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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 10:07:34
I was urged to take some action by one person in the live's of two other people. I didn't know what I could do, but I tried to help the situation.
I knew the couple was having a hard time and started off w/ humor in an email and then moved into inviting one or both to come visit and maybe get a serious situation checked out & Mayo here.
I thought I'd done my best to help the one person in her inquiry about the couple. I patted myself on the back. I'd been a good child. I'd done my best in an awkward position.
I had a smile on my face and even tho' I didn't feel well, I had their love, and I have your love, so I was pretty well actually.
Well a little too much time elapsed between sending the email and their 'we're laughing email response'. I grew worried. Had I mispoken? So, I emailed again to be sure they'd understood part of the email was a joke and part was not a joke. Finally the next day I heard from one of the couple how I had hurt one of the two person's feelings w/ my humor.
That was yesterday, 2hrs before I was planning to go to my g-daughter's b-day party. I immediately started to cry and feel those awful failure feelings again. I'm a failure because no one but me in my FOO makes these kinds of blunders.
I'd looked forward to seeing my g-daughter and being w/ my fam' here for an evening but instead I allowed one person to pull my mood down so far I couldn't even think of being around anyone. I loved this one person. Do I love this one person too much. Why did it not occur to me that my children were my first love, and her sort of love a second love now? I am an adult now. I must have been sick and missed that class!
The punishment begins right away. Do this. Do that. Get busy and be somebody and do something right.
Upon awakening this morn' I thought first maybe something good would happen. I was feelin' cozy and sexual. Oh h*ll .. I suppose this new atyp anti-psych is going to put a damper on this now. This wasn't working; not sure if neuroleptics shut down this.(?) Crying. I begin the day of punishment. Usually takes me about two days to pay for my mistakes. Bad self talk. Everyone ignore me. They're mad at me because I wasn't strong enough to go to a beautiful little g-daughter's b-day party because one of my FOO had told me I was bad or wrong or crazy, and I'd hurt he/she.
It had meant so much to me to have a close relationship w/ this couple. I almost felt like I had a family again, like when our father was still here. And the person who asked me to become involved in their situation, well she's my mo*ther! But it 'had been none of my business'. In fact, she should intrude if her intention and not ask me to do for her.
But do I get this and do I see I have been hurt. Oh hell no. No, because, in my FOO now, w/ father gone, everything is ALWAYS my fault.
I will stay inside today, cry, think of how I could have gone from very socially well-rounded to the likes of this, never really understanding what one thing or more were the cause and effect of this difficulty w/ interpersonal relationships I now possess. Oh, and, 50steps backwards in the go back to PT work mindset. I'll tell ya', you gotta' have some skills for this one. They'd just about begun the interpersonal relationship module in DBT, when the group disbanded. I don't see my T for a few wks and she really only say 'uhum' and 'oh' and sometimes, once every 3mos of so, she'll speak 'a winner' .. 'something which hits home and helps'.
I'll do what I can to make myself pay for my misbehavior. Other than this, I can't change myself. I can't figure it out. It's beyond that. My intentions are misunderstood and when they are, my FOO* jumps on me like they're all assigned to grab a specific appendage to put into one part of the straight jacket. They are feasting on my failure and I feel deserving of being sacrificed.
I've trusted so much and been burnt so much, I'm I'm chronically untrusting and burnt. When I error, I think bad, feel bad, and probably look bad too.Any1 else have child-like tendencies? I knew where the line was between them and I. But I allowed another to push me into crossing it in attempt to earn her love. This is a person I'm to be greatly understanding and supportive of at this time, the one of the parents still w/ me.
I don't wanna' cry all weekend and wonder if I'm going to continually mess up every relationship which comes my way, leads to these 'abuse myself until I do something to prove self worthy again' rituals, but it's what I do now, and it started some time ago, some time ago when 'I changed somehow'.
Once I was the person people would come to for support and advice. Once I was thought very highly of by the people I'm speaking about here. But this has lessened over the years, w/ every failure of mine. Then following my father's death, as he was really the only one who would never allow me to punish myself. He had a way about him. He could make me see things in a totally diff' way w/o speaking a complete sentence. I guess it was because he loved me so unconditionally. I guess it was because he loved me like this, that maybe I thought they did too. But boy have I learned they are different. They don't intervene if I seem 2b punishing myself.
Anyone1 else do this kinda' crap?
w/o protection, 5f
*fam of origin
Posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 16:56:40
In reply to Always have to punish myself, posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 10:07:34
Hi 5f. I was talking to my T the other day about how difficult I find it to talk to my own FOO; how I try so very hard to put on the right hat and be the right kind of sibling to each of them. The sister needs me to be bossed around and told what to do; one brother needs me to share his speed impediment (he starts to sputter and lose words, and I stutter in response); my other brother's wit is sharp and ironic, so I wrap myself up into knots trying to be clever and plan my words so he won't think I'm dull and uneducated.
It's to the point where I don't dare pick up the phone to call them, and if they happen to see a blue moon and call me, I've been known to actually run from the room so that I won't have to talk to them on the phone.
My T put her finger on the problem when she said that I wasn't able to be myself with my siblings, and that my distress was in trying to make myself into what I thought each of them wanted me to be, and that I couldn't possibly succeed at being anybody but myself. Hence I run from the room, don't pick up the phone, don't write or email. Just sit and wish, pine really, that I was closer to my FOO than I am. It's about finding my identity and becoming happy with it. It scares the crap out of me that I'll never be able to do it, and instead I'll be doomed to sputtering and stuttering and gasping for words with my brothers and sister, 'til the end of our days.
Somehow, I think that it's not going to be that way. And somehow, I think that you too are going to be able to move beyond that protection that your father gave you (as did mine, from my siblings) and you'll become your own champion for 5f. Just as I'll become my own champion for ClearSkies, as incredible as it may sound right this moment.
But just as sure as we are noticing these things about ourselves, we are affecting a change in ourselves. It's inevitable. Just by noticing what we're doing, we're making it better. Don't doubt it for a second. Just the very act of being aware of what we are doing is enough to make a change, however subtle. In this, we have to have faith, simple faith. This is what I have been told, and it's what I have seen to be true.
So - something good will come of this, 5f. Because you noticed what you were doing.
take care, OK?
ClearSkies
Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:09:35
In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 16:56:40
> Hi 5f. I was talking to my T the other day about how difficult I find it to talk to my own FOO; how I try so very hard to put on the right hat and be the right kind of sibling to each of them. The sister needs me to be bossed around and told what to do; one brother needs me to share his speed impediment (he starts to sputter and lose words, and I stutter in response); my other brother's wit is sharp and ironic, so I wrap myself up into knots trying to be clever and plan my words so he won't think I'm dull and uneducated.
>
> It's to the point where I don't dare pick up the phone to call them, and if they happen to see a blue moon and call me, I've been known to actually run from the room so that I won't have to talk to them on the phone.
>
> My T put her finger on the problem when she said that I wasn't able to be myself with my siblings,>Oh my goodness. All I needed to do was hear it. This is soooo soooo true isn't it?
>and that my distress was in trying to make myself into what I thought each of them wanted me to be,>
Oh Yeah!
>and that I couldn't possibly succeed at being anybody but myself.>
Right. Why didn't I think of this? Ahh, yes, a good therapist just helped u2 open your eyes, and now you've helped me open mine to something which was right in front of me but couldn't see!
>Hence I run from the room, don't pick up the phone, don't write or email. Just sit and wish, pine really, that I was closer to my FOO than I am.>
Yes, there's this. But, maybe, if you are you, you will feel closer to them at some point. I hope maybe.
>It's about finding my identity and becoming happy with it. It scares the crap out of me that I'll never be able to do it>
But in telling me, I'm seeing you're already finding yourself able to do it.
>, and instead I'll be doomed to sputtering and stuttering and gasping for words with my brothers and sister, 'til the end of our days.>
Well I'll be here for you if you find yourself feeling like slipping up. Maybe we could be one another's FOO stand-ins for a while!
>Somehow, I think that it's not going to be that way.>
I think you may be right.
>And somehow, I think that you too are going to be able to move beyond that protection that your father gave you (as did mine, from my siblings) and you'll become your own champion for 5f.>
I do so want this. The other way is so stressful for me and hurts my own little family.
>Just as I'll become my own champion for ClearSkies, as incredible as it may sound right this moment.>
>
> But just as sure as we are noticing these things about ourselves, we are affecting a change in ourselves. It's inevitable. Just by noticing what we're doing, we're making it better. Don't doubt it for a second.>Okay, I won't. Wow CS, you've been like angel#1 to me I think of the whole month!
>Just the very act of being aware of what we are doing is enough to make a change, however subtle. In this, we have to have faith, simple faith.>
This is what my daughter tells me too.
>This is what I have been told, and it's what I have seen to be true.>
Faith? Faith our actions are correct I guess.
> So - something good will come of this, 5f.>I already feel empowered from what you've shared. You are so strong and so selfless. I'm so happy to know you.
>Because you noticed what you were doing.>
Yep, tks to this site, and because a friend shared her very important experience with me, which is a courageous thing to do btw. You've given me quite a wonderful gift here.
>take care, OK?Ok!
> ClearSkies
Tks so much hon' for taking the time to share this today CS. The relief I'm feeling from the knowledge of this experience is already overwhelming! The constant standing up and falling down w/ FOO has been so hard on me and hence unfair to my little family.
Sincerely, 5f
Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:11:22
In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself, posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:09:35
Sorry ... guess I messed up the print on all posts. Will see if admin. can tell me what I did, as I've accidentally done this b4.
Have a good one CS.
5f
Posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2007, at 19:31:52
In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself, posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:11:22
Posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2007, at 20:12:45
In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself, posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:11:22
Five Fires haven't talked to my sister in years she even said she will not come to my funeral. So I guess we all have family problems. I know I do. Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 20:34:46
In reply to It looks fine to me (nm) » Fivefires, posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2007, at 19:31:52
Looked like another font on this end just after posted with one sentence in middle on top of another, sort of.(?) No clue here.
Yes, looks fine now GG!
tks, 5f
Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 20:36:40
In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2007, at 20:12:45
What would we do w/o you to add the 'final touches' to our lives lovely Phillipa!
5f
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