Posted by Rach on June 4, 2000, at 8:28:52
In reply to Re: I'm New (whoops..very long), posted by Deb R on June 4, 2000, at 5:55:25
Hi guys,
Thank you all so much for your messages. They made me feel so much more confident and encouraged, at a time when I really needed it. I'm at the stage where I know I am doing everything in my power to conquer my depression, but I'm getting a little discouraged at my seeming lack of progress. I know I am getting better, I know I am gaining control, yet I need to see results now (or have friendly people keep encourageing me!) to keep from being discouraged.
Okay, I'll answer your questions (I hope you don't mind me 'talking' to you all in one msg, if you would prefer me to write separate msgs let me know and I will!)
Deb, it is very nice to see a fellow Aussie. Enjoying the weather??? (I actually don't mind rain - I prefer to be cold than hot!) In answer to your q'ns, I am extremely lucky to have a very supportive family and friend network. I am living in a uni college away from home, but my parents ring me everyday to give me support, and I visit them or they visit me every weekend. I have a few close friends here at college who I have told about my depression, and they support me and look after me (and mother me!). They make sure I eat properly and get up in the morning, and stand by while I have mood swings, lending their tissues when I'm sobbing one minute, and then laughing with me when I'm running up and the down the hallway the next. My older brother also suffers from depression (although I only found that out for sure after I was put on meds, but I had suspected it for a long time), so my parents were already over the 'not my son/daughter' shell-shock.
My sleeping got better in the first week, and now it is all over the place. I never know when I'm going to be lying wide awake at 3am, or keeled over at 7pm. I have meds (temazepam) for an emergency (like night before the exam I am wide awake and frozen emergencies) but I hate using them too frequently for fear of becoming dependent on meds to get any sleep whatsoever. I'm just trying to reset my circadian rhythms (psych student! psych student!) by going to bed and then getting up at set times, regardless of how much sleep I get.
The zoloft is helping, I think (something is!). I'm still only on the min. dosage (50mg), but my motivation and ability to break out of bad habits has improved. I can now, with a lot of self talking and positive thinking, get through a downturn a lot quicker, and can pull myself out of a depressive mood if I catch it. Not to the point where I am deliriously happy, of course, but to the point of functioning - which is all I need to do right at this moment. Focus, focus focus on what needs to be done, and do it. Sometimes nothing will work, and I just lay on my bed thinking in circles, but less frequently. Something has improved, even if it is just knowing that I am seeking help.
Noa, you are right. If I do fail my exams, it is nothing that cannot be remedied. Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes you can forget that most things aren't a do or die situation, and it is very comforting that there is someone who will remind people of that. I am a perfectionist, however, and I love to do things my absolute best, the first time around...is that a weird statement, coming from someone who is depressed? Or is it quite common, with our depression caused by our own need to be perfect, and then our 'failing' to meet our own standards?
Thank you, Noa, also, for telling me about you learning to accept yourself as a person who has struggled with depression, not to reject yourself for it. I'm not sure if I have even begun to accept myself, although probably the first step in acceptance is admitting the problem and seeking help, so maybe I have started my acceptance of myself. I've already done the rejection, with being prescribed meds previously, so I perhaps am on the journey to acceptance. (A lot of maybes and perhaps in this paragraph!) Yes, acceptance, but maybe not liking. I accept that I am a person struggling with depression, but I do not like that I am depressed. Maybe, once I am through the worst of my struggles, I will come to be grateful for my depression because it will have made me a stronger person and it will have had an effect on the person who I become. It will always be a part of my personality, I will always retain the impression it made on my sense of self. To like who I am will be to be thankful for the past experiences I have had, including suffering through depression.
Tina, thank you for you thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I feel very positive and courageous, and other times and I feel like I am whimpering in a corner. I am on such a rollercoaster at the moment, and I am constantly circling on myself and my thoughts. By that I mean I keep doing complete turn arounds in my thinking, one second I am thinking how pathetic I am, the next I have complete faith in myself. It is an exhausting struggle trying to compartmentalise and comprehend so many contradicting thoughts. I am doing my best - I cannot ask for anything more from myself. And eventually, the Pollyanna outlook wins every time. I have many talents, many supportive, loving friends and family, and I have the will to make the best from any situation I find myself in.
Thank you for reading my very long post again! I just have a question, are most people posting here depression sufferers or depression treaters?
All the best,
Rach
poster:Rach
thread:35801
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000603/msgs/35961.html