the way I intended it to. Don't know what exactly I said, but it was something along the lines of "why is she staying here?"
Let me explain. My family is very segregated. I rarely even see my mom's side of the family, but i am very close with my dad's side (mainly because they always want to see me and urge me to visit). My mom's side (aunts, uncles, cousins, even my grandma) don't seem interested in ever seeing us. We get invited over maybe once a year and i think they do it just to be nice. My grandma lives alone, and just retired last year. She has been staying with my uncle since she started getting sicker.
I've never really had a relationship with this woman, and I barely know what to say to her when I do see her. It's akward. Now, she's going to be staying here in our crazy mixed up overpopulated house....and i just know i'm not going to be able to handle it. I don't want to see her die. I really don't. I can't handle it. It sounds so freakin selfish, but if i have to watch her die, I'm going to go crazy.
I've never had a relationship with her, and now, out of the blue, I'm going to have to take care of her - alone, while my mom's at work...I don't know if i can. I want to hide. I feel so wretched for feeling this way.
The worst part is that my mom can't understand. I know that she's sad because her mom's very sick, but I wish she understood how i feel too. Basically she just threatened to evict me if I don't take care of my dying grandmother. She also upset my daughter quite a bit with her theatrics.
God...i feel awful. I am a horrible person.
Posted by Snoozin on August 3, 2006, at 20:58:31
In reply to I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 20:47:57
You are not a horrible person. Caring for a physically ill person is a *lot* of work, and takes a huge toll emotionally. I don't know how old you are, but did your mother just assume you would take up caretaking duties like this? Did the two of you discuss it?
It's very appropriate and probably necessary to set boundaries here. If you don't feel like you can care for your grandmother, you won't be doing her or anyone else any good. It's *not* selfish to say no. Others might try to make you think so, might try to manipulate your behavior, but you are not being selfish.
Has anyone explored other options like nurses who come in during the day to help?
Please, please don't feel like you are a horrible person. You are not. Perhaps you can think of an alternative, like taking up the family grocery shopping or other chores to give other family members (your mother!) time to care for your grandmother.
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 21:25:54
In reply to I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 20:47:57
Okay, first off, this strikes a cord with me because I was my Grandmother's caregiver during the last 7 years of her life. For your mom to expect you to care for her with no emotional reprecussions is ridiculous. People TRAIN HARD for this. And not even to take care of a relative! You are COMPLETELY right to feel freaked out. I really, really mean this. That doesn't mean you can't handle it, but you have every right to be scared. I would be very concerned if you weren't.
I did things I never dreamed I would do while caring for my Grandmother. And to top it all off, there's the emotional turmoil! Not everyone can handle this, just as not everyone is cut out to be a nurse. Like I said, I'm not at all saying you are incapable, but you have every right to tell your mother you are not qualified and it scares you. Ask her what she wants you to do if the worst happens. Ask her what you're supposed to do if your Grandmother needs to go to the bathroom (or if you have to change a diaper). These are not unreasonable things to worry about.
Please babble mail me if you run into any trouble. I'll check my email, and if it gets too bad I'll give you my phone number so you can call me. You really shouldn't have to be put in this position, but I know how it is when you're living with your parents and at their command. Do you think your Mom would really kick you and your daughter out? Is this a manipulative thing?
I really feel for you. I won't be able to check my email at work, but I will check it when I get home and throughout the weekend just incase you need anything.
-T
Posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 21:44:20
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 21:25:54
> Okay, first off, this strikes a cord with me because I was my Grandmother's caregiver during the last 7 years of her life. For your mom to expect you to care for her with no emotional reprecussions is ridiculous. People TRAIN HARD for this. And not even to take care of a relative! You are COMPLETELY right to feel freaked out. I really, really mean this. That doesn't mean you can't handle it, but you have every right to be scared. I would be very concerned if you weren't.
>
> I did things I never dreamed I would do while caring for my Grandmother. And to top it all off, there's the emotional turmoil! Not everyone can handle this, just as not everyone is cut out to be a nurse. Like I said, I'm not at all saying you are incapable, but you have every right to tell your mother you are not qualified and it scares you. Ask her what she wants you to do if the worst happens. Ask her what you're supposed to do if your Grandmother needs to go to the bathroom (or if you have to change a diaper). These are not unreasonable things to worry about.
>
> Please babble mail me if you run into any trouble. I'll check my email, and if it gets too bad I'll give you my phone number so you can call me. You really shouldn't have to be put in this position, but I know how it is when you're living with your parents and at their command. Do you think your Mom would really kick you and your daughter out? Is this a manipulative thing?
>
> I really feel for you. I won't be able to check my email at work, but I will check it when I get home and throughout the weekend just incase you need anything.
>
> -T
It is absolutely a manipulative thing - she's used it on me for years. She loves to have control over me. I think this is partially the reason I've had trouble functioning as an adult. But i think she would kick me out if she got mad enough.I think i'm leaving babble though. Can't handle it here. i'll babblemail you my email addy though.
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:13:16
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 21:44:20
What's wrong??? Did you go on Admin or something? I avoid that like the plague. Did something in particular happen???
-T
Posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:39:57
In reply to Re: I have serious problems... » cloudydaze, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:13:16
I want to die tonight.
Apparently my feelings about my grandmother are "unforgivable" - my mom's exact words.
She told me if i couldn't handle it to go somewhere else - of course, she means for good.
I'd like to go somewhere else for good. tonight I'd like to die. And I may, if I can find the resources i need. Of course my mom will never know - because she doesn't think i am ill. Maybe I have enough pills to do the job...
Texaschic, thank you for your kindness - you and snoozin are as of now, my only friends I fear - maybe a select few here. But i assure you no one will miss me much. My mom will probably be glad, and i'm sure my daughter will adjust. My mom thinks she's better at parenting anyway.
I am utterly and totally disgusted with myself beyond repair.
I doubt i will be back to babble tomorrow. I doubt i'll be alive tomorrow.
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:40:32
In reply to Re: I have serious problems... » cloudydaze, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:13:16
> It is absolutely a manipulative thing - she's used it on me for years. She loves to have control over me. I think this is partially the reason I've had trouble functioning as an adult. But i think she would kick me out if she got mad enough.
I can completely identify with that, although I know your child figures into the equation in a way I probably couldn't even comprehend. The one thing I learned though, is being out from under your mother’s thumb, even if you're struggling and depending on food stamps and even food pantry's, can feel better than you could ever imagine possible. The single best thing I ever did for myself was to get out on my own. I had been convinced I wasn't capable, inside and outside, but finally just I did it anyway, without the slightest guarantee I would succeed. And you know what, I found out you figure it out as it goes along. There were times I thought I would be evicted and lose my car, but I did what had to be done and worked an unbelievably crappy job for a little of nothing, & I made it through. And now I know I can take care of myself no matter what.
One good thing for you is there's all kinds of things out there to help single mothers. Go to your college counselors, planned parenthood, something you find in the phonebook or on the internet, it doesn't matter as long as you never give up. You have to keep trying no matter what, because there’s no other choice. You will find a way if you keep trying. I sincerely believe that if you NEVER STOP TRYING, you WILL eventually succeed.
Okay, end of lecture now. I don’t know if this helps in the slightest, I just wish I could transfer the things I’ve learned into the heads of people who haven’t experienced it yet. That way they can skip alot of crappy stuff. But, crappy stuff makes you stronger and more experienced... believe me, I know.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and if you pursue a positive life, you will achieve a positive life. Just don’t stop until you do. That’s it, the trick to everything. Don’t stop until you achieve what you want out of life. Things are going to happen, really really crappy things that you think means the end, but if you keep on, and persevere, you will be a stronger person, which will enable you to achieve more than you ever thought possible.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:52:29
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:40:32
I'm scared for you. I am crying. No one has every made me cry here before.
-T
Posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:59:30
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 22:52:29
> I'm scared for you. I am crying. No one has every made me cry here before.
>
> -TI am very sorry. I should never have come here at all. Babble has just lead to more heartache and anxiety.
I am trying to get through this, but i honestly don't know that i can. I am so tired of fighting. Fighting just to survive. Just to feel semi-normal...
And now I've been PBC'd and I guarantee that I will be blocked before these feelings subside, and if i am....i don't know what will happen.
I can only hope that my bf comes home before I am able to take my life.
Please don't cry for me...from what i've been told - i'm not worth it.
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2006, at 23:04:37
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:59:30
Please
Posted by Phillipa on August 3, 2006, at 23:18:37
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:59:30
Cloudydaze you have to think of yourself now. Obviously to me you are quite depressed. You need help now. Can you call a crisis line? Or get to an ER? You mentioned addy are you in the UK? Can you call someone to stay with you or go to their home with your daugher. Listen up my Mom died when I was l7 and I've blamed myself all these years. I had to grow my self up. When my children was born I did it all myself. No one to help. But Cloudydaze you will make it. Think of how your daughter would feel with out you? If your Mom is the way she is your daughter would grow up in the same enviornment and probably be depressed as well. You need help ASAP. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on August 3, 2006, at 23:21:10
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:59:30
We will miss you terribly if you died. Things will get better. Please don't OD, you'll get really sick and it's no fun at all. I know.
Deneb*
Posted by Snoozin on August 4, 2006, at 3:20:22
In reply to (((((((((((((((cloudydaze)))))))))))))))))), posted by Deneb on August 3, 2006, at 23:21:10
Oh, cloudy, I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better soon.
{{{{{{{{{{cloudy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 3:23:09
In reply to tonight's a good night to die., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:39:57
i don't think that posting on online message boards information that:
> tonight I'd like to die. And I may, if I can find the resources i need.
> I doubt i will be back to babble tomorrow. I doubt i'll be alive tomorrow.
is appropriate.
the reason why i don't think it is appropriate is because there is nothing that we can do. we can't call around and visit you. we can't call crisis services to send intervention. we can't even call the police to check whether you are still alive if you decide not to post after tonight.
all we can do is offer support.
IMO... you can post about how you feel. and you have been. you can post about the conversation with your mother and about how you feel really bad and about how you are starting to think suicidal thoughts. but to say that you are going to do something... what can we do? it is distressing to other posters here. because people care yes. but you typically don't have to say you are going to kill yourself to get people to post messages of support.
it is hard. there is a fine line.
if you are serious about this then i hope that you call crisis services. i'm sorry you are feeling horrible...
best i can offer is:
this too shall pass. right now it seems like things are terrible and always have and always will feel this way. but this too shall pass. in 6 months time you probably won't even remember...
it is hard.
i understand that. i do.
take care.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 4, 2006, at 8:12:20
In reply to I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 20:47:57
You aren't an awful person. That is a pretty serious burden to place on a person without asking first.
I'm sure you will do what you need to do to help, but you just need some time to get adjusted to the idea. Try explaining that to your mom.
As for a fear of being blocked, babblemail will still work to you, so people can write you.
Posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 14:32:30
In reply to Re: I have serious problems... » cloudydaze, posted by AuntieMel on August 4, 2006, at 8:12:20
Cloudy,
I hope you are alright. It makes me so terribly sad to see what kind of state-of-mind you were in last night. When I hear people in such pain, I never know what to say, though I desperately wish I had the magic words to make a difference. It is against our biological instinct to take our own lives, but I've been there myself twice too, so I know what unbareable feelings have to be present to announce, or act upon, such a desire. I want to be able to give you safe hugs right now.
I can understand how distressing the care-taking situation can be -- especially when it's forced on you -- especially when you feel that you're not even strong enough to support your self. I took care of my grandfather while he died, and it was one of the most excrutiatingly difficult and traumatic things I've gone through. It can bring up alot of conflicting emotions. But it's a natural reaction for a caretaker to move through feelings of resentment, or dislike/hate, or despair. Know that it doesn't mean that you are a bad person, selfish, or unloving, for not wanting to do it. It is an extrordinary thing to ask of another person. I think that it can generate such a variety of strong reactions because there is always love underneath, that the other feelings are standing on top of. (even when you can't recognize it)
Whatever you choose to do, try and keep it seperate from what you think of yourself as a person, or what you think of your grandmother.
I hope you post that you are alright. I would hate to hear that you hurt yourself. And your daughter would always be better off with you, than without.
I'm worried about you.
ELaine
Posted by Deneb on August 4, 2006, at 18:02:01
In reply to Re: I have serious problems..., posted by cloudydaze on August 3, 2006, at 22:59:30
I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*
No one wants you hurt cloudydaze. I hope you're feeling better.
Deneb*
Posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2006, at 21:01:44
In reply to Are you okay cloudydaze?, posted by Deneb on August 4, 2006, at 18:02:01
Posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:05:18
In reply to I hope so (nm) » Deneb, posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2006, at 21:01:44
She's still walking a fine line, but she's alive.
Thank you so much to gardengirl, Dinah, and AuntieMel for writing me back and making me feel better. I didn't know what to do last night, so I just sent a babblemail to all the deputies and Dr Bob. I just needed to know other people knew about this before I could leave and go to bed. Oh, and thanks to Phillipa and Deneb too, who posted at the time it was all happening.
I feel like I'm pretty stable the majority of the time, but when I get upset, I get REALLY UPSET! I guess that's my thing. We all have our thing that is the result of our mental illness, and I think that's mine (the worst one anyway). It doesn't mean I'm beyond handling things, but when I hurt, I really hurt. Reasurrance helps alot during those times. And I don't want Cloudy to read this and feel bad, this is just my thing I'm trying to handle, and I guess I'm highjacking this thread to do it.
I hope to God Cloudy hangs in there, I feel like I know her and she is my friend. Its not until you've gotten past these type of things until you realize your brain was making really bad decisions. I wish I could transfer certain things I've gone through and learned to other people's heads so they know and understand. Its hard to see someone experiencing the almost EXACT thing you went through. You know nothing you say will really be understood how you want it too. But you keep trying and hope something you say gets through.
Well, I'm babbling (no pun intended) and I'm not even drunk. Time to redirect my energies.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:10:50
In reply to I've heard from her, posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:05:18
...I was making light of Cloudy's situation.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on August 4, 2006, at 22:18:03
In reply to I hope that didn't sound like..., posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:10:50
T no. And thank-you. Cloudydaze please let us know you're okay? Love Phillipa
Posted by cloudydaze on August 7, 2006, at 18:10:49
In reply to Re: I hope that didn't sound like... » TexasChic, posted by Phillipa on August 4, 2006, at 22:18:03
Thanks to those who care. I'm in a bad situation, and I need to get out, but I am literally trapped where I am.
I am in a mentally and verbally abusive home, and if I remain trapped here much longer, I am afraid of what will happen to me. I am starting to lose my grip on reality, and things just keep getting worse.
When I say I am trapped, I mean that I have no job, no money, no car, can't drive, and I have a daughter to support. Until some of those things change, I am trapped in this home. Can't live on the street with a 7 year old. Can't get a job without a way to get to work (or job interviews). Can't move out without money to live on. Can't get enough food stamp money to live on....and can't convince my bf that moving out is the only way i'm going to survive. Right now, I'm not even sure I can convince him to stay with me. I am losing my love, my sanity, and if I lose my sanity, I will lose my daughter.
I am not well, and babble seems to be making it worse. That's why I'm saying goodbye.
I remain alive because Texaschic distracted me long enough for my bf to come home, making it impossible to do myself harm. Yes, you did help me, and I thank you. But unless I get out of here, it may have been in vain...
Posted by TexasChic on August 7, 2006, at 19:50:37
In reply to Alive, but not okay., posted by cloudydaze on August 7, 2006, at 18:10:49
I know there are a bunch of things out there to help single mother's. If anyone knows, or has experience in this, please babblemail cloudydaze or post here and I will get it to her.
-T
This is the end of the thread.
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